FUll Week...

This is my first full week for months...mainly due to my Therapy on Fridays finishing - but I'm not planning on working 5 days next week. That would be far to much of a shock to my system!

I also have an appointment with my PCN next week and it turns out my insomnia is probably due to the anti depressants...so I'll be asking for them to be changed as they are also very likely responsible for me being so tearful for no real reason. I can cry at the drop of a hat now... which makes me feel even more tired and exhausted.

The day when I wake up feeling normal is going to be fantastic... and I may well just get totally drunk!!!

30th Post!

I guess that is a sort of milestone! I managed 500+ on Yahoo before they decided they were going to stop (note to self... I really must back them up if it isn't already to late!)

To be honest I had tought I'd slept well last night, getting up wasn't to easy as my legs decided they were going into wobbly mode, and there was my usual morning dilemma of 'what shall I wear' before I made my first choice for the day! The morning was fairly easy/simple, Sainburys delivered the shopping and Andy went out to get some cash... I got changed into outfit No 2 then we headed off to the Blue Anchor to find the mad cyclists!

On arrival at the Pub (at the same time as Emily and her Driver) we met the Badger who broke the news that lunch was off due to a family wedding! So once the starter was drunk and it was discovered that ducks will eat Salt & Vinegar crisps there was a short move to the White Horse where I got to spoon banana dessert into my gorgeous god daughter whilst waiting for my lunch (which was delicious) to arrive. Once lunch had been despatched we moved onto the Good Intent for a liquid dessert... Batty let me down, I was expecting him to have a 2nd lunch seeing as he'd more or less burnt the first one off on the ride from pub 2...

We left the fitness freaks to cycle home - but by the time we got back I was feeling really tired so I decided to hae a short power nap, 4 hours later I managed to drag myself out of bed and head back downstairs. But if I'm honest I'm still feeling very sleepy so the plan is for a good sleep tonight!

2 good days in a row!!!

I saw the neurologist yesterday... he was very nice and offered to pass my care back the the consultant I saw last year. I politely declined as at least seeing him I go to Ashford rather than having to drag myself back to Canterbury! I am now waiting for my appointment to go and have another MRI scan done. He seemed happy there is no obvious sign of any tumour but I think he wants to investigate the damage done last year - but on the other hand my medication could also be causing my headache but he doesn't want to get involved with that! So I also need to go back to my GP - he couldn't prescribe any stronger pain killers as the ones he would recommend react with all the medication I'm all ready on!

It was also decided I needed some blood tests... and for once they managed to get blood out of my arm rather than my wrist and I'm bruise free!!! But I have no idea wh they need quite that many bottles/tubes of my blood! DO I get it back when they've finished with it?? Although I guess my blood pressure should be lower again now!

In the afternoon I went to Reed Accountancy to register. Miranda is very nice and was straight with me, right now it's very quiet but I'm not in a major rush - I just want to find the right thing for me for the future, I need a challenge where I can be happy and fulfilled.

Yesterday evening I had a counseling session, basicaly we agreed I'm regressing slightly and seem to be in a slightly rebellious teenage type phase! My main objective right now is I don't want to comply with what I feel is expected of me - I want to have fun and do things I like when I want to...

In the main it was a good day for me, even the blood letting didn't hurt as much as usual! And my chat with Rachel really did help me - we even decided what I really need right now is a decent head, neck and shoulder masssage to try to relieve tension and stress. I have suggested this but haven't got too far yet!!

ANother Good Day!!!

I've had another good day today - I hope nobody is too shocked! I've felt positive all day and got alot of work done without feeling washed out, under threat or over pressurised - which for me is what a good day feels like!

Dinner went well tonight, I just need some inspiration for tomorrow as I know it needs to involve chicken but the how is slightly beyond me right now!

I think I'm going to shut up now - not really in a typing mood...

Planning ahead

It has been a tough day at work today... Maybe it was having certain people there who weren't in the office yesterday. I was feeling really on edge and worried, which left me feeling really anxious and uptight. I was decidedly jumpy all afternoon and as a result I ended up pushing mself far to hard and I probably over did things a little and as a result I'm feeling totally exhausted.

One good thing is I have only one more day in there this week... Thursday is a trip to neurology to try to get my headache sorted and than Friday is my last therapy session. From being far something I was sure would be of no help to me at all I am really going to miss it. I'll admit after the first session my overwhelming thought was 'I'm not that ill' but now I've moved on, I like talking to people who have experienced or are experiencing that same things I am, and are happy to discuss how they dealt or coped with their feelings in differing circumstances. This is a sharing experience I am going to miss hugely once it's all finished, I like and need my security blanket.

One positive step this week is I'm off to an employment agency on Thursday. The changes at work probably won't have any effect until the end of next year...but I don't want to hang around with all the rumours etc - I think I'm ready for a fresh, new start to move forwards and start forgetting big time.

Some good news...

I was supposed to be having a blood test this morning but I managed to lose all my veins upon arrival at the surgery! I sugested we did a simple finger prick glucose test to se how high my level was... thankfully the nurse agreed rather than spending some time digging into my arm to find the red stuff! The result...4.6 which I believe is deemed acceptable so that is on thing I no longer need to waste time worrying about!

Work when I got there was actually rather good... I got a fair amount done without any stress or hassle. To be honest I felt good, far better that I have done for some considerable time. A good feeling for once and I didn't cry on the way in or on the way home - a huge advance on the last few weeks and a massive relief for me as I don't have to try to pull myself together either on arrival at work or as I drive home.

I was thinking back over the weekend today whilst I was having lunch and there was something about Saturday that left me feeling really good about both myself and the world! I have no idea exactly what it was so I don't know how to repeat it - but I'll carry on trying until i work out what it was!

Dungeness 18th July

I intended to write this yesterday but I sort of ran out of energy and desire to type anything...sorry.

I know I didn't climb the lighthouse but in my defence my legs have been a little wobbly over the last week and I don't handle failing at anything to well at the moment so I decided it was far easier on me not to put myself in that position and I would be perfectly fine!

On the drive to the lighthouse I had all sorts of problem s finding it! I saw water towers and the Wind Farm...it was only when we saw the Power Station that I finally picked it out! Whilst driving we became rather aware how windy it was, but when we parked and I tried to open the car door it became extremely obvious how strong the wind was. And I hadnt tied my hair back so I was soon aware it was going to be an 'ouch' day as I could feel it teing itself in knots within the first few seconds!

I managed to get a 'before' picture (including on with Dave facing the wrong way - maybe poised to make a run for the stairs!) and then tried to find a seat out of the wind! My original intention was going to be to yell abuse once the lunatics had scaled the Lighthouse, but with the strength of the wind I doubt I could have made myself heard form the ground. Not that a mere fact of height and windspeed stopped the Lunatics from making themselves heard!!

This was basically a Bat preparing for flight. I'm grateful he changed his mind but also intrigued whether he would have made a dent in the ground as if didn't feel damp or soft to me!

Once the Bat returned to terra firma it was decided lunch was required so we retired the The Britannia Inn where they seemed unable to cope with small people...but she has very organised parents who had a large car with all possible equipment that cuold be needed stored in it! The food was good, although I'm not sure it was cod rather than whale fillet from the sheer size of the portion!

After lunch it seemed sensible to stop off at the LIfeboat station...it would have been rude to simply drive past and to be honest it brought back good memeories of family trips to Cromer when I was litle and visiting the life boats both on ahore and at the end of the pier. This is one charity I always feel the need to support as without them so many people would die at sea. Which feels so wrong to me as historically we are a sea going nation...


Yesterday was a great day for me, we got out, the weather was wonderful and I was with some really fantastic friends. It wasn't an expensive day out but it was totally enjoyable for me and I felt wonderful all day. What more can I ask for?

Can you buy Sleep on Ebay???

We had a fantastic storm last night. Normally I love watching storms but last night all I really wanted to do was sleep... and with all the flashing and banging outside that wasn't going to happen. I also dragged myself up far earlier than I needed to as all I as doing was looking at the ceiling (note to me, must make it more interesting)

First thing to do today was group therapy....with a group of me! Actually it was nice to have all the atention on me and it helped to talk through stuff as it ocurred to me, rather than trying to fit my thoughts into and around someone elses...

One thing I really need to work on is my memory, I totally forgot I was going to blog about the cars parked outside the primary school near our house... these were a selection of both black and white stretch Limos plus a white stretch Hummer... the kids were only ;eaving primary school so why did they need those. Keeping up with the Joneses is getting really out of control now, If I was lucky at my version of a primary school I walked home the short way!

Those cars were so big I would have thought they could have packed all the leavers into 1 rather than hiring 4... or it could have been 5!

A bit of a dip

I was home earlier today as I was sent by work to go and see an Occupational Health Dr who took one look at me and I burst into tears! I like the Dr ( for once) and he is concerned I'm at work and that it probably isn't doing me any benefit being there...in fact he said receiving any criticism will knock me even further backwards and really won't do me any good.

My immediate reaction is to prove him wrong and kep working...but on the other hand I don't know or see why I should work hard for a company that really doesn't seem to care what I do for them?

But a positive thought is I'm not back there until Monday, and I have to act a personal photographer for the 'Great Lighthouse Challenge' on Saturday - I think maybe a before and after shot should be good...!

Supposedly I should be seeing my counsellor this evening but she called earlier and has a bad case of flu - hopefully nothing to do with pigs! She feels it isn't fair to see anyone while se feels so bad and I'm in total agreement. We did have a quick chat so I filled her in with my latest news - and we've rescheduled for next Thursday, I'm looking forward to chatting to her again - she has a wonderful ability to make me feel much better and not so mad/insane. I just wish my family and people who know mecould understand a little of what I'm going through - I'd like them to realise how scared I feel most of the time. I really don't like the world I'm trapped in at the moment.

Quiet day

This stupid site has just lost everything I typed...I know Andy keeps telling me to write in Word to start with but I really could not be bothered, and now I've already forgotten what I was rabbiting on about!! Can't have been earth shatteringly important!!

On thing I did mention is my headache is back in full flow...probably due to the thought of returning to work tomorrow. If I'm honest I'm trying hard not to think about it, but I did go ou earlier to buy cakes for my birthday last week. They may make the return to work easier for me and cheer everyone else there a little

Garden Shakespeare!!!

We've just had a cultural evening watching the Merchant of Venice in the gardens of Godinton House. Thankfully the rain held off for most of the performance except for the last 30 minutes...At which point I hid under my umbrella and blanket whilst Andy shivered and didn't understand the language I think!

It is a long time since I last saw this play and I really enjoyed this, Shylock was portrayed as Alan Sugar and there were references to the credit crunch and too much reliance on Money and the Banks/money lenders causing most of the problems of the 'normal' people! There was also an Ozzy Osbourne clone yelling for Sharon at one point, he was also dragging a bucket of KFC round in his shopping trolley...and his son (Goddo) was amazingly camp and really hilarious! Even Andy managed the odd chuckle!

There were loads of people there with picnics - 1 set had a huge table absolutely groaning under loads of food and bottles of wine, plus a hoard of kids who were sat on blankets at the front - but had a complete inablility to stay in one place for any length for time, but thankfully they were quieter than their parents! They just kept braying at each other through most of the play...

Friday...

Well I've made it to the end of this week - at one point I didn't think I would as I was so down, but there weren't enough of my painkillers left to do any real damage so that idea was out and I'm to much of a coward to inflict real pain on myself and I like Bob to much to cause any damage to him. So basically the world has conspired against me to ensure there is no easy way out for me!

Therapy this morning was really good! Again there were only 2 of us but I think I prefer that in a way...plus Josie and I really have the chance to talk about how we feel rather than the more dominant characters in the group who do tend to drown both of us out! I know I've said this before but I'm almost worried that I only have 2 weeks left - but apparently there is a plan to follow the group up if we feel we need it. As I'm starting to rely on it as a type of scurity blanket that really makes me feel better. I'm back at work on Monday but I still have therapy on Friday to aim at and get me through what is already building up in my head as a tough week...

Could someone please tell me what is happening to the driving standards around here...I've lost count of the total idiots I've seen recently and especially the morons who seem to just want to change the shape Bob was designed to have!

Day 3

I made some positive moves today...I called 3 agencies and got my CV registered with them. It isn't a great time to job hunt apparently as it is summer but at least I'm working on moving on - on my terms rather than someone elses!!

I also have a new hair colour...still based on blonde but with a couple of darker shades mixed through it! According to Andy it reminded him of Kristy McNichol, whoever she is/was! But he also says he likes it which I hope can only be a good thing!

This morning was another appointment at Elwick Road. Apparently the main reason was to discharge me, but following thins weeks news that has been put on hold and I'm back there in a months time for another follow up! It is a good place to talk without worrying about being judged or anything along those lines.

Day 2

Well Day 2 has started...I guess things are starting to sink in but no more news yet. I'm angry it was communicated to everyone in the company at once via e-mail...that doesn't really fit in with their attempts to be upright and honest or humble....their so important core values. I've been trying really hard not to burst into tears too often today but at times it has jsut been to tough and I've given in. I wasn't feeling strong enough to fight my emotions at all today and to be honest I really didn't want to push myself to much.

I'm seeing my nurse tomorrow morning at 9.00....silly time so I'll have to get through rush hour in Ashford. I haven't seen her for a while and I know I'm not as well as I was a few weeks ago, and that was without work throwing a curve ball at me. Dad is now hunting for a new career for me... I think the latest idea is a school photograher or a forensic invesigator for motor claims - no idea why he's pointing me back towards insurance but it was a job I enjoyed and the previously known may well be good for me right now rather than the totally unknown which can leave me nervous and anxious.

One good thing, I now have some emotions to feed back to Friday's therapy session. I really wish I had more sessions left. I really need them now, I feel safe and secure there.

Birthday or not...

Well it arrived and it has been pretty good - until I checked my work e-mail which was a bloody stupid idea. All finance operations are being centralised in Belfast...first Galsgow had it in for me and now the Irish have...not sure when we are being closed but it's another wait that won't do me any good at all

Poor Andy got woken fairly early as I was worried Gizmo hadn't appeared up stairs to yell for food. I went down and he wasn't in the house and didn't appear when I stuck my head out of the back door and yelled... He did appear when Andy went down and gave him one of my posh cans of tuna though! Andy gave me some gorgeous earrings and a silver and pearl necklace I love :)
We went over to my parents for lunch and they have given me another gorgeous necklace and a digital SLR book, and my sister etc gave me a Johm Barrowman book, a Wii game, a CD and a happy pig book (very cute).

We all went to The Pippin in Maidstone for Lunch and I manged to eat far too much but it was delicious. A Chicken & Bacon Club sandwich with salad and a bowl of chips was too much for me (I needed Batty) and then a chocolate Brownie with Ice Cream which everyone had to help me finish!

This evening we have a house full and I have a wonderful Chocolate cake waiting for it... I just hope there is enough left for me to have breakfast!

The night before...

Unfortunately I haven't managed to get the 7th July banned so it appears I am going to have to have yet another birthday tomorrow... Mind you my mother was sure I was 40 next year so I guess it isn't quite as bad as I first thought!



Today has been slightly stressed as poor old Gizmo isn't well. He threw up before Andy went to work and then carried on during the morning until I threw him out (into a down pour so I felt really guilty) He came back once it stopped raining bone dry so I guess he hid somewhere! He's now on a chicken diet but really not himself so I'm still worried about the old boy... I know I moan about him but I also know how devastated Andy will be when anything happens to him.

The dreaded day has started early...my mother in law thought it was today! One day is bad enough, I really don't need 2 birthdays! I wonder if I could sleep through the 7th without anyone noticing....

How do I catch a cold during a heatwave??

I have managed to catch a cold from somewhere during our ongoing heatwave... It has mixed wonderfully well with my existing headache to make my head feel even closer to eplosion point...this really isn't fun in the slightest.

If I'm honest the cold is not helping my mental state. I feel so shattered doing anything is taking far more effort than is was even yesterday. I would quite happily sleep around the clock at the moment - I'm ready to shut down for a week and to let the world got on hapily without my input as I really feel the world doesn't need that.

Previously I felt it made sense to buy shares in Kleenex since I was crying so much - now I need shares as my nose is in over drive... give me a couple of days and I'll be all set to pose for a photo for our Christmas card this year... if I can find some antlers!

Today has been rather quiet, which I have enjoyed as I never feel that sociable when I have a cold, at least I've managed to avoid upsetting anyone I like and care about. Which for me is important, I really don't enjoy being in a bad mood or upsetting people. At least I don't like it at the moment, heaven only knows how I could feel in a weeks time! But for now I'm working on protecting me and looing after me as I guess I am the most important person for me!

Independance Day

Technically we have no reason at all to celebrate this... yet we currently have a large Stars and Stripes flying in the back garden as we were supposed to have a flag retreat at 5.00pm! It is now 5.30 and so far as I know the flag is doing just fine out there! It has now retreated to somewhere but no retreat was sounded so far as I heard!

It has been warm today rather than as hot and sticky as it has been so far this week - although in my head it stil doesn't feel as cool and refreshing as I'd like, but I imagine I won't get that sort of weather for a while yet! But I can wish/dream and remember previous comfortable summers...But I do remember in the past it always seemed to be sunny on my birthday - but still comfortable rather than me feeling as if I was being roasted - or is that the rose tinted glasses effect!?!?!!?

We went out to lunch today to meet the mad cycling brigade...they made it there before us but we had the advantage of air conditioning in the car!! Lunch was rather scrummy, a prawn baguette but not a few prawns a loads of sauce - you could actually taste the prawns and teh sauce was merely there to hold them together a little and the bread was wonderfully fresh and I enjoyed every bite! I think the ploughmans went down well - both stilton and prawn! All in all I feel it's safe to say the food was a success and the liquid lunch didn't seem to go to waste either! Accordin to the other half the diet coke wasn't great but my OJ and lemonade was great...could have done with a little ice but it was nice and refreshing!

Mood wise today has been really good - maybe the sun does help lift your spirits! I woke up feelingtired and the stupid headache is still thuding along nicely...after yesterdays fiasco with the blood pressure drugs I'm trying not to take too many of the painkillers as I am very aware they are addictive and that is a problem I don't want or need right now.

Cooler at long last

I woke up this morning to find that is had finally rained and was feeling much cooler...but by the time I headed over to therapy it was feeling decidedly sticky and was sunny with no further indication of any rain at all.

Therapy went quite well except for me losing my folder - I've just found it in the recycling box...so much for filing it somewhere safely!We started talking about CBT today which is something I'm due to do at some point - cogniative behaviour therapy (if that's how it's spelt)
It should help me learn how to adapt my 'normal' behaviour and reactions so they don't cause me further problems...well that's the very basic idea but it should help me to avoid panic in situations where I don't feel in control or safe...

I also had a trip to see my Dr regarding a repeat prescription. It turns out that for the last 3 weeks I've been taking above the recommended dose for one of my blood pressure tablets. I'm now back to the suggested recommended dose and I have to go back next week as my blood pressure had reduced a little and he wants to see how it is after a week at the amount I'm meant to take! I still don't have my personalized parking space at the Surgery but I'm working on it!

Today has been fairly uneventful...Tuesday is looming rather harge and if I'm honest I'm dreading it - I'm not ready to get older as I still feel I missed out on 2008 and I should only just be reaching 37...

Still far too hot!

Today was the hottest day so far this week I think...I went out in the car earlier and even when driving the temp was still up to 35 C. I want my typical English summer back, even if only for a day or 2! I'd like it to be fine on Tuesday as I get older again and that is always easier if it's sunny!

Mood wise today hasn't been too bad - it's been far more balanced than earlier in the week. I quite like not having the peaks and troughs, calm seas are much nicer than an ocean with a tidal swell! A few more days like this and I will be seriously happy and feeling that the light is back at the end of the tunnel..hopefully hitting 38 won't be as bad as I think it will be! I get to share my birthday as Tuesday is hapening at ours next week. I just hope I don't get sung to, I always end up beetroot coloured when that happens.

It's therapy again tomorrow, week 7 out of 10. Not sure what we're talking about but I just have a feeling I'm going to miss it once it has finished. It is really good to talk to people who have been through or are going through what I'm experiencing at the moment, I wish I could carry on meeting them just to chat once a week.

Stuff....

Google's about to have its second tenth birthday. In late August, Blogger will officially turn 10 years old. As our birthday draws near, we thought it would be interesting to share some fun facts about Blogger:
Every minute of every day, 270,000 words are written on Blogger
Millions of people worldwide use Blogger to publish to their blog each week
Almost two thirds of Blogger's traffic comes from outside North America (What's the #2 country after the U.S.? Brazil, followed by Turkey, Spain, Canada, and the U.K.)
The most popular sport for our bloggers? Soccer (that's football to the rest of the world), more than four times larger than the #2 sport, baseballWhile we're really excited about this milestone, we want the focus to be on you and the remarkable stories that you and millions of people around the world document on Blogger. After all, blogs are one of the true building blocks of the web, constantly updated not only with news and personal stories, but any kind of information you can imagine. Just this week, there's an Iranian student documenting the minute-by-minute proceedings in Iran, while a British woman is uploading nightly blog posts from her satellite phone while rowing solo from Hawaii to Australia, while an American college student is running from Amsterdam to Athens with nothing but the pack on his back. There are literally millions more.

Having been told that I should record how I feel I thought seeing as I'm feeling really pants (sorry Sue, I borrowed your phrase) I'd have a quick scribbling session on here - I'm not in the mood for writing on paper and then burning it so the laptop gets it...

I guess I got out of bed on the wrong side today -I meant to get up at about 7.00 so I keep a routine but I forgot to turn my alarm on so at 8.30 I dragged myself into Wednesday to find the TV was still on downstairs but there was no sign of husband, his case, laptop and work clothes were still here - he was the only one missing along with his car! I tried phoning...no reply so I sent a text off too for good measure, I was about to call his mother when he drove in (my mind was in serious problem stage and I had considered calling the hospital) It turned out he had a Dr appointment that I had totally forgotten. So panic over but it was a start to the day that I really don't want to repeat too often.

The heat is continuing and I am completely fed up with sun. no clouds and relentless heat. I did cool down a little last night when I was in the middle of Ashford but on returning to the house the heat was ack big time. The media isn't helping by continuously reporting that this is going to be the norm in the future long with droughts etc I want typical English summers back...the kind I'm used to, wearing loads of layers on the beach as it's so cold rather than to protect yourself from the dangerous rays....

Maybe it's the heat that is getting me so pissed off and once we get normal service in respect of the summer I'll be a happy bunny again.... maybe I'll have a nice daydream about that as I can't be bothered to make any lunch.