Saturday, 12 August 2017
1) Like her, there are 3 people in my marriage - Me, Andy and his mother. She has never let go of him and even though he works in West Kent, he has never once considered moving over there as it would mean leaving Ashford and her sphere of influence. Both her sons are completely tied to her and neither has ever tried to break away.
2) Like Charles, my husband has lost any interest he may once have had in me. Apparently once Harry was born he didn't sleep with Diana, and when she tried to tempt him with racy underwear from Harrods he laughed at her and said she looked ridiculous. Welcome to my world...
3) She was lonely and searching for the one man who was her soul mate...I never expected to feel so lonely once I was married. But I go to bed alone every night and physically ache from wanting attention. I have to ask for hugs and I don't offer any affection as I have been rejected so often. And that does hurt - I feel that I am a failure as a woman as I seem to be rejected at every turn. Possibly a strong reason for my ongoing depression and anxiety, but how do I over come this? I'm now getting to the stage where I am fed up with fighting to try to keep my marriage alive as I feel as though I am the only one bothered.
4) Am I damaging Mikey by staying here? Would he be better off with 1 happy parent rather than 2 who are simply existing from day to day? How do I leave if that is the right thing to do? All I have are endless questions and no answers...where do I find my dashing knight on his charger to save me? Am I even worth being saved?
Saturday, 6 May 2017
It is coming up to the first anniversary of my Dads death....I still miss him and have picked up the phone to call him more times than I want to either admit to or care to remember. Mikey tends to use his death to try to get out of homework or going to bed. He is only too aware that the mere mention of Grandad reduces mè to tears...I had hoped I'd be cried out by now but the tears just keep falling.
I guess I'm also thinking of my own mortality now...especially after the funeral for Glenn. He was so young and having spoken to him only a few days before his death so lovely and kind. He helped me get over being told what a terrible mother I am by my son. Glenn reassured me that I'm doing ok and that Mikey doesn't mean it. I really needed to hear that at that time and I will always be grateful he took the time to tell me...
Glenn's funeral just re-emphasised how I hate crematorium ceremonies with the curtains closing etc and the coffin being left alone. I found it very hard at Dads funeral to leave him and last Friday made me certain I don't want that. At the moment I'm not sure what I want other than lots of music... so it looks like I want one hell of a party...and I quite like the idea or being buried beneath a tree so I can at least help clean air for the future...
I'm still job hunting, I'm applying for every local job I can do but don't seem to be getting very far. The number of places that reply/give feedback is extremely low. To be honest I feel that is rude and not exactly polite. But I'll keep looking, there is a job for me out there somewhere!
Wednesday, 25 January 2017
2016 was really not a great year. I no longer work for Commercial Services and my Dad died very suddenly. Mikey and I are still trying to adjust to his loss....I tried some counselling through Cruse, but all he seemed to want to do was make me relive the day Dad died - something I found and still find devastatingly painful and then he'd leave. Andy would then try to calm me down before I went to cry myself to sleep again. If I'm honest I feel he did far more damage to me and my emotions...but I have not been able to provide any feedback. I'm hoping I was one of his first clients and he'll learn from the mistakes he made with me.
I'm trying to find a new job....but not having much luck if I'm honest. I've applied for loads of vacancies but am getting nowhere fast. In the meantime Mikey is growing rapidly and seems to be working through as many pairs of trousers as he can... anyone fancy sponsoring his school uniform?!?!
Sunday, 19 October 2014
The CT scan I had showed that I have a blocked artery - the probable cause of the heart attack I had at some point, still no idea when it happened - but that is probably for the best!! My problem at the moment is I still have no idea when the Angiogram is being done. I was told at the CT Scan it would be in 6 weeks, but other than being called in on the Monday for some more blood tests I've not heard anything. If I know when it is happening I can at least know when I'm aiming for! Hopefully it will just be a day procedure - Andy is going to be dragged in with me so I don't get lectured about being alone like I was at the scan!!
In the meantime my moods are all over the place. most of this week I've had a migraine and been stressed...stopping myself crying is getting harder and harder to do. My emotions are as volatile as they were when I was pregnant and pretty much uncontrollable.
Sunday, 28 September 2014
I think it is safe to say that I have had a good week! My weight loss has slowed down which I feel is a good thing as I seem to be maintaining it without, so far, any blips occurring!
I have also been discharged by WACU as they are happy that, for now at least, my medication is at the right levels and my kidneys etc are coping fine so no problems and hopefully fewer blood tests!
The next big step is a return to work on Monday. If I'm honest the thought of the drive is the main scare factor for me. I am going to be quite a way from my security blanket at the Hospital. ..but I now know a whole lot more than I did before! The daily weigh in alone should help to quickly identify any potential changes or problems! I guess I'm also nervous as I have no idea how the changes proposed for the various parts of the finance team may have been implemented or changed. I'm not even sure how the credit control team has been or is proposed to change! Guess that will be something I discover on Monday! Or tomorrow as it is now....cue butterflies etc taking off en masse in my stomach. Now my weight will probably change.....
Wednesday, 24 September 2014
I was back at the hospital on Monday afternoon for another ECG. The last one I had while I was on CDU had started the minor panic as as my heart was only working at 20% of what what was expected. At least that explained why I couldn't even walk 100m the day before....
On Monday I wasn't given any results, I assumed I'd get to know more when I see my consultant tomorrow. But yesterday I had a call from Cornelia, one of the specialist cardiac nurse team I met while I was on Cambridge K ward. She said she was calling about the scan...me being me I automatically assumed the worse. Stupid really as I'm feeling great! As it turned out it was the opposite news. I was being phoned as the results were considerably better than anyone expected!
My heart is currently working at 45%...Most women only achieve 55%! There is still a problem but not anything like as bad as first thought! This lead to a happy dance and lots of singing! Luckily none of the neighbours were around as I was pretty much bouncing off walls as I had a mini solo celebration!
Back to hospital tomorrow for a blood test to check my kidneys and to try to get a prescription for my beta blockers as my previous GP managed. to miss them off my prescription....They aren't at all important.....
Wednesday, 17 September 2014
I'm having another ECG on Monday (arranged by my cardiac care team) to try to narrow down what may be causing my heart problems, at least I know my cholesterol level is fine - 2.2 may even be a little too low!! (I've been told my GP has these figures yet he told me it was high last week... Another reason to move, I object to being lied to by someone I'm supposed to be able to trust)
One big plus I've had this week is I seem to have found my voice again! I assume it was underwater somewhere and is no where near as strong as it was and I'm not usre what my range is now - but at least I can start working on it again! I am so looking forward to singing in the car again! Whatever car I get next I want to be able to play my ipod through it! It feels so good to be able to enjoy being surrounded by music again.
Now the hard work starts - I need to continue losing weight, but now it is weight rather than fluid - but I will stay on the water tablets to make sure the build up can't/won't start again, but now I know what I'm on the look out for. I lnow if I have a weight increase over 1-2 days I phone my cardiac nurse and we increase the water tablet dose to stop the build up before it gets a grip again...
I am still off chocolate...not sure if Cadbury's have been warned, but I'd rather have an apple at the moment! After the nurse left this afternoon I was a little peckish, so I had an apple and loved it! I get fruit sugars that are better for me plus no salt etc to have to worry about! I've already been told the reduced salt stock cubes I buy are a good idea and to avoid processed food as much as possible as there will probably be loads of salt - not always that visible! I need to convince myself I like more vegetables now...I can't really rely on salad over winter and potatoes don't count! Bread is pretty much empty calories so no point relying on thay either! Although at the moment I have such a lousy appetite I just need to get myself eating again!