Saturday, 6 May 2017

Crying without tears....

It is coming up to the first anniversary of my Dads death....I still miss him and have picked up the phone to call him more times than I want to either admit to or care to remember. Mikey tends to use his death to try to get out of homework or going to bed. He is only too aware that the mere mention of Grandad reduces mè to tears...I had hoped I'd be cried out by now but the tears just keep falling.

I guess I'm also thinking of my own mortality now...especially after the funeral for Glenn. He was so young and having spoken to him only a few days before his death so lovely and kind. He helped me get over being told what a terrible mother I am by my son. Glenn reassured me that I'm doing ok and that Mikey doesn't mean it. I really needed to hear that at that time and I will always be grateful he took the time to tell me...

Glenn's funeral just re-emphasised how I hate crematorium ceremonies with the curtains closing etc and the coffin being left alone. I found it very hard at Dads funeral to leave him and last Friday made me certain I don't want that. At the moment I'm not sure what I want other than lots of music... so it looks like I want one hell of a party...and I quite like the idea or being buried beneath a tree so I can at least help clean air for the future...

I'm still job hunting, I'm applying for every local job I can do but don't seem to be getting very far. The number of places that reply/give feedback is extremely low. To be honest I feel that is rude and not exactly polite.  But I'll keep looking, there is a job for me out there somewhere!

Wednesday, 25 January 2017

Could the world stop so I can get off??

I have been meaning to post for ages....but life sort of got in the way!

2016 was really not a great year. I no longer work for Commercial Services and my Dad died very suddenly. Mikey and I are still trying to adjust to his loss....I tried some counselling through Cruse, but all he seemed to want to do was make me relive the day Dad died - something I found and still find devastatingly painful and then he'd leave. Andy would then try to calm me down before I went to cry myself to sleep again. If I'm honest I feel he did far more damage to me and my emotions...but I have not been able to provide any feedback. I'm hoping I was one of his first clients and he'll learn from the mistakes he made with me.

I'm trying to find a new job....but not having much luck if I'm honest. I've applied for loads of vacancies but am getting nowhere fast. In the meantime Mikey is growing rapidly and seems to be working through as many pairs of trousers as he can... anyone fancy sponsoring his school uniform?!?!

Sunday, 19 October 2014

Ups and downs

I'm feeling decidedly fed up at the moment. I should be bouncing off the walls in excitement as I have moved on from Heart Failure to Heart Disease - but at least there is a treatment that can pretty much cure me!

The CT scan I had showed that I have a blocked artery - the probable cause of the heart attack I had at some point, still no idea when it happened - but that is probably for the best!! My problem at the moment is I still have no idea when the Angiogram is being done. I was told at the CT Scan it would be in 6 weeks, but other than being called in on the Monday for some more blood tests I've not heard anything. If I know when it is happening I can at least know when I'm aiming for! Hopefully it will just be a day procedure - Andy is going to be dragged in with me so I don't get lectured about being alone like I was at the scan!!

In the meantime my moods are all over the place. most of this week I've had a migraine and been stressed...stopping myself crying is getting harder and harder to do. My emotions are as volatile as they were when I was pregnant and pretty much uncontrollable. 

Sunday, 28 September 2014

The light is getting bigger and brighter!

I think it is safe to say that I have had a good week! My weight loss has slowed down which I feel is a good thing as I seem to be maintaining it without, so far, any blips occurring! 

I have also been discharged by WACU as they are happy that, for now at least, my medication is at the right levels and my kidneys etc are coping fine so no problems and hopefully fewer blood tests!

The next big step is a return to work on Monday. If I'm honest the thought of the drive is the main scare factor for me. I am going to be quite a way from my security blanket at the Hospital. ..but I now know a whole lot more than I did before! The daily weigh in alone should help to quickly identify any potential changes or problems! I guess I'm also nervous as I have no idea how the changes proposed for the various parts  of the finance team may have been implemented or changed. I'm not even sure how the credit control team has been or is proposed to change! Guess that will be something I discover on Monday! Or tomorrow as it is now....cue butterflies etc taking off en masse in my stomach. Now my weight will probably change.....

Wednesday, 24 September 2014

Light appears to have been turned on at the end of the tunnel....

I was back at the hospital on Monday afternoon for another ECG. The last one I had while I was on CDU had started the minor panic as as my heart was only working at 20% of what what was  expected. At least that explained why I couldn't even walk 100m the day before....

On Monday I wasn't given any results, I assumed I'd get to know more when I see my consultant tomorrow. But yesterday I had a call from Cornelia, one of the specialist  cardiac nurse team I met while I was on Cambridge K ward.  She said she was calling about the scan...me being me I automatically assumed the worse. Stupid really as I'm feeling great!  As it turned out it was the opposite news. I was being phoned as the results were considerably better than anyone expected! 

My heart is currently working at 45%...Most women only achieve 55%! There is still a problem but not anything like as bad as first thought! This lead to a happy dance and lots of singing! Luckily none of the neighbours were around as I was pretty much bouncing off walls as  I had a mini solo celebration!

Back to hospital tomorrow for a blood test to check my kidneys and to try to get a prescription for my beta blockers as my previous GP managed. to miss them off my prescription....They aren't at all important.....

Wednesday, 17 September 2014

Life changes

Well my heart and I are still around! So far I have lost 22.6kg (about 3.5 stones) since 2nd September. Basically it was made up of all the fluid my body didn't expel for whatever reason and I have been dragging around for the past few months. It explains why I have been so tired and run down and the difference now is very noticable as I can get into and out of my car easily now! Plus I'm not breathless the whole time and I can make it to the top of our stairs without collapsing in a heap!

I'm having another ECG on Monday (arranged by my cardiac care team) to try to narrow down what may be causing my heart problems, at least I know my cholesterol level is fine - 2.2 may even be a little too low!! (I've been told my GP has these figures yet he told me it was high last week... Another reason to move, I object to being lied to by someone I'm supposed to be able to trust)

One big plus I've had this week is I seem to have found my voice again! I assume it was underwater somewhere and is no where near as strong as it was and I'm not usre what my range is now - but at least I can start working on it again! I am so looking forward to singing in the car again! Whatever car I get next I want to be able to play my ipod through it! It feels so good to be able to enjoy being surrounded by music again.

Now the hard work starts - I need to continue losing weight, but now it is weight rather than fluid - but I will stay on the water tablets to make sure the build up can't/won't start again, but now I know what I'm on the look out for. I lnow if I have a weight increase over 1-2 days I phone my cardiac nurse and we increase the water tablet dose to stop the build up before it gets a grip again...

I am still off chocolate...not sure if Cadbury's have been warned, but I'd rather have an apple at the moment! After the nurse left this afternoon I was a little peckish, so I had an apple and loved it! I get fruit sugars that are better for me plus no salt etc to have to worry about! I've already been told the reduced salt stock cubes I buy are a good idea and to avoid processed food as much as possible as there will probably be loads of salt - not always that visible! I need to convince myself I like more vegetables now...I can't really rely on salad over winter and potatoes don't count! Bread is pretty much empty calories so no point relying on thay either! Although at the moment I have such a lousy appetite I just need to get myself eating again!

Sunday, 14 September 2014

Reports of my demise have been exagerated!

The last few weeks are probably best as being described as challenging!

It all started at work when were were all dragged into a meeting to be told the finance team is being restructured and there will be redundancies. To say this was a shock to everyone was a bit of an understatement and the following day was not the easiest or most comfortable I had ever experienced - but reasons for that were way outside the realms of my work place!

On the Friday as I was leaving the Finance Director had a chat as she was worried about how ill I looked! I promised to use the lift etc and look after myself, thankfully we had a few days to get the forms of what we wanted (redundancy) filled in. I went into my meeting early as I was feeling terrible and I booked an appointment with my GP for lunchtime.  He signed me off for a week (just walking into the surgery left me out of breath) and sent me to the hospital for some blood tests. He also gave me a print out about my heart as he is addicted to people never leaving without handfuls of paper. When I arrived at the hospital I was told I was supposed to make am appointment - but as they weren't busy they just took the blood! I was tired so I headed home - thankfully not to bruised! Mikey and I headed to Nanny and Grandad on the Friday, I had a very embarrassing experience...one of my 'signs' of something being wrong is that I've retained an awful lot of fluid, my GP wasn't bothered, gave me some water tablets that did nothing and I was trying to cope. We went to Hempstead Valley for much - I got into the seat attached to the table, didn't eat much as my appetite is still hit and miss, but trying to get out was nearly impossible. Then halfway up the walkway I just ran out of energy - I couldn't walk any further. I made it back to the car and pretty much collapsed into there and once were were back Mum and Dad sent me home via my Drs. I couldn't get an appointment when I went in, but the Dr called me back and gave me an appointment - I messaged Andy to meet me there.

I had been told on Thursday that the GP who sent me for the blood tests wanted to go through the results with me himself - so I was given an appointment on 11th September (this was at the end of August) The Dr I saw on the Friday said he was sending me straight to hospital! Thankfully I was allowed home to get a bag packed and then arrived at A&E but was sent directly to CDU. I think that worried Andy more than me as I have little recollection of my time there in 2008! I stayed on CDU until late afternoon on Saturday when I was moved to Cambridge K Ward - a cardiac ward as it turned out I was in heart failure. Bit of a shock as it appears I'd been ill for a while and have probably actually had a heart attack at some point...I think my trips up and down the M20 have been lucky for me and everyone on there with me!

The first task for me and my medical team was to get rid of the sheer amount of fluid I was dragging around with me - basically putting extra strain on my heart, The water tablet dosage was fiddled with and I was weighed every morning to make sure I was peeing it all out! I was also limited on my total liquid intake a day! So far, up to today, I have lost 19kg or 2.99 stones in 2 weeks! This has helped me feel better, but I'm still feeling very tired and have a limited amount of energy available at the moment, but it is getting better every day. I'm still an out patient and my kidney function is closely monitored as it the sheer amount of medication I'm currently taking! I'm seeing the Cardiac team on Thursday and my Cardiac Nurse is coming to see me on Wednesday, I feel lucky and very well looked after. My consultant, Dr Ann Fisher, is lovely and my first reaction on meeting her was that I couldn't remember her name, but I liked and trusted her. Andy has since googled her and she is decidedly impressive! An Oxford Medical degree and trained at John Radcliffe, well published and an expert on the type of help I need.