Time for a change...

I have made a decision...last week I had the kind of review at work that I think I have only dreamed of having in the past. Instead of having positive things said to balance out the negative EVERY SINGLE PART WAS POSITIVE. I came put slightly shell shocked by what I had experienced but also determined to show it wasn't a flash in the pan but that is simply who I am and what I'm good at. I can't pretend to be someone I'm not as I'd forget who I was pretending to be! With me you get exactly what it says on the tin!!

I think I've thrown in enough cliches for now!

Yesterday we were off to Moss to collect Mikeys suit for next weeks wedding. I know I'm totally biased but I nearly cried when I saw him...he just looks so cute and utterly adorable. He may have to start fighting off the girls now and heaven only knows what it could be like when he gets older... I really may need a tank to disperse the hoards of girls camping outside our house!

Last night I was flicking through Facebook when I saw an entry from the RSPCA Garden Cattery for a young cat called Bea. I sent a message and arramged to go in this morning with my personal Monster to meet her. So once Andy dragged himself out of bed we headed in only to find she had been put on reserve. But her daughter was still looking for a home so we met Whitney imstead.
I have to admit she enchanted me from the first touch!! My fingers were gently licked and slightly chewed whilst she managed to ignore the amount of noise coming from our small hurricane! ! She is a sleek young lady with glossy black fur and if we are given the go ahead, will hopefully be moving in with us for her however home... I'm trying not to get too excited but it's hard as I want her to have a wonderful life to make up for being stuck in a cattery for the first 5 months of her life.

So one major change that I hope will be happening soon will be the expamsion of our family by I feline member!! We've beet catless since 2010 and I think that is too long...plus a pet will also be good for Mikey and I'm confident that if he gets too much she will simply leave him alone and go and do her own thing!!

I just find it hard to believe that she has been  overlooked simply because she is black...she was so sweet and gentle this morning.

Sea sickness time...

I started writing this last night when I was in my dark place...since then I have had what can only be described as one hell of a manic day and it seems to have helped brighten or lighten the cloud enveloping me...

I've even been reading how 1 in 50 deaths in Belgium are now caused by euthanasia without trying to work out how to get there! For me this is a huge leap forward. I never usually escape from my dark place so quickly...a good positive feeling for me.

Lookibg back now I know it was triggered by something last week. My overwheming thought when I collected my prescription was what would happen if I took all the migraine and anti clotting tablets in one go? That would be 4 weeks of fairly dangerous drugs in one hit. I didn't know if they would just knock me out and let me slide away quietly. Basically I'm a coward and don't want any pain...so as I couldn't find any answers to the questions I didn't ask Andy to take control of them. But it obviously wasn't a serious mindset as my next thought was I need a lockable medicine cupboard now Mikey is getting older.

I've learnt today when my Uncle's funeral is...on the 18th in Rotherham. I'm really hoping I can get there so I can at least say good bye...for years I was convinced he flew a helicopter,  I can't remember why - I must remember to ask  my parents as it's annoying me that I can't remember!!

My overwhelming wish is that Mikey could have known both of my Uncles...my Mum"s brother died over 20 years ago and although Mikey did at least meet the other one he is never going to remember him. I know they would have both loved him as much as I loved them.

We hit another Mikey milestone today. ..his first 'school' photo. He looks like a cheeky imp and totally aborable (no bias here!!!) I wish I could have bought packs for all 3 photos but that would have given my bank manager a coronary... so I've been good and stick to one :-(

R.I.P

The news from Yorkshire yesterday was not what we had hoped for...My Dad's family is now pretty much just him and Nicky and my cousins. Our Uncle sadly died last night.

He was one of the kindest and quietest men I have ever known. He accepted you as you and never tried to change you in anyway. It was also easu to just relax in his company. Something I relished when I was frequently travelling between Kent and Halifax or Oldham. On one such trip back to kent from Oldham I stopped to see him and my Aunt, as usual they wamted to feed me! I'd had several weeks of wonderful Italian food so je went off and came back with Nuggets and fries as I was craving junk food!!

Another wonderful memory is his wonderful sense of humour and his reaction to a mug with a frog lurking at the bottom.  I vaguely remember a comb being used to try to discover what was so different about this mug and an awful lot of laughter.

I just wish Mikey was old enough to remember meeting him..

This week...

Has not been brilliant. There was some news from Yorkshire that I am not going to dicuss on here but I'm sending big positive hugs to my family.

Mikey is still loving playschool. And thanks to Debbie we now know that 'Oggy" is not some strange playschool activity but is actually Maggie, his key worker! I have no idea why he has shortened it... But as he is happy I'm not going to question it!

On Tuesday I finally called my Dr as I've been having painful twinges in my back on the left side. On Tuesday it was more painful than giving birth so I called my GP. As expected there were no appointments so I agreed to have the Duty Dr call me. 4 hours later I got a call which quickly turned into a total farce. By the end of it he thought I had a migraine and he is sending me for an ultra sound scan and has prescribed some serious painkillers.

What has amazed me is that he hasn't even done a dip test to check for any infection. He didn't even check my records...when I said where the pain is located and sounded surprised that I'd had problems before...I really hope I am wrong but I've also lost my appetite and feel sick most of the time. But on a positive note I might lose some weight. ..so some good may come from this!!!

The photo is of Mikey earlier this week...I wish I could sleep like that, without a care in the world! Oh to be 3 again and to have nothing to worry about.

Growing up

Yesterday was another step in the growing up process for my little boy. Next month he is being a page boy so yesterday was a trip to Moss Bros. for thr first fitting of his suit. I know I'm biased but he looked gorgeous and far to grown up. He didn't help much when his collar size was being checked and once I put it on him there was a lot of pulling at it as if it was too tight  buf they must be used to this as the top button is sewn on with elastic so it gives!!!

Once he was back to being a boy (his words) we wandered across to Clarks to look for some black shoes without flashing lights! Unfortunately the only pair I liked had flashing yellow lights and I know someone would bounce down the aisle to make sure they flash! But I have got another couple of weeks to find some!!

He is loving playschool, although I have yet to learn what 'Oggy' is. This is his usual answer if you ask what he has done there. ..he did tell our neighbour that he does painting - but we have yet to see any of it! But when it starts to come home I'll have to find space for a gallery!!

One problem we have had recently is him thumping people, including Nanny, Auntie Nicky and me. We felt it was due to an overdose of Tom and Jerry so watching of their escapades is currently under a temporary ban.  So now we need to  work out how to explain that cartoon characters don't feel or get bothered by pain, but people do....

But this is one of the first problems we've really had so in my mind we've still been very lucky with our little boy.

Monday...

I'm not sure what is going on at the moment...all I know is I'm scared. I have no idea of what or why, but this morning on the motorway I was close to full blown panic. On the way home a van driver was very close as we were going through the variable speed limit and I was close to tears.

Once we were out of the variable limit I stuck in the inside lane - basically I felt to scared to pull out to overtake anyone...looking back at cars in the middle lane they just seemed to be travelling to fast for me to risk trying to move lanes.

I was ok once I'd parked the car and got back into the house...well a little better, I still can't switch off and relax and I feel really tense...as if I'm on the verge of something horribly bad happening.

Not sure if Mikey has picked up on how I'm feeling but for the last few days he has been a total nightmare plus he's slapped me, Nanny and Auntie Nicky accross the face. I think he's seen too much Tom and Jerry and has yet to realise that humans don't bounce back in the way they do! So at the age of 3 the cat and mouse are now on the banned list. Much as I moan about Disney Junior at least none of their shows have any violence in the way T & J do....

Right now I really don't know how to deal with him...maybe he hasn't got the sort of stability he wants, but we can't afford for me not to work. But if me working is going to damage Mikey I'll have to rethink things...

PLEASE COULD SOMEONE JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO? I'm fed up with crying myself to sleep and feeling so useless as a Mother.

Emotions...

That's it, summer is now officially over as I'm sat watching the Last Night of the Proms. Mostly with tears streaming down my face. The main problem I've had this evening was the choices of a couple of pieces that I used to be able to sing.

This may sound crazy to anyone else but singing was the only thing I could do and other people could also enjoy. Plus the feeling once you mastered something was amazing. The first time we got it right was an amazing sensation and to then repeat it as we mastered on of Verdi's most famous pieces is something I never want to forget whilst also being a feeling that has been torn away from me

I did try to sing again with a choir but I think I did more damage than good to what was left of my voice thanks to the butcher of Canterbury. At this choir there was nobody to teach you how to support and look after your voice. Fitting routines to songs appeared more important than the actual noises we produced.

Unfortunately Danny Boy was included this evening...I apologise to anyone who loves the song, but I hate it with a passion. For some reason it depresses me and I can't explain why.

Mikey has started playschool this week. He and I went to a taster session on Wednesday. He loved it, I just felt very un- needed. He wandered on quite happily and already seemed to know loads of people! That child has a far better social life than I ever have. The photo I'm hopefully going to attach is Mikey in his official t- shirt. But we are now in a countdown mode to next September when my baby is going to start school. Far too soon...

Post holiday....

The cat is Rory who I nearly brought home from our week in Broadstairs last week...he actually belongs next door, but they were on holiday so we were providing meals 3 times a day. At least that was the theory but the occasional breakdown in communication meant that most days 3 was the minimum number of meals he got! But he never complained and kept eating whatever ended up in his bowl...or on Saturday whichever bits of chicken fell off the work surface...

I actually really enjoyed having him around and I think Mikey did as well...which is a good thing as he who grunts in the corner has agreed that the Zerfahs family can get a pet cat! Mikey has already decided that it will also be called Rory, Mummy on the orher hand has decided we are having a girl so she feels less outnumbered! I would also prefer a long haired one who is a lap cat - I no longer have a baby to cuddle (unless I borrow Grace from next door) so I intend to become a cat lady!!!

Work still seems to be going ok. I've lasted longer than I did at South East Water and I like the team I'm working in and I am now getting the chance to really get stuck in and pretty mucj show what I can really do!! So all in all I'm feeling happy and far better than I have for years!

Next week we are hitting the next mile stone for Mikey. Playschool for him starts next Thursday.  We are going for a taster session on Wednesday so I will probably be a total wreck all afternoon as my baby is growing up far too fast...and there is nothing I can do to slow this down.

Been a tad busy...

Sorry for the silence...but I'd forgotten how tiring actually working is!!

My new job is going ok, the people are great and the system was a snap to pick up...I'm pretty sure it is the base for the system I used at Norfolkline and URS so I'm happily finding short cuts and helping out with Excel queries...Yup, it is entirely possible I'm turning into a Geek!!!

I had been thinking the work wasn't challenging. Today has changed all that! Hopefully tomorrow will let me track down members of East Kents social services so I can try to collect an overdue account of nearly £150k. It has certainly given me something to get my teeth into!!

Mikey seems to be happy to be back with Debbie...but I am being made to pay for leaving him. I'm not allowed to get him dressed in the morning, only Daddy will do. And in the  evening he much prefers Daddy's company and usually cries if we get home before him. He could run a master class on 'How to make your mother feel totally guilty'

Other than my major guilt trip life is trundling along. I think our next big thing is getting Mikey's Playschool place sorted for September. What really scares me is next September he'll start school. Although me being out of work was tough on all of us, I am glad I got to spend that time with him as I did miss some milestones before by being at work and he'll never be this small again...for some reason he seems to think he has to keep growing!!!

7/7

Today was 'B" day...I've been trying to forget this was happening but events on Independence Day changed my thinking a little! Basically, I got a job! What was even more amazing is that I was offered the job 45 minutes after the interview!  To say my gob was well and truly smacked is an understatement! What was a little harder  to get my head round is that I start tomorrow and it's 8.30 - 5.00. Mikey will probably not appreciate the early start (nor will his mother!)

This meant that Saturday evening was now a double celebration so I started to look a little kinder towards 7/7!!

To be continued...I need some sleep!!

Wooo Hooo

Not sure what happened...but I finally got offered a job doing the one thing I can actually do...

I'll add more detail later today...but it's too hot to sleep (plus I'm a tad excited)

A trip to my yesterdays...

Today was a trip into my distant past!  I actually left school 22 years ago (not a nice thought as in my head it is closer to 10 years ago) and today was a huge open day to celebrate 125 years of MGGS.

Before anyone thinks anything, I was not an original pupil...but I did leave before any of the current pupils were born...not a thought to stop you feeling old!!

On arrival you signed Iin by decade dependant on when you attended the school, wrote your name on a label and added a smileu face or two, again depending on your time at the school! So for today I was a Wilson again with a nice blue smiley face as my years were 1984 to 1989. This did mean as you walked around school you were looking at womens chests to see what colour sticker they had!!

Sadly I only met 1 person from my year - but she was at least in my form and I think the same house as me! I did meet a current day Viking and they still never win anything! It is good to know that the tradition we started still continues! It was odd walking through the front door (a huge no no when I was a pupil) but the house lists that used to be on display have vanished! It was also odd to see that one of the head girls has a beard and is called Jack!! If boys had neen allowed in my time I would never have passed a single A Level!!!

One of the first things to do was to find my third year form room (we started at 13 and did the first 2 years at a high school) the layout was as I remembered but the old wooden desks with lift upnlids are long gone, along with the very hard, splinter ridden wooden chairs!! I wonder if the current pupils know how lucky they are with interactive whiteboards and desks and chairs that don't draw blood!

My fourth year form room was a good old mobile...but we felt it was boring andsomehow got the ok to redecorate! We painted the walls baby pink (with sheep for added interest) and the ceiling blue with fluffy clouds!! If we had been in a form room in the school there is no way we would have been allowed to express ourselves like that!! But we loved it :-)

Thankfully our work of art is long gone and replaced by a rather impressive new home for the 6th form...complete with a large patio are with rather nice silver tables and chairs. I wonder if the current generation of foxes are well fed. Although we were told not to it was hard to resist them at times and sandwiches flew out of the window with alarming regularity.... kept us amused in our tiny rabbit hutch of a form room when in 6 1.

Most of the place has changed beyond recognition...but it was hard to get over the amount of carpet in the place...we just got concrete floors. And iron framed windows with large gaps that blew open if the wind was on the wrong direction.  I'm sure in 1938 they were state of art, but but by the late 80's they weren't!!!!

Wish I was 3 again...

This has been quite a 4 day weekend! Mikey started his celebrations on Thursday, his actual birthday, by covering the floor with wrapping paper as he proved he has mastered present opening (he did practice on one of Nanny's earlier this year) and did actually pause briefly to even look at what was contained within the paper! He has shown very little interest in anything clothing shaped or cards, those are simply passed to Mummy to deal with!

Since Mummy sold his slide earlier this year we had put a new bigger one on his wish list (anything to keep him busy!!) and Grandad arrived around 10.00 to construct it.

 And Mikey decided that  his assistance was required (at least he decided that I was allowed to get him dressed! I'm not sure Daddy, his Uncle of his cousin would be impressed by his new T-shirt, but I know Auntie Nicky would approve - and much to Daddy's disgust there is now chance he'll grow out of it any time soon!

Luckily the slide went up with no bloodshed or swearing )that I heard at least) But the rain didn't hold off for the first slide to take place in dry weather...But a little rain is no challenge to a 3 year old who has been busy missing his slide, so the first try left a dry slide and a rather damp bottom!!

 And once he'd started convincing him to come back in to a dry house wasn't happening - plus he'd also discovered his sand table and that also required his close attention, but at least in his house he did have a roof, although the wide windows on both sides didn't keep that much drizzle out! He has also discovered that it is deep enough to bury trucks and cars in...once I can kneel without screaming in pain I'll check to see what might be buried in there!

Nanny and Uncle Martin came over later in the afternoon so it was more presents and cake - Mikey made pretty short work of his piece and didn't spray too much over his cake as he blew his candles out! 

It is actually hard for me to accept that my baby is now 3 and will be going to school (hopefully) next year...Who decided that they grow up so fast? I find it hard to remember the baby who fought so hard 3 years ago and was tiny (to me) and I had nurses telling me I couldn't hurt him and not to drop him on his head... It was possibly the best piece of advice I as given - I was terrified trying to burp him after a feed, but there was always a nurse at hand to help me out - or in one case to spend half an hour late on night trying to get him to burp - I took him back and within seconds he let out one massive burp for such a tine person!! I wish all new Mums could spend longer in hospital to be honest, it gives you time to really learn about how to look after this tiny creature you produced!!

This was Mikey on the 21st June, I find it hard to see the little boy with blond curls and big brown eyes who is completely entranced by any vehicle with a siren (Thank you for the loud fire engine Auntie Nicky) But it was wonderful to see him charging around after a football with his cousin yesterday! He also sorted out spilling coke on the floor at Auntie Nic Nic's by sitting in it!But that problem was easily dealt with changing him into he Jake the Pirate costume!!

Tomorrow is going to be a rather different day for him, I have an interview so he is going to see Nanny and Grandad, as I'm also seeing an agency after the interview. Provided, of course, if I can get Mikey up in time...he got up at 10.30 this morning and keeps laying on the floor!! Maybe an early night will help...although Nanny might like a quieter Mikey tomorrow!!

3 Today

Three years ago I had my own personal miracle.  My son was born at 5.44 in the afternoon and from that second both my and Andy"s lives changed forever.

The last 3 years have whizzed past at horrific speed, but also I'm finding it hard to remember life without him... it almost feels as though he has always been part of my life, that shadowy figure you catch a glimpse of out of the corner of your eye...but never really see properly! I quite like the thought that our children are always with us, whatever happens in our and their lives.

I'm not sure if Mikey really understands what a birthday is...various people have been trying to explain that yesterday he was 2 and today he is 3. He just looks at you as if you were mad and carries on with whatever he was doing. Some of his looks are wonderful and I have loved seeing his character emerge as he grows up. I suppose it is especially treasured by me as I had thought it would never happen - and the vow I made on the Stroke Ward would remain unfulfilled.  But that evening in November 2009 when I couldn't stop the tears as I tried to sing 'When A Child is Born" will be a moment I will never forget as it was then things clicked into place and I worked out why I was feeling so odd...I was now we!

Part of me feels sorry for men, it is hard to explain the connection you have with your baby. I think I knew from that evening in Godinton House that our tadpole was a boy.The confirmation at our 20 week scan just confirmed what I already knew (although I still can't see how they knew)

Maybe I'm strange but I miss being pregnant and I really can't remember giving birth as being painful. .. my memory is of it being uncomfortable, nothing more! Perhaps I was meant to have more than one, but I now intend to be the best Mum I can for him. I just want him to have as good a set of parents as I had.

Hitting the ground...again

It's not been a great week to be honest...I still felt sleep deprived from last Saturday night and the neighbours    wake up campaign in the early hours, plus I've been missing my parents as they were still cruising through the Fjords and I managed to get an interview - but the salary was in the area where I'd be paying to go to work when you calculate childcare, travel costs and wear and tear on the car...

But Tuesday was great, Mikey and I went to Visit Auntie Nicky and drop off Jake's Birthday present. If I'm honest, growing up Nicky and I had a few issues, but once she went to University we got on loads better and now we are probably closer than we have been for a very long time. I know I'll always get a straight answer if I have a problem and I know I can trust her. If anythings happen she could end up with our Monster. She has done a great job with my nephew so I know Mikey would be in very safe hands. But I'm not planning on going anywhere any time soon - so I guess socialising Mikey is down to me...!!!

Wednesday was Interview Day, although I knew where I was going Tim was programmed just as a back up! Probably a good thing although he took me up Detling Hill which did throw me for a while! Especially when a van pulled out of a side road and then seemed to pretty much grind to a halt. I had forgotten how long that hill is and I finally managed to get past him, but in  low gear as he had killed my healthy speed when I'd had to stop for him. So by this point I was rather wound up and I hadn't even got to the interview yet!

A short(ish) drive along the A2 got me to my destination, but parking was a bit of a challenge so I ended up leaving my car keys with reception so my car could be moved if it was on the way as I had, basically, abandoned it!

During our visit on Tuesday a visit had been made to an international toy shop chain as it is a certain person's birthday next week. One of the toys requires some assembly so I had decided to put it together on Tuesday evening... As it turned out this was a wise decision as it had a large hole and crack in one side - not ideal for a sand/water table! So as I was back in Medway on Wednesday it seemed like a good idea to take it back.

My interview had seemed to go well so I set off to go back the way I had expected to arrive and return the table. I had calmed down from feeling road rage and worrying about the interview but once I arrived in the car park it all went a tad wrong. As I got the box from the back seat I went very dizzy then everything went black. I then picked myself up and a quick glance showed I was bleeding nicely!! Luckily the skirt I was wearing was long enough to hide the injuries!!

Getting the table changed took quite a while as the customer service assistant was having a chat on the phone (it didn't sound like a business call to me) plus I'd screwed up the receipt as I fell, but she didn't ask to see that, just went and got me a new one - I checked that one to avoid having to make another return trip! I staggered back to the car and tried to call Nicky in the hope I could clean up a bit at her house, I hadn't got my key for Mum & Dad unfortunately. But Nicky was out or busy so I hoiked my skirt up to stop it absorbing more blood (It was cream...) and headed off down the M20 to get home. Thankfully I didn't have any more dizzy spells as I drove and thinking back I hadn't got around to breakfast before leaving home...add in getting stressed and I think I've solved what had happened. Once home I retreated to the bathroom to try to clean my knees up. Touching my knees was best described as agony so I could only rinse them to try and float the grit out (Please could carparks have surfaces without dust and small stones) I also had a look at one toe which was worrying me as moving it hurt - by yesterday it had a rather intriguing circular bruise showing, but has stopped hurting so much, which is more than I can say for my knees.

Next was to get my skirt in the washing machine...thankfully the blood was mostly on the lining, but Bold worked it's magic any the pink/red stains have vanished! I admitted to Andy what had happened, and why, but he got some stuff to patch me up. It took a while for everything to stop leaking out of my knees - probably due to my anti clotting medication!!

All change?

It has been an odd sort of week here. Right now I'm having an early night here on the coast. I feel and look totally knackered.  I have a feeling that if I was a horse I would have been shot by now!!!

Mikey has been a good boy on the whole... He has started roaring and/or blowing raspberries at his mothet if he doesn't get his own way so next job will be killing that off somehow. Maybe devine inspiration will strike this weekend!! I'm determined to be super positive while we are out of Ashford. ..After all it doesn't happen very often!!

Life not involving Mikey has been very quiet ovet the last few weeks...Potty training is on hold for now but hopefully will commence again soon. I just need to build up some courage too!! But in the meantime I do have a job interview next week so being positive that may be the thing to kick start the changes my life needs.

One thing I do want in my new improved life is fewer bruises. I seem to keep finding new ones that I don't remember getting. I can only assume somebody is beating me up every night!!

The photo is Mikey in fully relaxed mode-I so wish I could switch off the way he does...

Lack of news...

Not much has been going on in Heather's world recently. I'm still crazily filling in books for the job centre to prove I am looking for a job while they don't pay me at all. I wish I'd attended the class on how to play the system as I'm rather fed up that I have to drag poor Mikey into the Job Centre every other Tuesday to sit with the unemployed masses. Apparently I don't appear in any jobless figures as I don't get paid any benefits! I'm sure if I hadn't been born here I'd have got benefits coming out of my ears.

This week Mikey charmed another lady who really looked as though she would rather be anywhere than say waiting for her advisor. I noticed quickly that she had a hearing aid so I just made sure I looked at her when I spoke and her lip reading was fantastic, unfortunately the advisor she saw was far more interested in her computer screen (which I assume told her that her client was deaf ) and just yelled loudly at her. I know I get  annoyed at the way the deaf are treated as my grandmother was deaf, and I adored her. I suppose growing up with someone who has a 'disabilty' you automatically slip back into old habits. My grandmother never let it stop her, when my parents arranged for a new colour tv to be delivered to her flat with cefax so she could read subtitles she flatly refused to use them as they were too distracting! She was also a massive snooker fan - I never quite worked out how or why with her old black and white tv.

I'm not sure why I've been thinking about her so much recently, she died over 20 years ago but recently she has been in my thoughts an awful lot. I would have loved her to meet Mikey, she was one of the few people I felt comfortable talking to during my teens, I even wrote letters to her as she lived in Yorkshire and didn't have a phone. I've realised while I was upstairs sorting Mikey out, today would have been her birthday. I just hope Mikey will have the sort of relationship with his Nanny as I had with mine.

My Parents are currently cruising round my favourite place in the world, Norway. And today they are in Olden with a brilliantly sunny and hot day - pretty much the same as it was in 2009 when we renewed our wedding vows on the bridge thanks to the Captain, at least I can remember that day unlike the day in 2002 which is sort of broken up in my memory.  I will admit that I don't remember all of the evening as we got through a fair amount of champagne...not enough to stop me feeling very embarrassed on the ships version of Mr & Mrs (Which we were supposed to win) but we did end up with another bottle of bubbly, plus another bottle was sent to our cabin by some friends from our table at dinner.

This was us on the flying bridge with the captain after we'd done our vows. I was still upright which wasn't so easy a few hours later!! But the scenery in Olden is amazing - I was pleased the Captain chose there for us. Mum and Dad are on a much bigger ship, there isn't much space there to turn ships around and they are so big they have filled the whole quay, a Thompson ship which is also there is having to tender it's passengers ashore! Thankfully we were the only ship there in 2009.

Looking Backwards...

Everyone (whoever everyone is) keeps saying that you shouldn't look back...but yesterday and today I did and I feel good for having done so!

In my distant past I had a friend who lives just outside Birmingham, when I got sent up there for meetings he was fantastic at appearing to keep me occupied and avoid sitting at a table for 1 in a hotel dining room, avoiding the gaze of travelling reps! He also took me to see Gladiator, and still finds it hilarious that we almost always ended up in the Rat & Parrot! We have been really good friends since the early naughties, but since I got married and was ill we've sort of lost touch! Thanks to Facebook we reconnected a few years back and just recently we ended up playing the same daft game, I'll admit I was sat here wondering how he was and thinking about sending a message to him as I was sure his mobile number had probably changed from the one I had. Then yesterday afternoon my phone beeped and I got a message from him! Spooky or what...

We chatted for a while via text and he called this afternoon, we chatted for over an hour and it felt like the last time we chatted was last week! It was nice to realise he hasn't changed at all and we seem to have fallen back into our old pattern! He is one of the few people I'll argue with about politics as I know we'll just end up laughing! I spent most of this afternoon trying to convince him to propose to his girlfriend of 4 years...after putting up with him for that long I think a proposal is the least she deserves, the VC is probably a more deserving award for her!

Mikey is still growing like a weed! At the moment his favourite thing to do in the whole world is to bounce! He has a small 1 person trampoline in the garden which he now can nearly bounce over the safety handle so will probably be asking for a larger one soon...I'm not quite sure where that will go as our garden is rather narrow...unless we can get an oblong one to fit into the garden!! That would make mowing the lawn a bit of a challenge!! It is decidedly scary to think the he is 3 next month, but on the other hand it is difficult to think of what life was like before him (fewer cars all over the floor)

He has had a haircut since this photo and looks less like a girl...a woman at the outlet centre told my Dad he had a lovely granddaughter...I got his hair cut as soon as I could when he told me that!

I think my next challenge is to find some kind of storage system for the fleet of cars, trucks and lorries which have accumulated in the last few months. The fact we have 2 massive fire engines, endless tractors and dustbin lorries plus various emergency vehicles (with sirens and no off switch) in addition to 'normal' cars means we have a major parking issue in our house! I think it may be solves with a plastic set of drawers so he can sort them out to his hearts content and they won't be on my lounge floor! It really is time his toys move into his bedroom with him!

OK, I know I'm wishing for a miracle...but they do sometimes happen don't they?!?!?

Roller Coaster Time

But unfortunately not in somewhere sunny like Orlando!

Mikey managed to amaze me last Sunday, we were at my parents on Sunday and Mr Black Eye was chatting to Mum's next door neighbour. I heard her ask what his name was and got a very confident 'Ikey' from him. I had no idea that he actually knew his name to tell anyone!

I've had 2 interviews this week but didn't get anywhere with either of them. I'm getting rather fed up with being told I interview well, and for the last one I got the old, 'you are over qualified for what we need'. It was for a 1 month temporary contract so even if I got another job the chances are I'd see the contract out...plus reading my CV should show that I don't exactly chop and change jobs. The first interview on Tuesday was in Tunbridge Wells, on a map the cross country route looks relatively short, but on Tuesday it seemed much longer there than any previous trips over. Plus I parked at the opposite side to the office, walking there was easy, all downhill! But on walking back to the car park it was more like the foothills of the Himalaya's! Plus I was worried as the car park was pay and display - I had only got enough change for an hour and when I'd tried to pay via phone it had crashed... By the time I got back to the car park it was 15 minutes after my ticket expired, and I went up to the wrong floor so had a minor panic that my car had been stolen! All the spaces were numbered, and I was parked in space 212...but when I got back there was a silver BMW parked in it...so I tried not to panic too much and went down a floor and there was my white car, thankfully without a parking ticket so I decided that was a good time to head back to Ashford!!

Although it was good to have some time to myself, there is no way I would cope with that drive twice a day. Even arriving at 9.30 I still had to queue into Tunbridge Wells and parking would have cost a fortune, I didn't see any sign of park and ride or any option like that!

This was going to be a longer post, but I'm just too tired...Andy managed to break the Microwave door this evening so I've sourced a replacement so tomorrow I guess well need to dispose of the current machine...so if Mikey wants any spaghetti this week before the new one arrives I'm actually going to have to cook it in a pan!!

As winter draws in...

At the moment I am sat in the garden as Mikey is busy playing outside. Yesterday being out here was fine,  the sun was out and there was a light breeze. Today is the total opposite...the sun is trying to break through and when you are out of the gale it is cold. But on the wind...I wish I had thermals on!

Mikey is totally unbothered and is keeping busy, fuelled by regular intakes of rich tea biscuits! So far today we have had trains, recycling lorries and now a couple of sports cars and a rescue truck out here. But they are all plastic so I doubt much can happen to them!

He is now asking to open the gate for some reason,  cruel horrible Mummy has said no so there is a minor sulking session underway...it is so tough being nearly 3!!!

Fed Up

I know people keep telling me that I should be grateful for everything good in my life...but my brain chemistry refuses to let me do this. Instead I'm just getting more and more tearful and it is getting harder and harder to keep my emotions under control. I'm very aware that I have to keep calm whenever I'm in contact with him...seeing me cry upsets him and I think that he worries it is his fault. It is far from that, it is just Mummy's brain making life for her difficult again.

What really annoys me is I can feel when I'm getting down, and I have lots of techniques I was given for keeping me going - but they are for when I've got to my dark place. What I need is to learn how to keep the lights on for longer so it doesn't get so dark...I also don't need people telling me to pull myself together, if it was that simple don't you think I would?

I know I really should go and see a Dr, but I don't trust mine and there aren't any there who I feel I can talk to...I know I keep saying this but I really need to change them. Having already been down a diagnosed with depression route, I really don't want to be labelled again. There has been loads of information and campaigns to try and change people's opinion of depression, but there is still a long way to go before people accept it is an illness and not just sufferers trying to be difficult.

Mikey is wonderful at cheering me up, but I don't like relying on him to keep me going. Poor little thing isn't even 3 yet so shouldn't have to keep Mummy going...

This last week has been quite busy for Mikey and I, next week is looking decidedly empty of anything to do. Hopefully the sun which has just arrived here will hang around for a few days so Mikey and I can get outside and enjoy it. His blond has got a little darker recently so he could do with a sun top up! And sun really does help when you are feeling down...so hopefully it will help me to - sun is better than relying on yet more tablets to get me through the day.

This is going to be a short post...I need to get out and get some Vitamin D Therapy...

Milestones...

Had a bit of a milestone today!  Mikey had his 2 year 6 month review and I am now a very proud Mum. He was busy playing while I chatted to the Health Visitor (another Sally...his speech therapist is also Sally... I'm likely to get confused eventually!)

The first different thing was being sent up stairs ay the Doctors. Mikey adored looking down on everyone in the downstairs waiting room...luckily he didn't have anything to throw!!! We didn't have to wait for long and we saw the same person who did his 1 year review. Mikey was given a few toys (shape puzzles and a few blocks which he immediately stacked and demolished with gusto) while I had a chat with Sally. There was a trainee health visitor who was trying to cope with Mikey, unfortunately for her he had found the measure on the wall and she tried to measure him. .. But being Mikey it wasn't that simple and after several attempts it was decided he is about 94.1 cm tall. Next up was weight...but someone spotted how you rest the scales so kept doing it. He did that at his first hospital appointment and obviously hadn't forgotten!

Unlike his review with Dr Freiburg he happily drew lines and circles - sometimes even staying on the paper! In my sons defence his pad for drawing is much bigger than A4. And once he discovered he shouldn't draw on the floor the crayoning got far more extreem (Mummy probably didn't help as she got the giggles!)

Sally seemed quite happy with his speech right now...so hopefully next month we will get discharged from there as well.

Then its his last immunisations in October and that's it until my baby goes to school. I find it very hard to remember him as the same size as Grace next door. Right now he is a little boy rather than the toddler I thought of his as even last week.

Next Steps...

I believe I have mentioned that I was thinking about starting an Open University Degree, mainly to prove I can do it as I wimped out 23 years ago...

I have opted for an Arts/Humanities BA (Hon) in English Literature and History. 2 Subjects I actually enjoy and would love to learn far more about! Thankfully the Government have decided that part time students can now also apply for a tuition fees loan which you only start paying back after 4 years provided you are earning at least £25k...no sign of me earning that amount again any time soon. I have registered with the OU and also with the Student Loan people, but I can't apply for the £2500 I need for my first year until May and my studies won't start until until 5 October, but I have got a list of book that will help that I can start on now! I will also need a computer that will play DVD's as much of the course is contained on them. Unfortunately my poor old laptops CD/DVD player has died and the keyboard has a mind of it's own! The OU also advise that tablets or I pads are no use so it is now time to start saving up for a new Laptop. Anyone know of any cheap ones around!!

The other news today has been the death of Baroness Thatcher. The reaction to the news has upset me. I'm not going to pretend I agreed with many of her policies but she was a leader who wasn't worried about upsetting a group of people if the country as a whole would benefit. I'm not going to pretend I understand all the politics surrounding the Miners Dispute, but on a personal level my Uncle, who I adored, has stones thrown at his house and was spat on by friends he had gone to school with because he was a 'scab'. He went into work everyday, crossing lines of men wound up to be abusive morons by their Trade Union leader. He kept the electronic systems working so the mine didn't flood and they had a job to eventually return to. Not long after the dispute ended he was diagnosed with Diabetes (He'd had a car boot full of 'pop' for as long as I could remember) But the next we heard he's gone into hospital for some tests and he never came out. So far as I was concerned Arthur Scargill had murdered him. It's a good thing I never bumped into him as I wanted to make him suffer in the way he'd made my Uncle suffer.

Margaret Thatcher was the first politician I have any memory off...her name was in the entrance hall of my first school in Norfolk as she had opened it when she was Education Secretary...so when she became leader of the Conservatives her name meant something to me! I also have hazy memories of the Falklands Conflict, we had a big map/plan on a wall in school and updated it daily. But I do remember hearing her calm voice on evening updates, to me it sounded like the voice of someone who knew what she was doing and would see it though. I guess it was her Churchill Time. (I wonder if this will come up in the History part of my studying!)

I know there are many people who won't agree with me, but R.I.P Mrs T...you stopped them forcing me to drink warm gloopy milk every morning break at school! But looking back, she made it OK to be female and have ambitions. She was a strong woman who was holding her own in a male dominated world, and getting many of them to do what she wanted.

Memories

I'm not sure if it is because of my current migraine (which resulted in several houts in a darkened room yesterday) but for some reason lots of old, forgotten memories seem to be creeping back into my brain. And probably forcing something important out...

For some reason I've gone back 13 years to 2000 and my first encounter with "energize' I already knew I couldn't see Andy at the beginning of the week due to bowljng and an ongoing commitment on Tuesday evenings involving the people I was going to meet on Easter Sunday afternoon. At that point I only knew where Andy lived, but we were only going round the corner...

To say I was nervous was one hell of an understatememt. My boyfriend of a couple of weeks had warned me that of the people I was going to meet didn't like me, the relationship was over. No pressure then! !!

I messed things up from the very beginning by asking who the 2 men outside were...I was quickly told one was a woman. Luckily things improved from there and I only got sexualities wrong from then on  - but waited until we left to ask anymore questions. And I'm fairly sure I have apologised to the people I made a mistake about! !!

One memory I do hold dear is the fact that everyone there that afternoon welcomed me and I am so pleased that 13 years later with everything that has happened to all of us, I can still call them my friends.

Mind Wandering Thoughts

This being out work is giving me far too much time to think... Mikey fills up as much time as he can and I am, most of the time, loving having time with him as he is changing and growing so quickly right now.But me being me I am also thinking far too much.

When I left school at 17 (I was one of the youngest in my year) I decided I had had enough of being in a classroom setting being talked at. If I'm honest I really wasn't old enough at that time to cope/survive University and the fact the my Mum wanted me to go as she was never given the opportunity was enough to make me dig my heels in and refuse to go. My Dad was very understanding but pointed out that if I wasn't going I needed to find a job...as instructed I did and started at Royal Insurance in Maidstone in September 1989. I started in Accounts on the MPP section looking after the Brighton Branch (MPP = monthly payment plan, or direct debits in English) For some reason vague memories of that time are popping back into my head, it really isn't important that I remember Brighton was Branch 304, Kingston 406, Maidstone 311 and Croydon 415. There was another branch but I can't remember the number so it really wasn't important!! (The branch was Canterbury and was the only office other than Maidstone that I worked in!)while things I had forgotten are popping into my head maybe I should record them before I forget them again!

But in the meantime, going back to the 17  year old me (A frightening image) today I have been thinking about the course opportunities I turned down, and my stupid stubbornness (If that is a word!! I really need some more education) and ( seem to have reached the decision that I want to study again. At the moment I don't know what I want to study, just that I want to! But I have taken the first step and sent off for the OU prospectus and I can start seriously thinking and I'm aiming for a spring 2014 start if I can sort out the finances etc for it. At the moment I'm torn 3 ways, History if I can find a Tudor Course, Psychology or English Lit. But seeing as the place I got was for Engineering it could all change again!!

As well as cost I need to carefully look at the time I'll need to set aside for study, I don't want Andy and Mikey to suffer for my selfish desires. I know I'm looking back with darkly rose tinted glasses but I did enjoy the study involved with my A-Levels, although I have also remembered that I still owe Mrs Seggery an essay on the US Legal System and the set up of the Judiciary from State to state and also Federally. (Did I mention my brain was being weird beyond weird now!!!!) my original plan at 18 was to do Business Studies, but after some of my business experiences over the last 20 or so years and especially in the last few weeks I would prefer to study something I'm not doing all day at work!!!

And it's over

Well my time as a Utility has ended rather abruptly. The reason I was given at lunchtime was that I hadn't picked up their computer systems quickly enough... I started yesterday and only got logon ID's etc at lunchtime today. Also having been responsible for new starters in a variety or work places I would never treat a new starter in the way I was treated...

1) I never even met the team leader
2) There was no structure to the training I had, yesterday afternoon I was listening in to phone calls and watching the systems being used, so I was only shown the 'bits' needed for those calls.
3) I was new to the water industry and they used jargon like it is going out of fashion...nobody gave me any insight or background. All I knew I found out on the intranet today.
4) I was given no opportunity to reply...the decision was made and I was left feeling small, insignificant and totally useless. My self confidence has had another huge knock and now I have to start the repair/patching job again.

I had a good cry with Mikey once we got home and got a hug from our neighbour and then started job hunting again... I have applied for another 10 and have been called by one Agency about 1 already. The perfect job for me is out there somewhere...all I have to do is find it.

Nerves kicking in...

Tomorrow is the big day when I'm back at work for the first time since the end of November last year. I have mostly loved the time I have been able to spend with Mikey, and now I'm having to leave him again...For the third time in his life, but there is no way we can afford for me not to work. I'm just grateful that we have found Debbie and he is so happy with her. It makes things so much easier for me knowing he is with someone I trust and who I know will do her best for him as he grows up...I believe her first challenge is going to be potty training! The only problem she may have is he often pops into the bathroom when I'm on the loo, but that doesn't really teach him much about his physical make up!!

 Another problem I'm having right now is my usual lack of self confidence. I have proved at both URS and CSL that I am more than capable of doing the job, but at the moment I have the horrible shadowy voice lurking behind me whispering into my ear that I'm going to make a huge mess, just as everyone who knows me would expect me to. I was never so lacking in self confidence before being ill...in fact a colleague who gave me my system training when I joined Norfolkline told me that I had an ability to talk about things I didn't  know and yet sound confident and believable. (At the time I was trying to train a temp who could speak German but had no idea what chasing people for payment involved.) We eventually decided that I would draft e-mails etc in English and she translated them into German and we did well like that until it was decided that her face 'didn't fit' and I was pushed into taking on a permanent staff member I didn't want (and who I eventually managed out of the job - not something I am proud of, but meant when someone tried to do it to me I knew what was going on.) If someone could sent me an imp to sit on my shoulder who will tell me on a loop that I am perfectly able to do this...

Thankfully our major Snow Event didn't really happen in Ashford!! Poor Folkestone seemed to be hammered as did Medway, but as the gritters have now been out all day I'm hoping that the M20 will stay open and ice free for tomorrow! The trip home could be a bigger challenge as Operation Stack is on as Northern France has also had a fairly substantial snow event which has led to eurotunnel cancelling their trains today and the gales/storms in the channel have also meant lorries being delayed over here, plus there was a problem actually getting them into Dover to go through to the Port.

I only went as far as Sainsbury's today, Mikey came with me and was not impressed that his hands got cold! (Terrible Mummy forgot his mittens) plus the store had closed the entrance on the parent & child carpark side and walking around to the opposite entrance meant taking on a kind of windtunnel to get in...I have no idea what the wind chill factor was there - but it was colder than England is meant to be! But rather than following the sheep and stockpiling bread and milk, I needed baby wipes! I did get some more bread as I know we will run out before the end of the week, plus I had to restock the chocolate stash!

Guilty Pleasure

Sunday evening is one of my guilty pleasures...basically I'm a bit of a Gleek! I know I'm not their target audience but I enjoy it. Tonight was a Christmas episode which also touched on the pressures to conform. The character Marley has either anorexia or bullimia and Sue Sylvester who is usually the person you love to hate broke into her home and left a tree and money for treatment.

As the mother of a boy I had hoped I'll never see my child feel under pressure to conform to peer group pressure. Yet he has already asked if he is fat and if he should be on a diet...HE ISN'T EVEN 3 YET.

I have no idea who has put these ideas into his head but right now he is in proportion and neither over or underwriter.  Who the hell tells a toddler that he is fat

Further Update

Life has been rather manic this week! Unfortunately it started on a bit if a downward move. I spent most of Monday e-mailing loads of stuff to the Agency ready for all the checks Verifone needed to be done. Once they had all gone, including the form for my CRB check which had to be sent rather than going quickly by e-mail, I relaxed and had some quality time with my son who seemed to feel his Disney Junior comic is better in a loose leaf format for some reason...I really can't understand how the toddler version (or the adult version) of the male brain works, and to be honest I'm not sure I want to!!!

Tuesday appeared, bright and rather nice, I sent over yet more documents and got on with my day with Mikey, but just as Andy got home I got a call from the Agency to tell me that the job at Verifone had totally fallen through. It appears to all be down to internal Politics, a previous employee who had left to go travelling had stayed in touch with their previous direct line manger who had agreed to give them the credit control job I was offered the Friday before. This Manager was in charge of credit control in the UK owned firm, but has been replaced by the new US owners, I can only imagine that Mahanna doesn't yet feel secure enough to over ride the decision and I really don't envy her taking on a team who just want to over ride her decisions...I have been in that position and the stress nearly killed me. My agency weren't too impressed wither - they had paid out for the credit and CRB checks and as I wasn't now being appointed they have no way to reclaim their costs. Somehow I doubt they will ever agree to act on behalf of Verifone again. As our conversation was ending Paul mentioned he was also recruiting for another 6 month contract, unfortunately not as close to home but a similar salary and could he send my CV? I had no reason to say no (I still need a job) so agreed and was told I probably wouldn't hear until sometime next week if they want to interview me.

Wednesday was not a good day as I was, in theory, starting work on Thursday but now had nothing to do but start job hunting yet again. Mid morning I got a call from the Agency, I had got an interview on Friday at 12.30. I agreed then started thinking about what to do with Mikey - not exactly a professional move to take him with me! Thankfully Nanny & Grandad were available and that suited Mikey down to the ground! Luckily this only gave me 2 days to wind myself up, and on Thursday Mikey was in a totally adorable mood and happily ate whatever he could get hold of! We had a really good time together and I got lots of cuddles - something I never say no to!!

Friday morning was slightly manic as my interviewed was moved forward to 12 and I needed to get Mikey to Medway before 11.15 when Nanny was off for  hairdressers appointment. The weather was yucky, wet and getting more and more foggy the nearer I got to Nanny and Grandad. Bless him, Mikey had filled is nappy on the trip over so my first job was to change a nappy whilst trying to keep a black suit clean! For once he didn't wriggle too much and he was soon redressed and busy plying with the Toys Nanny had brought downstairs interspersed with trips up to my old room to find more toys! We all left at approx 11.15, me to find South East Water in Snodland, and Mikey and Grandad to drop Nanny at the hairdressers and then go to see Aunty Nicky!

My trip to Snodland was pretty uneventful, but very foggy and far to many white and silver car drivers seem to have forgotten to put lights on - complete imbeciles. I found to office, but the carpark was totally full so I soon found a space on the road and wandered back to reception through the rain and dampness. I was 10-15 minutes early and a lady from HR took me over to the building the interviews were happening in and the candidate before me had already finished so I went in early. To be honest I don't feel I interviewed very well as I was too aware of how much we needed me to get this job - also I had assumed this would be credit control for corporate customers, but it wasn't, it is for private customers, last time I dealt with direct customers was my first job and Royal Insurance (and a few at URS, but they were mostly insane, I never got any sense out of them!!) I was out by 12.20 so called the Agency back to report that I didn't feel it went well and  I didn't feel I had interviewed well at all... Including a bad case of mouth like a desert which made speaking tough! Paul said he would let them know I didn't feel I had interviewed well then they went back to him. So I headed back to Walderslade to find Mikey and have some lunch. As the Fog seemed to be getting thicker Nanny didn't want us leaving too late so at around 2.30 we were trying to get Mikey to put his coat on I noticed my phone was receiving a call. It turned out to be Paul - I was offered the Job!! It turned out all the candidates were from his Agency and I was the only one who hadn't felt it went well!! Denise had asked Paul to contact me first and I assume there was a 2nd, 3rd etc choice if I turned it down...Needless to say I didn't,  and I start next Wednesday! I have now decided that I am only accepting future interviews on Fridays!By the time we got home I decided I was going to have a couple of hours feeling smug! I had beaten 4 other candidates as well qualified as me and the feedback I had been given was rather nice. It isn't often that I feel happy about something I've done or achieved so I decided to make the most of it!

So now Mikey and I have 2  more days together then he is back to Debbie for 4 days a week and Nanny & Grandad for 1 day, he is also going to start potty training now as both Debbie and I have noticed lots of signs that he is ready. And the thought of being nappy free and travelling a little lighter also appeals!!

Experiment!!!

This is a sort of test...I've loaded the app onto my phone so now I can blog when and wherever I want too!!!

My main problem is I have no idea how to post this...
Probably time to press everything on the screen to see what happens!!!!!

Crash Down

Today has been a day of extremes...I started of apprehensively as yesterday with Mikey was best described as a total nightmare. But today he was a totally different child, cute, smiley and cuddly. I put the change down to him realising that there won't be any massive changes and possibly he had picked up that the changes may not happen until next week.

But as I found out earlier this evening there are not going to be any changes at all. My agency called to let me know that they have been having a major row with Verifone who have decided that the job they offered to me on Friday has been subsequently offered to an ex-employee who had resigned to go and travel. Also the job has altered to a 3 month probation which will then turn into a permanent role. Apparently this person has stayed in tough with their previous manager (not the credit control manager) and they handed them the vacancy without checking with the Manager handling the appointment. Paul who looks after me at the Agency is furious as they messed me around a few weeks ago by fibbing about calling me when they didn't, and then they offer me the job very quickly following my phone conversation but also demand a basic CRB check and a credit check as well to be done prior to me starting. I was also asked if I would commit to staying for at least 3 months as recently they have had a couple of temporary staff walk out after 1 or 2 days. I agreed to all this and have been sending scanned copies of forms and proof if ID all over the place!

I was very calm while I was talking to Paul, but if I'm honest I am tempted to go and put a large stone of brick through as many of their windows as I can (but then again that would bugger up any future CRB check) He is almost as angry as I am and has told me that I have acted professionally throughout this fiasco and he is now searching even harder to find something for me. I have used this Agency before and they have always acted professionally on my behalf, it is just a shame that some of their clients find it impossible to act ethically. Having worked for a couple of US Companies in the past I know how keen most of the reputable are to show their ethical work practises and how they care about the people they employ. It is a shame that VERIFONE aren't one of them. Personally I hope that Michael Page International aren't left out of pocket for the work they have done on my behalf...and maybe I have had a lucky escape as they really don't like to treat their temporary staff well - maybe I should have picked that up from the 2 before me who walked out so quickly...

Just a thought, they are opposite a pub...maybe someone will do what I'm not brave enough to...

All change!

When I left CSL after being made redundant I sort of decided it was going to take me 3 months to find another job. Finding the job at CSL had taken me less that this and I can only think I was making an allowance for the downturn in the UK's finances. I know from experience that when times get tough credit controllers are usually sacrificed early as although we collect money, we don't actually generate any extra income personally. This time it has taken me 3 months and 1 day - I am taking this as a success as February only has 28 days and I was interviewed and got the job on 1st March (also my Mum's birthday, another good omen I hope)

I will be working for Verifone, provided all my credit and CFB checks come back ok, I am happy that I'll still be in Ashford rather than on the other side of Maidstone in the middle of nowhere. Since 2008 my priorities really have changed and I really want to find that illusive state known as work/life balance. Even more so since Mikey's arrival...I've had my time dashing around and putting work above everything else. I have finally accepted that I'm not irreplaceable, I am not essential to a large, international company and if I am not there it is easy to replace me. But replacing my son...not possible.

Although the last 2 days have not been easy with Mikey, we are well into the 'Terrible Twos' This morning I had a wooden car track and a basket full of cars and various crayons thrown at me. Hopefully the fact I haven't taken my blood thinning tablets over the last few days will mean I won't get too many bruises. In the end after moving most of his toys to the kitchen I decided we both needed a time out so I somehow got him up stairs (thank goodness my hair was tied back as he was trying to grab a handful or 2 while also kicking me. I'm also relieved I hadn't put his shoes on earlier, he got dumped into bed rather unceremoniously and the gate on his doorway was shut so he couldn't escape. I went up to check on him once the yelling had quietened down and he was fast asleep. It seems now he can get out of bed himself he's getting himself up far too early. He already has a blackout blind, maybe a gro-clock is a good idea as it shows him clearly when it's ok to get u and when he should be asleep...

We are also still having fun with food...or a lack of food if I'm honest! He will still happily eat microwaved french fries with a side of Ketchup, spicy couscous, and spaghetti or beans. Fromage frais is also still a big favourite, both for it's taste and the mess it can create. But as for protein from meat - not happening at all...on a really good day he might eat a quarter of a fish finger (provided it is smothered in ketchup).

I'm sure he is going to love being back with his childminder, it gets him away from his terrible mother who seems to spend most of her time saying No to whatever he wants to do...Plus he'll have a whole conservatory full of new toys to play with. And being next door to the playground is even better - for a 2 year old it is going to be heaven!

Catch - up Feb 2013

I have been meaning to update for ages, but as usual I didn't quite get round to doing it.

Mikey has now finished his 6 weeks of speech therapy, and I have learnt that speech therapy isn't exactly about his speech...instead it is looking at his social skills so we've had lots of games where he can't just grab any car/toy he wants, especially if someone else is playing with it at the time. I have noticed an improvement is the number of tantrums but when he does decide to have one it can take a while to calm him down again. We have a review in May to see how he is getting on - provided Mummy has survived the time between now and then! We have also seen his developmental consultant who seemed quite happy...he asked Mikey to draw a variety of lines and shapes, the first 2 were repeated nicely but then I saw a look I recognised!! When Dr Freiburg drew a circle, Mikey threw the crayon at him! He then moved onto rolling a ball towards Mikey, who threw it straight back at him with some force (while Mummy tried her hardest not to collapse in a fit of giggles) Mikey was doing his normal way of walking, basically at a high speed run! But he was also pleased with the way he runs, last time we saw him he was saying Mikey wasn't really walking properly - but there was no mention of that this time. I felt much happier as I got the chance to talk to him about my fears with his eating (i.e. he only wants junk) but he told me that Mikey is a well proportioned, happy little boy and  all that I'm doing is increasing the stress on me - and I should ignore all the advice I get from other people as he will eat when he is ready to. I was also told that I should be proud of my son and proud of what we have achieved so far with him. I have never felt that good after seeing a Dr, and at least I know now that I can feel proud of what I've done so far...just need to keep it up for a few more years!!

The day after the last speech therapy Mikey and I were happily considering hibernation due to a rather grey and cold day...thankfully after lunch my phone beeped to remind me that Mikey was having a hearing test...I had totally forgotten about it and Mikey was wearing most of his yoghurt from lunchtime! There was also a strong scent arising from his nether regions, so it was a trip upstairs and a very quick stripping of a small person and then a dash down the the Rainbow Centre. I should have been more relaxed as like any other NHS appointment they were running late and Mikey had time to have a good play with the toys in reception!
When we got in it was far more high tech than I have imagined! We decided it might be easier to have him sat on my lap while the test...he had 2 tiny plugs in this ears and when a sound was played in each ear a box on that side of him lights up. On the right we had Piglet and Roo and Pooh on the left. He actually was very good and the test itself didn't take too long, it finished up with an ultrasound drawing of each ear (at least I think that's what it was). The official report will be sent to the GP I believe but the testers were quite happy to tell me there are no problems or issues with his hearing and the heavy duty antibiotics he had in his first week have done no damage at all. (I believe it was Gentomiacin he was given - probably not spelt like that)

On Wednesday Andy had the day off and we turned the nursery into a big boy Pirate room! Mikey was at Debbie's for the day so we took the drop side off his cot. changed his lampshade, put his skull & cross bones rug down and Mummy got artistic with a load of pirate stickers!!

As soon as he saw it Mikey was trying to get into bed, still with his shoes on! So far he has managed 1 night without falling out! The first night he managed to roll under his bed which scared both him and me as I heard him crying but when I walked into his room couldn't see him until a small foot appeared! We then called for Daddy to lift the cot/bed so we could drag him out without bumping his head! Friday and last night he just rolled out in his quilt as stayed asleep on the floor!I think it is safe to assume he likes it, most of Thursday was spent dashing up and down stairs to check it was still there! And often it is called a 'Party Room' so I have no idea what he is planning to do in there and to be honest I probably don't want to know!!!

Winter has arrived...

Today winter 2013 arrived, the forecasters have been going on about snow all week, we did have a little on Monday morning, Mikey got very excited that it was 'Nowing' but wasn't too impressed when his hand came into contact with some of the white stuff. Hopefully tomorrow we will have slightly longer/more contact with the stuff...

I had a job interview this morning, I tried to be enthusiastic and excited, but it was tough when I got no reaction from one of the interviewers. The more I tried to involve her etc the less feedback/reaction I got. I haven't had any feedback from them yet, but I have decided not to think about it anymore and enjoy my weekend with my family, they are the important people in my life right now.

Mikey's speech therapy is continuing, so far we have had 2 sessions and I have noticed a major reduction in tantrums since we started. He must feel he can communicate with us more easily so doesn't need to yell, scream and kick out so much! He has been a really good boy this week and I am seriously impressed, he has been moved around to various people while I've been trying to see Dr's, register with agencies and go for interviews - and he has just accepted it without any problems or worse. Hopefully we are on the way to 'produce' a happy, well adjusted little boy - which is my aim right now!

This evening the BBC encouraged the typical English panic over the few flakes of snow we can expect. Fiona Bruce advised we mat get 'up to 25cm' in seriously shocked and hushed tones...a friend has posted a photo of snow along a road in Norway, the snow is higher than a coach parked on the road, and the BBC are worried about 25cm....You would have though that seeing as we have had snow each winter since 2009 we would have learnt how to deal with the stuff, the usual English attitude of ignore it and it might not happen really isn't going work or help us deal with what is starting to become our regular winter weather!!

This is a tad shorter than I intended...we saw Les Mis last night and I didn't get to sleep early enough. The film was amazing, and Anne Hathaway really deserves an Oscar. She is only on screen for about 15 minutes in the whole film, but when she started singing 'I Dreamed a Dream' I had tears streaming down my face and there was no way I could stop them, I did manage to pull myself together until the end of the film, than the challenge was not to sob. I really want to see it again, so it will be on my Amazon Wish List asap!!!

Can we start again?

So far 2013 has not been exactly fun or successful. New Years Eve and the 1st were both OK and I loved the fireworks from London and the look back over everything that has happened last year was suitably emotional and I was happy snuffling to myself whilst downing my sparkling Grape Juice...considering the number of bottles of the alcoholic stuff we have I do wish my other half liked it as I probably could do a bottle on my own, but the following day I would be in hibernation threatening death to anyone making a noise!

On the 2nd Mikey was back with Debbie and after I took him up there the decision was made to take the tree etc down. I started with Andy's help to get the lights off and then started trying to take everything else off in some kind of sensible order! I was fine with the stuff at the top, but bending down to the bottom was leaving me feeling a tad dizzy for some reason (and I didn't have the option of blaming a  hangover) Between us the tree was undressed and dismantled and 'normal' ornaments retrieved and the Christmas ones carefully packed away. Once that we done I headed for Sainsbury's to get a few things we wanted/needed.

As I drove there my head was spinning a bit, I just assumed I was getting hungry as it was after 11 and I'd missed out on breakfast as usual! I parked the car not too far from the entrance, as Mikey wasn't with me I was around the front, not in the parent/child spaces - a lucky move as it turned out! I went across a zebra grossing and the dizzy feeling started as I was nearly across, I could see the bollards on the other side and was aiming for one of those to grab onto to stay upright. As I thought I had got to one I reached out for it as it all went dark and I ended up on my hands and knees - feeling decidedly wobbly and rather sick, seasickness has nothing on the feeling I was experiencing right then. The next thing was a very helpful Store assistant was helping me up and insisting I sit down for a while to recover... Heaven only knows what sort of state I looked as the entrance was at that point was whizzing around my head - or at least that is how it looked to me! I would like to point out that I had asked Andy to go with me, something I don't usually do, but he was too busy.  One of the supervisors appeared and asked if I wanted an ambulance...by that time I'd got to the 'feeling bloody stupid' state and the last thing I wanted was to spend hours in A&E for a couple of bruises. So I thanked her and then decided a trolley should help keep me upright so headed into the store as Andy would still need lunch and milk etc. Luckily I had made a list for once, so I managed to get everything I wanted plus a Disney Junior comic plus a couple more cars (that were in the sale) for a certain young man. My luck continued at the self checkout as it decided to be as contrary as possible and I ended up with my own employee convincing the machine to work!

I had sent Andy a message telling him what had happened, and I was lucky that the roads home were fairly quiet as by the time I got home my head was spinning, he appeared shortly after I had parked (I am so pleased my space is straight ahead as you drive into the car park) and carried the bags in, so I just limped after him with a decidedly painful gait. My right knee felt worse so I went up stairs to check out the damage. I had stuck a pair of trousers on so at least my knees were protected as if I'd cut them getting them to stop now is quite a job thanks to the blood thinning drugs I'm on, but both knees were swelling up nicely and various other parts were throbbing and not feeling how I thought they should! since then I've found that my right elbow and the bottom joints of the fingers on my right hand are all rather bruised and painful and the base of my left thumb is also a little tender...this morning my knees still look extremely bruised, than goodness for the good old fall back of thick black tights! Mikey has also decided that the best way to make Mummy feel better is to hug her around her knees, very sweet - but it does have the effect of almost putting me into orbit with the pain, but he does mean well and it is very cute!!

Yesterday was another bad day...it started up with a rather upset stomach and ended with a phone interview where I feel they decided I'm likely to go off and have another baby...Stupidly I told them my date of birth when they asked - which I believe is actually an illegal question to ask a female candidate.

So based on 2013 so far I would like to stop and either start again...or maybe skip 2013 and move straight onto 2014.