Last Christmas...

This is our last Christmas as just 2 of us...provided everything goes well nexy tear there will be 3! Our Christmas started on Christmas Eve with our 12 week scan...it appears we have a bolshy baby with attitude! (s)he was happily laid upside down right no my right hand side which did lead to a minor panic when the trainee sonographer couldn't find the baby! I really didn't enoy that feeling of momentary panic...or the way she dug the probe into me when all I wanted to do was go to the loo!

After haing seen our baby sucking it's thumb happily (after some serious hip shaking!) it was time for blood tests which have left me with a wonderfuly bruised right hand as no other veins were playing ball... and the wanted loads. I did suggest fitting a tap yet again but they weren't too enthusiastic about that unfortunately :(.

Christmas day was simple this year...just he 2 of us for lunch although I was banned from lifting the turkey as it was deemed too heavy for me to cope with... And I would just like to point out that I didn't eat 3/4 of a christmas pudding smothered with custard, I did have a small piece about 2 hours after the main course...but apparently it is unlucky not to finish the whole pudding off!!

We were out Christmas Day evening, even though someone did wake me from a lovely nap to leave the warm house to go into freezing evening...I'm so glad I still have my big black coat to wrap round me!! We got home about 11.30 and I felt shattered...but sleep really didn't happen until about 2am - maybe afternoon naps aren't good for me! I think Andy got a little annoyed with me as I kept telling him how tired I was and then refusing to go to sleep!

Boxing Day is now officially Emily Day as it was her 1st Birthday...where on earth has the last year gone??? It really doesn't feel like 12 months since I was frantically checking every text I got to see if she had decided to arrive or not!?!?!?

If Andy ever gets round to scanning the Scan pictures I'll stick one on here so everyone can get a glimpse of Baby Zerfahs (I'm already one very proud Mum!)

Time to hibernate...

It is now well and truly winter here in the South east of England... I'd forgotten how much I hate driving in snow and I had to do it tonight as it started to snow just as I left work (I also now hate C5 drivers as one kept cutting me up as we went up the A20 out of Dover)

Today has been tough for reasons other than the weather...I'm still feeling very sick for about 23 hours out of 24 and I've also started to suffer with indegestion...thank heavens for Gaviscon!! I think it may be worth buying shares in whoever makes it! I wonder if this has started as I'm sulking as my family have swaned off to Orlando today...a few flakes of snow and they vanish westwards to warmer  weather! I can feel as envious as I want, especially as I couldn't have gone even if I cold afford to! The miserable people won't let me on a plane right now...

Being back at work full time is really exhausting me at the moment - starting in Dover at 8 every morning is challenging! My body really cant see why it should be out of bed when it's dark and cold! This morning was really tough, neither I or Tadpole felt like dragging ourselves out of bed and then stupidly heading outside to de-ice the car!! It doesn't help that the smell of de-icer also makes me feel decidedly sick, so I have to take my gloves off so they don't get covered in the stuff and keep the smell going...

1st week survived!!

I did it - I survived my first week back! To say I was nervous on Monday morning is a fairly major understatement, but I went in to the office and seemed to settle in without too many problems/issues! Well that was once I got back into the Port! I wasn't aware that your pass gets suspended if it isn't used for a certain period of time...it turns out Work weren't aware of that rule either!

At the moment I'm working mornings only, I simply wish mornings started later! The original plan was I was going to work 9-1, but I seem to be getting in earlier somehow (mainly as it is easier to park when I'm in earlier!) so it's now looking more like 8-12. At least I an then go home and have a short restoring nap!

One thing I had forgotten about was the morons who use the M20... the mornings I don't notice them too much as I'm still sleeping, but driving home you see every possible example! Today was full off the middle lane hoggers - one was driving up the middle lane at under 60 at lunchtime totally oblivious of the people passing him on both sides. He had a knitted hat pulled right down almost over his eyes, maybe it was too tight or something?!!??!

It doesn't help getting out of Dover that they are still working on all the lay-byes on the A20 and have dropped it from 2 lanes to 1... the aim is to make it up the hill ahead of as many of the lorries as possible...they just pull across when lane 1 ends without apparently a care in the world...maybe I need flashing fairy lights fitted to my car so they may fianlly notice a little black car before they squash it into next to nothing!

Big News (for me anyway!!)

I have finally got the go ahead/all clear to go back to work! I'm back from 9.00 on Monday and for the first 2 weeks I'm just doing half days to break me in gently. I have to admit to feling rather nervous and apprehensive, I didn't want to be off in the first place and everytime I've tried to go back the reply has been no... but the thought of simply walking back into the office makes me feel rather queasy, especially as Sam is no longer there. Basically I've lost my security blanket so I'm going to have to be a big girl and survive all by myself!!!!

The weather is really getting me down at the moment... I'd be happy if winter would start properly as half the time I don't have a clue what to wear as it can get almost warm some afternoons. I'd like a real winter morning where I can wear a scarf and gloves without feeling totally over dressed! There is a real disadvantage with my car having an aluminimum Gear knob - it can feel so cold! And I am officially a complete wuss so cold gear knobs are a real no no when I'm trying to be awake enough to drive to Dover!

Rememberence Day and thinking too much

It must be the time of the year but I've just been thinking far to much... 10 years ago I really didn't picture myself 'here'. In my mind I would have at least one child by now, probably 2 and they'd both be at school. Instead I don't even have 1 and there is no sign of me having one any time soon and to say the clock is ticking is a huge understatement. I want to be able to enjoy and be pary of my children growing up - I don't want them to be embarrassed by their old mother and not wanting to bring friends home....

Maybe I also want to be in a totally different career - I only wish I knew what!!! All I know is I know it isn't credit control!!! If I could I'd love to find something I could do in child care. I know the pay isn't great but I think I need job satisfaction right now - something I haven't had for years. I'd love a job that I could go home from feeling I had had a good, successful day and had achieved everything I wanted to each day... do jobs like this actually exist in the real world?

Perhaps this is my warning to stop thinking so much... But at the moment it is the main thing I have to do, making plans fills up a whole load of time!

Angry of Ashford...

I'm still slowly trying to get my head around the idea of me and diabetes and looking carefully at everything I eat to check how much sugar may or may not be lurking somewhere within it... It really isn't fun but at least I should start eating a little more healthily now!

I went over to see my parents today to get some presents for some friends in Norfolk as they are going up this weekend and can deliver them for us (saves on postage and worrying about strikes etc) We went to a local shopping centre and Dad offered to buy lunch while we were out, the food court wasn't really an option, Jacket Potatoes are too high in sugar (??), Subway have too many carbs, Burger King and KFC are just out so we decided to try the Cafe in Sainsburys.

Once we'd made it up stairs and fought through the OAP's the menu was anything you wanted so long as it was fried! There were a couple of sandwiches, on white bread of course, but salad or pasta...dream on!! Anyone with any kind of dietary limitations was buggered so we retreated to M&S and bought a couple of salads and then went back to Mum and Dads and ate there! Dad has aso decided that M&S have a superior type of queue, but the assistants should slow down to allow customers to finish any converations before interupting them to actually serve then!!

I was good today and bough my Poppy from a very nice ex-serviceman, WWII I think who assured me that once he had pinned my poppy on there was no way I could lose it like I normally do!

One other thing I meant to do today was find a book on diabetes as my wonderful GP doesn't seem too keen on telling me too much...the consultant I saw yesterday has told me I should be monitoring it closely and testing mysef every day. Apparently my GP should have told me this and have given me the meter to use - I saw my GP yesterday to be told I have to see the nurse about this rather than a Dr...I have an appointment with her on the 13th so I'll carry on floundering around in the meantime. Hopefully I can't get anything too wrong in the meantime!!!

A Diagnosis

Had an appointment with the practice Nurse this afternoon and I am now oficially a diabetic. I know it isn't earthshattering or lifethreatening  but right now I'm not handling it that well. I just seem to be having one thing after another and I am totally fed up. The stupid woman told me to lose weight...what on earth does she think I've been trying to do?? It really doesn't help when one of the pills I was on actualy makes you put weight on - it was one hell of a struggle just to keep my weight constant. Thankfully I'm now off that but it still isn't easy to shift the weight. It feels like a battle I can never win

Right now my diabetes is being treated with yet more pills... and one of the others I take has been doubled. I really am going to rattle even more than usual based on what I have to take every day. It really doesn't feel like living with all these chemicals inside me... I've had enough.

Quiet

Life has been remarkably quiet recently, except for when I decide to start coughing...then it is anything but quiet as between coughs I'm trying to get some air back into my lungs!!

I've finally finished the horse pills that the Dr gave me, but I'm back there tomorrow as the headaches are still rather nasty. Maybe not worse but seeing as I'm not allowed the co-codamol and Tramadol the hospital sent me home with anymore and paracetamol don't touch them I need something else to keep operating - last night I was back to wanting to dril holes in my head as the pain was so bad. The neurologist did suggest some epilepsy drug to try to reduce the pain but I can't remember the name and my Occupational therapist as kept the letters from both neurologists....

Tuesday is yet another trip to the Dr Surgery to see the Diabetes nurse - hopefully this time they will make a decision one way or the other. It is simple to say I am now totally fed up with all the messing around and indecision - I want a straight forward yes or no and then some advice/instructions on what I'm meant to do. Or is that too much to ask from the NHS????

Urgh

I was stumped for words for a title today, but Urgh pretty much sums up how I'm feeling.

I'm still taking the horsepills and coughing well... I managed to wake myself and Andy up with a coughing fit at 3am yesterday morning plus I've started my new anti depressants which wonderfully knock me out at night, but do make waking up the following morning a bit of a challenge to be brutally honest! I took them for the first time Tuesday night and woke up at 11.30 on Wednesday and felt a bit like a zombie all day! Last night I took the pill at 8.30 as I needed to be in Canterbury by 10.15. I made the appointment but I'm not going to claim I was totally awake!! But driving was ok and both Bob and I are in one piece still!

The appointment in Canterbury was to see the Occuaptional Therapist used by work. He is of the opinion that I'm still not fit at work,but I am getting better and I'm possibly on the right medication now! Apparently the new anti depressant may also help kill off my headache once I get up to the right level (I'm only halfway there right now)

This week is also National Chocolate Week...I can't remember where I read this bit in Heather World  a National Chocolate week can happen as often as it wants to! Unfortunately I only have Malteasers here and right now I seem to be going off them (the manufacturers shoudl really be given an urgent warning!) But I am trying to be good and am doing my Wii Fit every day - I'm sticking with the step class right now as I enjoy it and I think it must be helping my balance! Although I am all to aware of the problems I still have...

I have a reason for feeling ill now!

I woke up yesterday feeling even worse than the last few days, so remembering promises I made my Mum & Sister I phoned the Dr and got an appointment for the morning. I had in minor panic as I couldn't recall if the receptionist set 10 to or 10 past 10 so I got there in time for the earlier just in case! As it turned out I didn't get in until 10.30 so  the timing was fairly irrelevant!!!

Saw the Dr who listened to my lungs and my coughing and promptly decided I have Bronchitis and need antibiotics... I picked the drugs up from the onsite pharmacy but didn't look at them until I got home... My first thought was do I take them or insert them somewhere!! They are enormous...possibly meant for horses. But only 6 days to go and a week later I should be feeling fine - apparently it usually lasts for 2 weeks...

Had to give the trip to Eastbourne a miss today...changes in temperature really aren't good amd the coughing leaves me exhausted, but I'm sure medicinal icecream would have been fantastic!I'll be there next time...I hhave yet to experience the ice cream shop!!

Please can someone shoot me????

At the moment I can't be described as a happy bunny... I have a cold but the way I feel I think it really comes under the man flu banner!!! My temperature is up and down like the proverbial yo-yo, my nose is in constant drip mode, my throat hurts and the cough is extremely painful. The headache is harder to think about - I have no idea if it's my usual one or if it's different! It isn't centered in the usual place so I assume it may be a result of the man flu!!!

Cat Wars has been continuing here, Gizmo has discovered a new sleeping spot, in the corner behind the TV. Whilst he's been in happy slumber land Squirrell cat has been sneaking in through his cat flap and stealing his food. Sneaking may be the wrong word as a cat flap is involved and to be honest Gizmo isn't keen on the food as it has gravy rather than jelly and as a result won't eat it!! Maybe I'll be nice and give him some tuna tomorrow and lock the flap whilst he demolishes it!!

I'm still battling with the Wii Fit...and my total lack of balance! It is always funny when it tests my centre of gravity...the resulting squiggle really should be exhibited in the Tate! My Step class was better today and I unlocked the next class up... I may have to label my feet L and R and clear the room totally to try to master that class!!! The Ski Jump is still beyond me, my knees simply don't react quickly enough and I end up tumbling down the slope as a giant snowball!!! I'll just keep trying I guess!!! Or stick to the Slalom for now...leaning I can do!

As per usual I have been meaning to write for a while...but I got slightly sidetracked by a 40th birthday and the grumpy celebratee...I'm not sure he is enoying being the big 4-0!!!

The celebrating started last saturday with a party for a select group of friends...some travelled much futher than others, But Dave and his dress were certainly the stars of the event!! I was amazed how well my Mother coped with both the dress and Dave but I'm not sure she saw the lifting of his skirt to gain access to his bottle opener!

Tuesday was dinner with Andy's family, the food was good and I think everyone enjoyed it and we possibly worsened global warming with the 3rd Birthday cake + candles!! Well it had to be done!

The celebrating continued on Thursday with a trip to see Fame...I saw the original at school as I was at school with Alan Parker's neice, we saw Fame before it was released and also got to see Bugsy Malone wilst sitting on the hall floor, this time the seating was considerably more comfortable! We followed the film by stopping of at the Beefeater for dinner. Thankfully they were quick as I was starving by 10!!

Today we went out for lunch with Andy's Dad and his wife...Zizi's in Canterbury...Apparently my choice but I enjoyed it although the Calamari was overcooked - luckily I didn't have that!!

Other news from this week...I've finally got some results bak from my week in William Harvey. I DO NOT HAVE MS!!!! Cue serious relief and celebration, the down side is they still have no idea what is causing my headaches but it is possibly something to do with a possible hormone in-balance, but that isn't a neurology problem so I'll be referred to another consultant and I assume the tests will all start again!

Catching up..

I've been meaning to update this for ages, but kept finding other things to do instead... but today I've got a mind that feels as though it is overflowing so it may well be the right time to empty some of it out here!

I've been back to choir for the second week and I'm sure I can feel my voice getting stronger, I can certainly hold notes a little longer without anything wobbling to much! It also helps my mood that we're really concentrating on Christmas stuff right now... nothing better than a good old Christmas song to lift your mood and leave you with a big, daft grin on your face. Well it works for me!

I saw the work Occupational Health Dr today and he kindly translated my discharge notes for me into english I can understand! Some of my spinal fluid is being tested by chromatography to look for MS, this will offer a definitive diagnosis rather than all the perhaps and maybes I've had so far. Apparently this is done up in London and can take 3-4 weeks to come back. Also they are testing me for a wierd kidney tumor which could be the reason my adrenaline levels are far too high. I'm not worried about this as it is totally benign (or however that is spelt) and can be removed with no real problems. There is only one hospital in the UK who do the procedure - The John Radcliffe which I think is somewhere near Oxford... but knowing my sense of direction I'm probably wrong!

The cat wars are still ongoing!! Squirell cat is totally adorable and I've managed to get a few stokes in now, he seems rather more sociable than Gizmo... but watching the pair of them fight through the cat flap is hilarious, I just get the impression neither of them appreciates me laughing at them  but it just looks so daft!!

Not much going on!

I'm still battling these stupid headaches but scarily I think I'm starting to get more used to them, they really don't feel quite as bad as they used to. That isn't really the way I want them cured, but it is better than the pain I have been experiencing.

Last night was my first trip to the Ashford Community Choir. It's safe to say it's very different to the last choir I sang with.. one thing we don't get much of is music and/or words - expecting me to remember words is a joke!!! I'm already googling frantically to find lyrics to help me!

I'm off to Portsmouth tomorrow - it's wonderful down there and I relax far more than I do in Kent. I can't explain why but I just do. I would love to live down there...perhaps a new start is what I need - leave all the memories behind me and start making some new ones for me and my family. I think we've all been through far to much already and the last week I had in hospital terrified me as I had no control or idea what was happening or wrong with me again. I feel a little as if I've gone back a year again and I have to get through everything that has happened since last september again.

Please can I borrow a drill...

My headache is fighting back big time now. I have been trying to avoid taking too many painkillers but a couple of hours ago I gave in and took some - but all I want to do right now is drill holes in my head again. The pressure has built up immensely and I just want to relieve it.

There has been a minor disaster today...Andy went to cook some sausages to make a sandwich at lunchtime but the oven refused to turn on. He has e-mailed the bloke who repaired it last time but I doubt we'll hear from him until Monday at the earliest. Which means I'm not cooking roast chicken for lunch tomorrow, I believe the plan is to make a quick trip to Chimneys for their Carvery...at least they do the washing up and preparation!!

We've recently had the battle of the cats here... Gizmo is renowned for letting other cats help themselves to his food, But Thursday night he let Squirrel cat ( a lovely grey fluffy animal) come into the kitchen whilst he sat outside. I just heard a cat come through the flap, Andy noticed it wasn't a short haired Gizmo but a much fluffier version! I think he/she just wanted somewhere nice to have a nap after finishing the food Giz didn't want! At least it didn't get wasted - I just get annoyed at him demanding food every 2 hours, even when he has some as he prefers it fresh out of the packet!!

Adjusting to life outside....

Well I've now been out for 2 days and I've finished the test they sent home with me... so today I started trying to relax a little more and finally try to relieve the stuoid headaches.

I had a trip to the hairdressers yesterday, I was supposed to go last saturday but for obvious reasons it had to be cancelled. Yesterday I got value for money... the hair has shrunk considerably and the 15 minute head massage was pure heaven, I'm trying to find reasons to go back for another hair wash!!!!

Today was a shopping trip with my gorgeous god daughter, and I got the chance to spoil her a little...which I think may be a legal requirement for God Mothers!! She also still gives great cuddles, provided she doesn't manage to get our finger into her mouth! Those teeth hurt and she can excert quite a bit of pressure!!!!

While I'm typing this Andy is watching the final of Big Brother...at least it's finally over and apparently there will only be one more series - I can't believe anyone is actually still watching this... I simply have an overwhelming desire to slap them all and preferably blow up the stupid house.

I've escaped!!!

They finally let me out today...having kept me sat there for the last day or so with very little news or any action at all. They did have their final dig though...yet another blood test, this time from the base of my thumb which is now turning a wonderful shade of black. I hate trainee Drs, why couldn't someone who knew what they were doing do it???

There is still no answer to what is causing my headaches so far, but there are no more tests they can think of to put me through... there is no way I want another Lumbar Puncture, if I ever have children I am sticking to gas & air and there is no way I'll have an epidural, it still hurts even now and the bruise is apparently quite impressive according to my mother!

I can honestly say hospital food has not improved from last year. Some of the stuff I was given was cemented to the plate and totally tasteless. Today was Boiled Beef & carrots...could someone tell me how on earth they managed to dry out boiled beef although adding gravy did disguise it a little, but not enough to make me eat it!!!

In Hospital.....AGAIN!!!!

Well I’ve now been stuck here since Wednesday and they earliest they are likely to let me out is Tuesday next week…

I was originally sent in by my GP because of a blood test that was done on Monday – the original diagnosis from her was Temporal Arteritis, but apparently I’m not old enough for that as I haven’t reached 55! The treatment is very high doses of steroids which make you pile weight on so I’m quite happy she was wrong!!

I started off on Bethersden which is the female CDU ward before being moved up to Cambridge M2 on Wednesday evening. Luckily I have a side room so it’s just me in here with a window that opens and a nice fan….Why on earth are hospitals so bloody hot???? If anyone wants to visit I’m in room 141 and quickly going insane!!!

Thursday was fairly uneventful, got prodded by a few Drs and on attempted to take some blood before giving up and deciding to leave it to an expert! The plan for Friday was another MRI and then a lumbar puncture – it’s safe to say by the time Andy left on Thursday I was pretty far into my panic zone… I hate needles at the best of times and the thought of one going into my back left me completely terrified. It’s safe to day I didn’t do much sleeping on Thursday Night and after 2 mugs of hot chocolate and one of horlicks, I finally fell asleep at about 2.30 – 3.00. The vampire turned up fairly early to collect my blood, on Thursday the 1st yr Dr had only tried to collect 3 bottles of blood, the phlebotomist collected 11. I’ll admit to feeling very proud I didn’t pass out but I didn’t half feel wobbly after it. Mid morning I was wheeled down to MRI, where they tried to get a canula into my arm and failed so called a Dr whilst sending me off for a chest X-Ray (I have no idea what that was for!)

Once the Dr arrived a needle was basically inserted into the base of my thumb and I was stuck in the machine. I don’t care what anyone says the noise alone of the MRI machine terrifies me as well as being stuck in a small (to me) tube. I think they did 2 scans, one just of me and the other with a contrast – haven’t really heard much from that yet,but it was mentioned this morning that I am going to have yet another on on Tuesday probably!! And I am so looking forward to it…. Anyone believe me yet?

Today the food hasn’t been too bad, I had roast chicken, stuffing roast potatoes and cauliflower and really enjoyed it, certainly compared to the Irish Stew yesterday which I have a feeling even Barley would have refused to eat! On Friday Mum & Dad fed me, salad , prawns and salmon…I was in heaven!! This evening I have salmon and pasta salad and a prawn sandwich courtesy of Andy, so I won’t starve today!!!If I’m honest the headaches have worsened today, I’m on as many painkillers as I can have just to keep going – but one of the painkillers just makes me want to sleep and I’m trying to fight that as I’d much rather sleep at night than during the day. We have been for a short walk to get some fresh air and I got to talk to some of the intrepid Bat Campers… amazingly they sounded relatively sober! Something must be really wrong if they are!!! Maybe I should go and find that cute bloke who did my lumbar puncture… that could kill a few hours!!! There is something about scrubs it seems…

Portsmouth

I had a fantastic time in Portsmouth.... I wandered through Old Portsmouth and went up the Spinnaker Tower and was exceedingly brave and crossed the glass floor... at 100m up! There are some photos of it on Facebook! The view from the Tower was fantastic and I even managed to snap a submarine coming into harbour without even noticing it until I looked at the photos afterwards!

We had dinner at a great chinese place in Gunwharf Quays, The Water Margin is really good food and I even managed to use chopsticks!! And the Chinese Tea was really good - I think I may have drunk a pot on my own!!

The drive was the furthest I've driven on my own since before I was ill last year. If I'm honest I felt extremly proud of myself for making it there in one piece and without getting lost. ( the sat nav has been re-christened Belinda as her voice has been changed and she is much more polite!!!)

I was back in Kent on Saturday evening as I had an MRI Scan on Sunday morning... This time I tried really hard not to panic - it really helped that nobody took the panic button off me and they let me test it so I could hear it was working!!! I had 2 scans and survived both - I think the little bug crawling around in the tube helped as I got very distracted watching it!

Today I had to see my GP at 8.50 (not fun) as they wanted to look at all the medication I'm on. The Dr I was seing is really not my favourite and she decided I need some more blood tests

as the last time they tried to do them my blood clotted so they couldn't!! I'm back to being an enigma I guess!!! I tried to make an appointment at the surgery, but the one nurse who can get blood out of me doesn't have an free appointment until next Friday...so it was back to the hospital - I feel I have earned a personalised parking spot now!!! It took 2 nurses to extract the blood from me, but my GP should have the result this afternoon. I'm seeing her again on Wednesday morning...

Any good headache cures????

As anyone who knows me will be aware, I've had a headache since about April...with no apparent cause that either my GP or Neurology can determine. Much as I quite like being a medical enigma they seem to be developing a pattern at the moment... Basically they are now getting far worse at night, last night it was so bad I would have quite happily ripped my head off simply to stop the pain. So much for a darkened room being good for a headache! It did ease off once I convinced Andy to turn the fan off, but if only stayed off for 10 minutes.

I'm due to have an MRI scan on Sunday Morning and then I'm off on Monday to see my GP to talk about some test results at 8.50 (they must be joking) on Monday morning. I'm just relieved that I'm away for a few days from Thursday until Saturday - that should take my mind off things!! I'm headed over to Portsmouth for a break and I can't wait to get away and switch off in new surroundings.

Other than the above it's been a pretty quiet week so far. Still feel decidedly hot to me and that leaves me feeling a little washed out - although the broken sleep could also be a good cause!

Terrified cats....

I am finally feeling much better, even my voice is behaving itself more today than it was yesterday... although the trip to Woodchurch did leave me feeling a tad traumatised....courtesy of Mr Styles who, on decideding his bike tyres needed a little more air in them announced to the immediate vicinity that he had lost his knob and gone floppy at the front. I really didn't know where to look!!!!

Today has been much quieter... I refused to get out of bed until nearly 12 as I was feeling washed out/tired etc and felt I needed more sleep. Not that I recall last night being a bad night in the slightest so I assume I'm still catching up on the sleep I've missed over the last few weeks/months now!

My other decision was I wasn't getting up until it was sunny - I was already aware it was hot as Andy found me flaked out on the bed once I'd got dressed! I eventually dragged myself downstairs and was just making sandwiches for lunch when Gizmo screamed through the kitchen from thearden as if the hounds of hell were right behind him... In fact it was the Red Arrows I believe who flew over the garden in formation and rather low, I think the cat is still recovering and is decidedly reluctant to go out again, and the only cat I've seen around is the 3 legged one!

Feeling Human....?????

I'm finally starting to feel a little more human now - I really wouldn't wish this swine flu on anybody. My voice is not working the way it should yet, but I guess last year left it rather weak and something it having fun with it ...taking it from one extreme to another, all I want is a voice I can rely on ot work when I want it to!!

I've been taking things easy this week, to be honest for the first three days I didn't even feel strong enough to get dressed... the cat tried yelling and swearing at me (his language is getting worse as time goes by) but he only got fed when I felt able to and his cat food wasn't making me feel sick.

The one good thing to come out of this week is I've finally managed to get some sleep... or rather I've passed out most nights! But trying to get up in the mornings has been terrible, actually Gizmos language has helped there as he hits exactly the frequency that makes my head excrutiatingly painful so I get up to shove food in his bowl and shut him up! One thing I have really missed this week is adult company to be honest....cats are not good conversationalists once they have been fed they either go out or fall asleep....

Oink Oink

I have officially joined the latest craze... I have swine flu. THe NHS site is really good apart for the fact that there are no local bases of collecting the wonder drugs from that are local...the closest during the day on Sunday is Canterbury (in Morrisons) or Deal (no idea where!) and I can send Andy to the Hospital at 8.00 to collect them from there.

This only started last night...but to be honest I put it down to my lack of sleep the night before and I expected to wake up this morning feeling fine. Instead I feel as though I've smashed into a brick wall and it is currently crashing down onto my head. the most painful bits right now are my knees and elbows for some reason! This makes no sense and just getting comfortable is extremely difficult. Andy is nagging me to keep drinking so I feel I may be spending the night in the bathroom so a toilet is close by! I keep thinking I want to eat something but everytime I do my stomach switches for it's force 9 mode and I end up just feeling decidedly sick..even less fun than just feeling flu ridden. But I guess it may help me lose some weight so not bad thing on the whole!

I should have realised something was up on Friday... the day started with my hairdryer giving up the ghost. Andy has tried to fix the handle and nozzle back together with good old super glue but I think I need a new one.... if anyone has a spare one they no longer want I'd be happy to give it a good home! The last time I used it there was now waggle... according to Andy it's plastic fatigue but there was no sign of it before!! But I am the only usual user do I guess I must have worn the poor thing out.

Weekend...

Sleep last night realy didn't want to happen... I went to bed about 11.30 and got up about half an hour later as Andy was snoring and went downstairs. Sleep wasn't happening and I really didn't want to keep Andy awake tossing and turning.

Gizmo pretty much ignored me and I was joined a couple of times by Andy... I finally dragged myself back to bed just after 4.00 and my good old I-Pod finally lulled me off to sleep. I think I died by 4.30ish until around 8.30 when we had a plea for help from the Sutton household where the adult population has been struck down by Swine Flu and required a drug runner to go and collect their anti-viral stuff. Having nagged Andy to get up in case I had to go somewhere I didn't know I was fine and an hour later we were safely back at home waiting for the shopping to turn up!

We've taken things easy today seing as neither of us got much sleep, Andy has bought some water thing with a hose for car cleaning, so I have kindly allowed him to practice on my car - it is smaller than his after all!

Big crash

So much for my first full week... it was decided by my Manager and the Occupational Health Dr that I'm not fit enough to be in the office so I've been sent to get signd off by my GP. I also saw my PCN today who is not impressed in the slightest by the way it has been handled... It is safe to say I fell apart this morning and still feel decidedly shakey/wobbly. She is going to speak to my psychiatrist about changing my medication and seeing me before October, but the worst thing is she leaves at the end of this month so I'll have to meet and get used to a new nurse. That really threw me as I really like Paula and I don't want someone else...

Today has also been unbelievably hot. Poor old Giz has been flaked out on the floor spread out as much as he could, which was an improvement from this morning when he wouldn't leave me alone for a second. To say I got stressed is an understatement!! I parked the car in the Mall car park, at 30c at least it stayed cool and it is about the same distance to walk as parking in Dover Place...but the wall opposite Debenhams intrigues me...it appears to have cows outlined on it and I'm sure there are sounds of some kind being played as well!!

I was hoping to go to Portsmouth this weekend to stay with a friend, but it may not happen now as they are a little unwell... and I'm a coward and I really don't want to catch anything, I think I'll make a decision tomorrow! But the thought of some fresh sea air is realy appealing as I'm sure it would help relieve my headache which would be fantastic

FUll Week...

This is my first full week for months...mainly due to my Therapy on Fridays finishing - but I'm not planning on working 5 days next week. That would be far to much of a shock to my system!

I also have an appointment with my PCN next week and it turns out my insomnia is probably due to the anti depressants...so I'll be asking for them to be changed as they are also very likely responsible for me being so tearful for no real reason. I can cry at the drop of a hat now... which makes me feel even more tired and exhausted.

The day when I wake up feeling normal is going to be fantastic... and I may well just get totally drunk!!!

30th Post!

I guess that is a sort of milestone! I managed 500+ on Yahoo before they decided they were going to stop (note to self... I really must back them up if it isn't already to late!)

To be honest I had tought I'd slept well last night, getting up wasn't to easy as my legs decided they were going into wobbly mode, and there was my usual morning dilemma of 'what shall I wear' before I made my first choice for the day! The morning was fairly easy/simple, Sainburys delivered the shopping and Andy went out to get some cash... I got changed into outfit No 2 then we headed off to the Blue Anchor to find the mad cyclists!

On arrival at the Pub (at the same time as Emily and her Driver) we met the Badger who broke the news that lunch was off due to a family wedding! So once the starter was drunk and it was discovered that ducks will eat Salt & Vinegar crisps there was a short move to the White Horse where I got to spoon banana dessert into my gorgeous god daughter whilst waiting for my lunch (which was delicious) to arrive. Once lunch had been despatched we moved onto the Good Intent for a liquid dessert... Batty let me down, I was expecting him to have a 2nd lunch seeing as he'd more or less burnt the first one off on the ride from pub 2...

We left the fitness freaks to cycle home - but by the time we got back I was feeling really tired so I decided to hae a short power nap, 4 hours later I managed to drag myself out of bed and head back downstairs. But if I'm honest I'm still feeling very sleepy so the plan is for a good sleep tonight!

2 good days in a row!!!

I saw the neurologist yesterday... he was very nice and offered to pass my care back the the consultant I saw last year. I politely declined as at least seeing him I go to Ashford rather than having to drag myself back to Canterbury! I am now waiting for my appointment to go and have another MRI scan done. He seemed happy there is no obvious sign of any tumour but I think he wants to investigate the damage done last year - but on the other hand my medication could also be causing my headache but he doesn't want to get involved with that! So I also need to go back to my GP - he couldn't prescribe any stronger pain killers as the ones he would recommend react with all the medication I'm all ready on!

It was also decided I needed some blood tests... and for once they managed to get blood out of my arm rather than my wrist and I'm bruise free!!! But I have no idea wh they need quite that many bottles/tubes of my blood! DO I get it back when they've finished with it?? Although I guess my blood pressure should be lower again now!

In the afternoon I went to Reed Accountancy to register. Miranda is very nice and was straight with me, right now it's very quiet but I'm not in a major rush - I just want to find the right thing for me for the future, I need a challenge where I can be happy and fulfilled.

Yesterday evening I had a counseling session, basicaly we agreed I'm regressing slightly and seem to be in a slightly rebellious teenage type phase! My main objective right now is I don't want to comply with what I feel is expected of me - I want to have fun and do things I like when I want to...

In the main it was a good day for me, even the blood letting didn't hurt as much as usual! And my chat with Rachel really did help me - we even decided what I really need right now is a decent head, neck and shoulder masssage to try to relieve tension and stress. I have suggested this but haven't got too far yet!!

ANother Good Day!!!

I've had another good day today - I hope nobody is too shocked! I've felt positive all day and got alot of work done without feeling washed out, under threat or over pressurised - which for me is what a good day feels like!

Dinner went well tonight, I just need some inspiration for tomorrow as I know it needs to involve chicken but the how is slightly beyond me right now!

I think I'm going to shut up now - not really in a typing mood...

Planning ahead

It has been a tough day at work today... Maybe it was having certain people there who weren't in the office yesterday. I was feeling really on edge and worried, which left me feeling really anxious and uptight. I was decidedly jumpy all afternoon and as a result I ended up pushing mself far to hard and I probably over did things a little and as a result I'm feeling totally exhausted.

One good thing is I have only one more day in there this week... Thursday is a trip to neurology to try to get my headache sorted and than Friday is my last therapy session. From being far something I was sure would be of no help to me at all I am really going to miss it. I'll admit after the first session my overwhelming thought was 'I'm not that ill' but now I've moved on, I like talking to people who have experienced or are experiencing that same things I am, and are happy to discuss how they dealt or coped with their feelings in differing circumstances. This is a sharing experience I am going to miss hugely once it's all finished, I like and need my security blanket.

One positive step this week is I'm off to an employment agency on Thursday. The changes at work probably won't have any effect until the end of next year...but I don't want to hang around with all the rumours etc - I think I'm ready for a fresh, new start to move forwards and start forgetting big time.

Some good news...

I was supposed to be having a blood test this morning but I managed to lose all my veins upon arrival at the surgery! I sugested we did a simple finger prick glucose test to se how high my level was... thankfully the nurse agreed rather than spending some time digging into my arm to find the red stuff! The result...4.6 which I believe is deemed acceptable so that is on thing I no longer need to waste time worrying about!

Work when I got there was actually rather good... I got a fair amount done without any stress or hassle. To be honest I felt good, far better that I have done for some considerable time. A good feeling for once and I didn't cry on the way in or on the way home - a huge advance on the last few weeks and a massive relief for me as I don't have to try to pull myself together either on arrival at work or as I drive home.

I was thinking back over the weekend today whilst I was having lunch and there was something about Saturday that left me feeling really good about both myself and the world! I have no idea exactly what it was so I don't know how to repeat it - but I'll carry on trying until i work out what it was!

Dungeness 18th July

I intended to write this yesterday but I sort of ran out of energy and desire to type anything...sorry.

I know I didn't climb the lighthouse but in my defence my legs have been a little wobbly over the last week and I don't handle failing at anything to well at the moment so I decided it was far easier on me not to put myself in that position and I would be perfectly fine!

On the drive to the lighthouse I had all sorts of problem s finding it! I saw water towers and the Wind Farm...it was only when we saw the Power Station that I finally picked it out! Whilst driving we became rather aware how windy it was, but when we parked and I tried to open the car door it became extremely obvious how strong the wind was. And I hadnt tied my hair back so I was soon aware it was going to be an 'ouch' day as I could feel it teing itself in knots within the first few seconds!

I managed to get a 'before' picture (including on with Dave facing the wrong way - maybe poised to make a run for the stairs!) and then tried to find a seat out of the wind! My original intention was going to be to yell abuse once the lunatics had scaled the Lighthouse, but with the strength of the wind I doubt I could have made myself heard form the ground. Not that a mere fact of height and windspeed stopped the Lunatics from making themselves heard!!

This was basically a Bat preparing for flight. I'm grateful he changed his mind but also intrigued whether he would have made a dent in the ground as if didn't feel damp or soft to me!

Once the Bat returned to terra firma it was decided lunch was required so we retired the The Britannia Inn where they seemed unable to cope with small people...but she has very organised parents who had a large car with all possible equipment that cuold be needed stored in it! The food was good, although I'm not sure it was cod rather than whale fillet from the sheer size of the portion!

After lunch it seemed sensible to stop off at the LIfeboat station...it would have been rude to simply drive past and to be honest it brought back good memeories of family trips to Cromer when I was litle and visiting the life boats both on ahore and at the end of the pier. This is one charity I always feel the need to support as without them so many people would die at sea. Which feels so wrong to me as historically we are a sea going nation...


Yesterday was a great day for me, we got out, the weather was wonderful and I was with some really fantastic friends. It wasn't an expensive day out but it was totally enjoyable for me and I felt wonderful all day. What more can I ask for?

Can you buy Sleep on Ebay???

We had a fantastic storm last night. Normally I love watching storms but last night all I really wanted to do was sleep... and with all the flashing and banging outside that wasn't going to happen. I also dragged myself up far earlier than I needed to as all I as doing was looking at the ceiling (note to me, must make it more interesting)

First thing to do today was group therapy....with a group of me! Actually it was nice to have all the atention on me and it helped to talk through stuff as it ocurred to me, rather than trying to fit my thoughts into and around someone elses...

One thing I really need to work on is my memory, I totally forgot I was going to blog about the cars parked outside the primary school near our house... these were a selection of both black and white stretch Limos plus a white stretch Hummer... the kids were only ;eaving primary school so why did they need those. Keeping up with the Joneses is getting really out of control now, If I was lucky at my version of a primary school I walked home the short way!

Those cars were so big I would have thought they could have packed all the leavers into 1 rather than hiring 4... or it could have been 5!

A bit of a dip

I was home earlier today as I was sent by work to go and see an Occupational Health Dr who took one look at me and I burst into tears! I like the Dr ( for once) and he is concerned I'm at work and that it probably isn't doing me any benefit being there...in fact he said receiving any criticism will knock me even further backwards and really won't do me any good.

My immediate reaction is to prove him wrong and kep working...but on the other hand I don't know or see why I should work hard for a company that really doesn't seem to care what I do for them?

But a positive thought is I'm not back there until Monday, and I have to act a personal photographer for the 'Great Lighthouse Challenge' on Saturday - I think maybe a before and after shot should be good...!

Supposedly I should be seeing my counsellor this evening but she called earlier and has a bad case of flu - hopefully nothing to do with pigs! She feels it isn't fair to see anyone while se feels so bad and I'm in total agreement. We did have a quick chat so I filled her in with my latest news - and we've rescheduled for next Thursday, I'm looking forward to chatting to her again - she has a wonderful ability to make me feel much better and not so mad/insane. I just wish my family and people who know mecould understand a little of what I'm going through - I'd like them to realise how scared I feel most of the time. I really don't like the world I'm trapped in at the moment.

Quiet day

This stupid site has just lost everything I typed...I know Andy keeps telling me to write in Word to start with but I really could not be bothered, and now I've already forgotten what I was rabbiting on about!! Can't have been earth shatteringly important!!

On thing I did mention is my headache is back in full flow...probably due to the thought of returning to work tomorrow. If I'm honest I'm trying hard not to think about it, but I did go ou earlier to buy cakes for my birthday last week. They may make the return to work easier for me and cheer everyone else there a little

Garden Shakespeare!!!

We've just had a cultural evening watching the Merchant of Venice in the gardens of Godinton House. Thankfully the rain held off for most of the performance except for the last 30 minutes...At which point I hid under my umbrella and blanket whilst Andy shivered and didn't understand the language I think!

It is a long time since I last saw this play and I really enjoyed this, Shylock was portrayed as Alan Sugar and there were references to the credit crunch and too much reliance on Money and the Banks/money lenders causing most of the problems of the 'normal' people! There was also an Ozzy Osbourne clone yelling for Sharon at one point, he was also dragging a bucket of KFC round in his shopping trolley...and his son (Goddo) was amazingly camp and really hilarious! Even Andy managed the odd chuckle!

There were loads of people there with picnics - 1 set had a huge table absolutely groaning under loads of food and bottles of wine, plus a hoard of kids who were sat on blankets at the front - but had a complete inablility to stay in one place for any length for time, but thankfully they were quieter than their parents! They just kept braying at each other through most of the play...

Friday...

Well I've made it to the end of this week - at one point I didn't think I would as I was so down, but there weren't enough of my painkillers left to do any real damage so that idea was out and I'm to much of a coward to inflict real pain on myself and I like Bob to much to cause any damage to him. So basically the world has conspired against me to ensure there is no easy way out for me!

Therapy this morning was really good! Again there were only 2 of us but I think I prefer that in a way...plus Josie and I really have the chance to talk about how we feel rather than the more dominant characters in the group who do tend to drown both of us out! I know I've said this before but I'm almost worried that I only have 2 weeks left - but apparently there is a plan to follow the group up if we feel we need it. As I'm starting to rely on it as a type of scurity blanket that really makes me feel better. I'm back at work on Monday but I still have therapy on Friday to aim at and get me through what is already building up in my head as a tough week...

Could someone please tell me what is happening to the driving standards around here...I've lost count of the total idiots I've seen recently and especially the morons who seem to just want to change the shape Bob was designed to have!

Day 3

I made some positive moves today...I called 3 agencies and got my CV registered with them. It isn't a great time to job hunt apparently as it is summer but at least I'm working on moving on - on my terms rather than someone elses!!

I also have a new hair colour...still based on blonde but with a couple of darker shades mixed through it! According to Andy it reminded him of Kristy McNichol, whoever she is/was! But he also says he likes it which I hope can only be a good thing!

This morning was another appointment at Elwick Road. Apparently the main reason was to discharge me, but following thins weeks news that has been put on hold and I'm back there in a months time for another follow up! It is a good place to talk without worrying about being judged or anything along those lines.

Day 2

Well Day 2 has started...I guess things are starting to sink in but no more news yet. I'm angry it was communicated to everyone in the company at once via e-mail...that doesn't really fit in with their attempts to be upright and honest or humble....their so important core values. I've been trying really hard not to burst into tears too often today but at times it has jsut been to tough and I've given in. I wasn't feeling strong enough to fight my emotions at all today and to be honest I really didn't want to push myself to much.

I'm seeing my nurse tomorrow morning at 9.00....silly time so I'll have to get through rush hour in Ashford. I haven't seen her for a while and I know I'm not as well as I was a few weeks ago, and that was without work throwing a curve ball at me. Dad is now hunting for a new career for me... I think the latest idea is a school photograher or a forensic invesigator for motor claims - no idea why he's pointing me back towards insurance but it was a job I enjoyed and the previously known may well be good for me right now rather than the totally unknown which can leave me nervous and anxious.

One good thing, I now have some emotions to feed back to Friday's therapy session. I really wish I had more sessions left. I really need them now, I feel safe and secure there.

Birthday or not...

Well it arrived and it has been pretty good - until I checked my work e-mail which was a bloody stupid idea. All finance operations are being centralised in Belfast...first Galsgow had it in for me and now the Irish have...not sure when we are being closed but it's another wait that won't do me any good at all

Poor Andy got woken fairly early as I was worried Gizmo hadn't appeared up stairs to yell for food. I went down and he wasn't in the house and didn't appear when I stuck my head out of the back door and yelled... He did appear when Andy went down and gave him one of my posh cans of tuna though! Andy gave me some gorgeous earrings and a silver and pearl necklace I love :)
We went over to my parents for lunch and they have given me another gorgeous necklace and a digital SLR book, and my sister etc gave me a Johm Barrowman book, a Wii game, a CD and a happy pig book (very cute).

We all went to The Pippin in Maidstone for Lunch and I manged to eat far too much but it was delicious. A Chicken & Bacon Club sandwich with salad and a bowl of chips was too much for me (I needed Batty) and then a chocolate Brownie with Ice Cream which everyone had to help me finish!

This evening we have a house full and I have a wonderful Chocolate cake waiting for it... I just hope there is enough left for me to have breakfast!

The night before...

Unfortunately I haven't managed to get the 7th July banned so it appears I am going to have to have yet another birthday tomorrow... Mind you my mother was sure I was 40 next year so I guess it isn't quite as bad as I first thought!



Today has been slightly stressed as poor old Gizmo isn't well. He threw up before Andy went to work and then carried on during the morning until I threw him out (into a down pour so I felt really guilty) He came back once it stopped raining bone dry so I guess he hid somewhere! He's now on a chicken diet but really not himself so I'm still worried about the old boy... I know I moan about him but I also know how devastated Andy will be when anything happens to him.

The dreaded day has started early...my mother in law thought it was today! One day is bad enough, I really don't need 2 birthdays! I wonder if I could sleep through the 7th without anyone noticing....

How do I catch a cold during a heatwave??

I have managed to catch a cold from somewhere during our ongoing heatwave... It has mixed wonderfully well with my existing headache to make my head feel even closer to eplosion point...this really isn't fun in the slightest.

If I'm honest the cold is not helping my mental state. I feel so shattered doing anything is taking far more effort than is was even yesterday. I would quite happily sleep around the clock at the moment - I'm ready to shut down for a week and to let the world got on hapily without my input as I really feel the world doesn't need that.

Previously I felt it made sense to buy shares in Kleenex since I was crying so much - now I need shares as my nose is in over drive... give me a couple of days and I'll be all set to pose for a photo for our Christmas card this year... if I can find some antlers!

Today has been rather quiet, which I have enjoyed as I never feel that sociable when I have a cold, at least I've managed to avoid upsetting anyone I like and care about. Which for me is important, I really don't enjoy being in a bad mood or upsetting people. At least I don't like it at the moment, heaven only knows how I could feel in a weeks time! But for now I'm working on protecting me and looing after me as I guess I am the most important person for me!

Independance Day

Technically we have no reason at all to celebrate this... yet we currently have a large Stars and Stripes flying in the back garden as we were supposed to have a flag retreat at 5.00pm! It is now 5.30 and so far as I know the flag is doing just fine out there! It has now retreated to somewhere but no retreat was sounded so far as I heard!

It has been warm today rather than as hot and sticky as it has been so far this week - although in my head it stil doesn't feel as cool and refreshing as I'd like, but I imagine I won't get that sort of weather for a while yet! But I can wish/dream and remember previous comfortable summers...But I do remember in the past it always seemed to be sunny on my birthday - but still comfortable rather than me feeling as if I was being roasted - or is that the rose tinted glasses effect!?!?!!?

We went out to lunch today to meet the mad cycling brigade...they made it there before us but we had the advantage of air conditioning in the car!! Lunch was rather scrummy, a prawn baguette but not a few prawns a loads of sauce - you could actually taste the prawns and teh sauce was merely there to hold them together a little and the bread was wonderfully fresh and I enjoyed every bite! I think the ploughmans went down well - both stilton and prawn! All in all I feel it's safe to say the food was a success and the liquid lunch didn't seem to go to waste either! Accordin to the other half the diet coke wasn't great but my OJ and lemonade was great...could have done with a little ice but it was nice and refreshing!

Mood wise today has been really good - maybe the sun does help lift your spirits! I woke up feelingtired and the stupid headache is still thuding along nicely...after yesterdays fiasco with the blood pressure drugs I'm trying not to take too many of the painkillers as I am very aware they are addictive and that is a problem I don't want or need right now.

Cooler at long last

I woke up this morning to find that is had finally rained and was feeling much cooler...but by the time I headed over to therapy it was feeling decidedly sticky and was sunny with no further indication of any rain at all.

Therapy went quite well except for me losing my folder - I've just found it in the recycling box...so much for filing it somewhere safely!We started talking about CBT today which is something I'm due to do at some point - cogniative behaviour therapy (if that's how it's spelt)
It should help me learn how to adapt my 'normal' behaviour and reactions so they don't cause me further problems...well that's the very basic idea but it should help me to avoid panic in situations where I don't feel in control or safe...

I also had a trip to see my Dr regarding a repeat prescription. It turns out that for the last 3 weeks I've been taking above the recommended dose for one of my blood pressure tablets. I'm now back to the suggested recommended dose and I have to go back next week as my blood pressure had reduced a little and he wants to see how it is after a week at the amount I'm meant to take! I still don't have my personalized parking space at the Surgery but I'm working on it!

Today has been fairly uneventful...Tuesday is looming rather harge and if I'm honest I'm dreading it - I'm not ready to get older as I still feel I missed out on 2008 and I should only just be reaching 37...

Still far too hot!

Today was the hottest day so far this week I think...I went out in the car earlier and even when driving the temp was still up to 35 C. I want my typical English summer back, even if only for a day or 2! I'd like it to be fine on Tuesday as I get older again and that is always easier if it's sunny!

Mood wise today hasn't been too bad - it's been far more balanced than earlier in the week. I quite like not having the peaks and troughs, calm seas are much nicer than an ocean with a tidal swell! A few more days like this and I will be seriously happy and feeling that the light is back at the end of the tunnel..hopefully hitting 38 won't be as bad as I think it will be! I get to share my birthday as Tuesday is hapening at ours next week. I just hope I don't get sung to, I always end up beetroot coloured when that happens.

It's therapy again tomorrow, week 7 out of 10. Not sure what we're talking about but I just have a feeling I'm going to miss it once it has finished. It is really good to talk to people who have been through or are going through what I'm experiencing at the moment, I wish I could carry on meeting them just to chat once a week.

Stuff....

Google's about to have its second tenth birthday. In late August, Blogger will officially turn 10 years old. As our birthday draws near, we thought it would be interesting to share some fun facts about Blogger:
Every minute of every day, 270,000 words are written on Blogger
Millions of people worldwide use Blogger to publish to their blog each week
Almost two thirds of Blogger's traffic comes from outside North America (What's the #2 country after the U.S.? Brazil, followed by Turkey, Spain, Canada, and the U.K.)
The most popular sport for our bloggers? Soccer (that's football to the rest of the world), more than four times larger than the #2 sport, baseballWhile we're really excited about this milestone, we want the focus to be on you and the remarkable stories that you and millions of people around the world document on Blogger. After all, blogs are one of the true building blocks of the web, constantly updated not only with news and personal stories, but any kind of information you can imagine. Just this week, there's an Iranian student documenting the minute-by-minute proceedings in Iran, while a British woman is uploading nightly blog posts from her satellite phone while rowing solo from Hawaii to Australia, while an American college student is running from Amsterdam to Athens with nothing but the pack on his back. There are literally millions more.

Having been told that I should record how I feel I thought seeing as I'm feeling really pants (sorry Sue, I borrowed your phrase) I'd have a quick scribbling session on here - I'm not in the mood for writing on paper and then burning it so the laptop gets it...

I guess I got out of bed on the wrong side today -I meant to get up at about 7.00 so I keep a routine but I forgot to turn my alarm on so at 8.30 I dragged myself into Wednesday to find the TV was still on downstairs but there was no sign of husband, his case, laptop and work clothes were still here - he was the only one missing along with his car! I tried phoning...no reply so I sent a text off too for good measure, I was about to call his mother when he drove in (my mind was in serious problem stage and I had considered calling the hospital) It turned out he had a Dr appointment that I had totally forgotten. So panic over but it was a start to the day that I really don't want to repeat too often.

The heat is continuing and I am completely fed up with sun. no clouds and relentless heat. I did cool down a little last night when I was in the middle of Ashford but on returning to the house the heat was ack big time. The media isn't helping by continuously reporting that this is going to be the norm in the future long with droughts etc I want typical English summers back...the kind I'm used to, wearing loads of layers on the beach as it's so cold rather than to protect yourself from the dangerous rays....

Maybe it's the heat that is getting me so pissed off and once we get normal service in respect of the summer I'll be a happy bunny again.... maybe I'll have a nice daydream about that as I can't be bothered to make any lunch.

and so the heat goes on

I know I really shouldn't moan about good weather...but I was not designed for this sort of heat. If anyone has ever wondered why I love Noway so much well there is a simple answer... it has a cool climate and in May there was still snow around! I would love to be sat in a pile of snow right now. Poor Old Gizmo really can't cope with the heat - right now I have no idea where he is but most of the time he is flaked out on the floor as stretched out as he can get while being blasted by the fan tower thing as much as possible!

This morning was hair washing time and I'm seriously tempted to do it again with cold water. It was nice leaving it to dry on it's own - no way was I using a hairdryer! The only downside is I now resemble the Wild Woman of the West as it has gone seriously frizzy and I have no intention of straightening it, even if tonight is my first night at Choir...it will probably simply get tied back and that's as far as it goes! If they are lucky I may even put some lipstick on!

One real downside in this heat is eating.. I'm really not in the mood to eat, I'd rather just pick at things that make and eat a 'proper' meal. the thought of cooking at the moment is exceedingly unappealing to say the least. I managed to last night but that was mainly a put it in a pan and hope session. I have no idea what I'll do tonight but I'm out at 7.00 so it may be a bit of toast of something along those lines... At least that is quick and easy!!

Heatwave.... Is all too much

I'm really not designed for hot weather...I got into my car this afternoon and it said it was 34 C... This is England - we don't do temperatures that high for days at a time and this is forecast to last for a while - I have a feeling I'll start melting and I'll need hugging like a candle to stop me turning into a puddle of wax!

I had my first appointment with my psychologist today. He was a really nice bloke and taked a whole load of sense... it turns out the damage done to my brain last year can take up to 5 years to heal and settle down and start to work in the way I want it too. WHilst I'm waiting for it to rewire itself I am going to be different to how I was (which for me means a whole lot more emotional) and explains why I have no self confidence and why I'm being far to harsh and critical with myself. He also said the brain is a paradoxical macine and the harder you try to avoid or control something the more likely it is to happen (again - me being emotional - the more I try to stop it the worse I get)

Looks like I'll get 10 sessions of one on one therapy and also CBT but there is a 6 month waiting list so it won't happen until 2010. But in the meantime he's sending me some web sites to look at that may well help me, I'm relieved he's outting everything in writing for me as I'm sure I've forgotten a load of what he said. One thing I do know is I'm going to avoid quicksand! He's also suggested I should record all my emotions etc in a journal... I'm not exactly sure here is the right place to do that..maybe pen and paper is better especially if I want to burn it afterwards

Tough week

It's safe to say this has not been a great week for me... I've mastered bursting into tears on a regular basis at work and got summoned for a chat and basically told to get signed off and have a break and relax..good to know someone noticed and cared!

I saw my GP on Friday and after I explained how I was feeling and what was happening he signed me off and asked me how long I wanted! I've taken 2 weeks or going back again will be even harder, plus that is what Rachel suggested at counselling last time I went. I'm being a huge coward and haven't told my family... they find it hard to accept mental illness and are still of the opinion that Im making myself ill and I should just pull myself together and I'll be fine and exactly how I was at the start of last year. It's more probable that I've been building up to this for years and being ill was the only way I gave in long enough for it to break through and me to even pay attention to how I was really feeling. Shame they don't read this as it is easier than trying to talk about it as that just makes me emotional and I start crying again. And I'm pretty much cried out so far.

But - one positive move, I have joined another choir in Ashford...apparenty the womn who runs it knows my father! But singing again is something I have really missed and I want to do again in some shape or form... I got so emotional just watching my old choir sing so I know I need to try this, hopefully they won't mind out of tune squealing!!!

Therapy ideas....

One of the suggestions from my thereapy is to write a daily blog/diary and get unwelcome and/or negative feelings out of my head and to then burn it to obtain closure and release from them...somehow I think there is a limited number of times where our insurance will pay out for a new latop if I burn this one!

We joined the mad cyclists for lunch the Tickled Trout today... My jacket potato and Tuna was delicious and Batty cleared up my tomatoes for me - another couple were there with their new Puppy...a Labradoodle called Tessa who Tina offered to puppysit whist they ate their lunch...

She was totally gorgeous and just made me want a dog even more. I remember during my time studying or my A-levels our dog was the one 'person' I could talk to about anything and everything. She would sit on my bed whilst I poured my heart out to her, usually with her head on one side, looking as if she understood every word I was saying.

I could really do with a dog to do that now - and as Batty put it, to provide unconditional love and affection. I really feel that a loving pet would help me get through this thing I'm fighting right now, I need the love without the questions that they cn give along with the companionship. Especially as it looks more and more unlikely I'll ever have a baby, I'll baby my dog instead and maybe it won't hurt as much as it does right now - I would settle for it being less painful as it is rather than feeling as though I'm constantly being stabbed in the back by life.

NOt sure what we're doing for the rest of today...I think I may have a quick afternoon nap - I am feeling totally exhausted most of the time at the moment. It would really help if I could get rid of this headache, but the next stage for me is a referral back to Neurology on 23rd July, thankfully in Ashford rather than Canterbury this time. I have a feeling there will be a delay as they will want my notes from Canterbury and I guess I'll have to refuse to have a Lumbar Puncture again...

Medical stuff again....

I was back at the Dr this morning for the results from my blood tests last week.... I hope everyone is sitting down as it turns out my blood is NORMAL which is a real first for me! My blood pressure is still far or high, hence my headache not vanishing yet so my medication has been upped and I've been given some nice strong painkillers to make me even more zombified every day! But at least the pain will finally go.... I've also been referred back to Neurology but thankfully in Adshford rather than Canterbury so I guess I'll have a new neurologist from the 23rd July....

I am hoping I'll have got rid of the headache before then and I imagine I'll simply be told they still need to experiment with the medication I'm on - I've been told that I'm already showing the side effects of one of them but they are in no rush to change it for me...my assumption is I'm on the cheap stuff and my side effects aren't considered serious enough to switch to the more expensive stuff... I'm not worth the extra money.

Fridays is Group therapy day and today there were only 2 of us! Not sure what happened to everyone else - but it was honestly tough for me. As we were finishing we were warned to look after ourselves this weekend as what we talked about may affect us more than we would expect it to... I'm already feeling decidedly wobbly so I really could do without another over emotional session but at times I simply can't control them and if I decide I want to cry I bloody well will...

Crying has been a bit of a theme this week, but I have obviously needed to do it and the images I've been getting in my head have just confirmed to me how far I have to go to beat this illness. My main aim at the moment is to get some people to accept I have an illness and I can't just 'snap out of it' If I could I would - why can't people realise how hurtful comments like that can be?

Is anyone out there....

I'm not having a great day right now.... It is easy to say I am getting stressed far too easily and I need to find a way of avoiding that. I need to thicken my skin I guess and learn to let things wash over me and to not react in the way I do. I'm fantastic at over reacting and I can get almost paranoid. Maybe my appointment with my new psychiatrist is exactly what I need at the moment - I'm getting far too close to just giving up and trying to just kep everyone else happy and simply let Heather vanish and disappear even more.

If I'm honest right now I just feel totally trapped, the more I fight the tighter the ropes that hold me seem to feel. To quote Mr Mercury 'I want to break free' but the only problem is I have no idea what I want to do next, only that I need something new and different to stop me sinking back into the mess that was my old life.

The stupid headache is still pounding away happily inside my skull and the site of the bloodtest is now a wonderful mis of bruise and blood under the skin. I just hope the results are back on Friday when I go the see the 4th Dr about this - he'd better come up with a solution that will stop the pounding of at least dull the pain so I don't keep wanting to drill a hole in my head to relieve the pressure.

Sorry, not a nice update, but I'm feling down and have decided not to keep trying to behave how other people expect and demand I do. If I'm feeling down there is more tha probably a reason for it and I will act/behave how I feel rather than try to be someone I'm not.

I think Blog hates me

It wouldn't let me log in.... I thought it would/should be straight forward!

Right now I'm still dealing with a 2 month old headache... I've had a 24 hour heart monitor on and yesterday I had blood tests done. The bruising from that is turning into some rather spectacular colours and I now have what is best described as a decidedly stiff wrist which is painful to move - I do wish it was easier to get blood out of my wonderful stone or lead based veins!

I'm off to see Carmen (the opera) tonight, My Mum is in the chorus and if I was still in the choir I would be too....although the fact I still can't sing may well have had a bearing on that!! I'm looking forward to it and I guess it will be a good way/time to look at the feelings I have as I would have loved to have been singing in it... I've got loads of tissues as I feel crying is extremely likely. Andy is also out tonight - to be honest I'm really not sure what he' s up to except it's due to finish at 4am! He'll never last that long!

Some of our neighbours are having a party today...last time they did it went on well into Sunday so the chances of sleeping are slim as I think it'll be far too hot to have the windows shut... But we are off to see the in-laws tomorow which should be nice and gets us both out of the house and away for a little while...time to bore them with photos from the cruise anyway!!!

07 June 2009

Been a challenging day today....it did make me wonder why I want a child when I spent an afternoon with 8 nine year old boys for my nephews birthday! I had forgotten how much noise they can make...it was deafening and not great with my wonderful continuing headache :(

My family wound me up too - I don't know how to explain to them the issues I have with how my mind works right now and how the events of last year are weighing on me right now...all I get told is that it's in the past and doesn't matter...Sorry, but to me at the moment it does and comments like that really hurt. I felt like bursting into tears there and then - but I couldn't do that to Jake.

I'm also missing my husband, he seems really distant to me right now and I need him...but not sure he needs me

First steps...

Seeing as Yahoo 360 are closing down I've decided to abandong the sinking ship... at least I have time to shift my existing entries over before 360 self combusts!