If you are looking for a new hobby or recreational activity, make sure it is a creative activity that you can pursue without spending yourself silly. You have some wonderfully creative aspects right now, but you are drawn to pricey, shiny things and that could cost a lot.

So it appears I need a new, creative yet cheap new hobby...everything I've considered trying in the past would be fairly expensive just to set up to start, I still have some cross stitch kits but I need a  lamp with a daylight bulb just to sort out and use the right colours... so any bright ideas, please let me know!!

Mikey and I have had a pretty good week so far (OK, I know it's only Tuesday!) But today has been totally tantrum free and Mikey has been quite adorable. And he has only redecorated the tree a couple of times and he is starting to put things back on the tree... We are still having fun getting him to eat though. On Sunday we went to my Sisters for Christmas Lunch (as they are heading Stateside at the end of this week) and Mikey really was not in an eating mood, stupidly I tried to push a bit and he simply grabbed a wine glass and threw it on the tiled floor! It didn't bounce...thankfully it was an Ikea special rather then crystal or anything like that.

Job hunting is really getting me down now...I'm still angry that I got the system at my last place of employment working so well. I did exactly what they wanted but not with the American Ledger as they simply didn't let me get my hands on it. If I had been given the chance to work on it I could have got that sorted and the overdue debt into a much more manageable state and kept a job I enjoyed. Instead I am now getting the 'You would get bored, you're over qualified and we're not even going to bother replying other than to tell you that you have not been successful at this time' It is getting extremely disheartening and I have no idea what to do right now (other than curl up in bed and cry, hoping the world will leave me alone) 

I'm also not feeling ready for Christmas yet, usually by now I'm feeling excited and looking forward to the 'big day' but I'm not feeling anything at all. I've tried watching Christmas films, listening to Christmas Music but nothing seems to be working. Maybe I'm trying too hard as this is the first Christmas Mikey has really been getting involved in, I doubt he'll remember this but I want it to be perfect for him... He is going to have to come food shopping with me on Thursday, this is when I'm going to hope that the lack of tantrums continues!! Provided I actually manage to find a parking space there of course... I had done the shopping on line, but I can't us nectar points there and having been saving them up I'd prefer to use them towards the Christmas food! I'm also nipping into Waitrose as they sent me a voucher to use with my 'My Waitrose' card - right now I'm taking all the help I'm sent!

Mikey has been getting really engrossed in the Early Learning Centre catalogue! He gets totally over excited and he ends up jumping up and down like a total lunatic, usually on my foot so there is a good chance I'll be on crutches by the time we get to Christmas...if I am they are going to get decorated!!! But he's only mastered jumping recently so takes every opportunity he can to demonstrate!!! I'm still trying to sell some of his younger aged toys, but getting nowhere fast...maybe I'll send them to the next NCT sale...but from what I've heard we are going to need quite a bit of space for everything that Father Christmas will deliver on the night of the 24th!!

Mid December Blues

I am feeling a tad down right now and I'm having a bit of an issue picking up the Christmas 'Buzz' But we do now have a tree (which I really missed last year) and Mikey is having a lovely time trying to blow the lights out! And as we have twinkly lights he thinks he's managed it on many occasions!! He has now lost interest in removing decorations and tinsel, much to Andy's relief!!

We tried to sort of kick start Christmas on Sunday and were planning on taking Mikey to Bybrook Barn to visit Father Christmas. Inside the centre it was very christmassy but there was no sign of the big man. I found an assistant who told me he was outside. As we walked to the door there was a sign to the 'Santa Fe land train' as we walked out it arrived as was a small tractor disguised as a train engine with a small coach with visitors and Captain Hook inside. At this point Mikey freaked out, there was no point trying to get him onto the train so we walked down the side of a rather haphazard looking shed. As we walked past a door back into the centre Mikey pushed me inside and told me clearly 'Not Now' so we left! I really don't want him to be scared of Father Christmas and miss out on the tradition of leaving a mince pie and carrot out on Christmas Eve. I did it for years and I'd like him to follow suit. We have now booked him into Dobbies for next Friday to visit the Big Man there with Mummy and Daddy, hopefully they don't have a noisy train!!

It has also been fun recently with Mikey hitting the 'terrible twos' in a big way! Last week we had a major melt down just because Daddy left the Outlet Centre without him (we'd met him there to go round Hamleys) and at the moment simply saying no to him has the same effect. We also got it a few times today when a programme finished before he was ready for it to end. Personally I am losing the will to live with an endless rotation of Thomas and Friends, Fireman Sam and Roary the Racing Car. I am also keeping all presents well hidden at the moment as I'm not sure he could resist them since he has now learnt how to open presents, whoever they are really for!

My sister has now moved into her dream house, I've only seen the estate agents photos so far but apparently it is big enough for Mikey to drive his car around the ground floor... everyone had better protect their ankles as  I'm not sure how in control of the vehicle he is so far...

Toddler Mood Swings

http://siplumb.wordpress.com/2012/12/02/25/

Just read this and it was scary how much I could identify with it...Right now I'm working hard to keep upbeat and positive, mainly for Mikey's sake if I'm honest - he is a wonderful reason most of the time that keeps me going.

I was doing well until this evening. I had arranged with Andy to meet him at the outlet centre so we could take Mikey to Hamley's to see if we could find anything else for Christmas for him. When I picked him up he had a mini tantrum as I tried to get him into the car, which was calmed down by telling him we were going to meet Daddy - although as we arrived he was asking for Nanny and Grandad!! He wasn't impressed that I put him in his pushchair but cheered u as he saw Daddy and he had a good look around (The Weeble Yellow School Bus certainly grabbed his attention) But as time went on he lost interest and started screaming so I made a hasty exit as the screaming volume and intensity was increasing far too quickly. Daddy walked part of the way back to my car but as he left the volume went up even more and as I tried to get him out of the chair he went crazy, screaming and Kicking whilst refusing to bend to fit into his chair. Once I had almost got him in he threw himself sideways to fall out of the chair and found he can just about stand up straight on the back seat. When I went to the other side he moved to stand in the middle and when I tried to touch him screamed even more.

Eventually I convinced him that if he let me put him in his chair we could get home and then he'd see Daddy again. As I tried to get him into his seat again he did the rigid thing again and started screaming for help. At this point an older woman walked back to her car which was parked nose to nose with mine. At this point he decided that he needed to breath so I heard her comment to her companions that I must be a terrible mother as I couldn't even get my child into his car seat. I was nearly in tears by this point and Mikey again threw himself out of his seat and returned to his position in the middle of the back seat and told me he wasn't using his seat. At this point I got into the car and calmly explained that Mummy is not allowed to drive the car if he isn't in his seat.  Eventually he agreed to let me strap him in safely and we arrived home to find he'd dropped the thing with the most importance to him...his dummy, lucky for him Daddy went out and found it. And he did eventually say sorry and give me a hug - but he also said sorry to Daddy...guess I know now where my  place is in his list of priorities...certainly below his dummy.

Endings...and beginnings

My horoscope today:

You need to stretch out and relax today. Don't let your work-related worries or a family problem get under your skin. You may find that a little time alone with some good music and some comfort food could work wonders on your mood and sense of wellness.

So all I need is to put my feet up, decide what is good music for today and find some comfort food...Might just charge up my i-pod and stick it on shuffle and I'm sure there must be a comfort food stash somewhere in the house - if there isn't the tub of celebrations may not last much longer!!

Poor Mikey still has a streaming cold and a cough. Last night he was having so much trouble breathing it sounded like whooping cough, but he has had 3 lots of immunisation so far and is due the last one next October. NHS Direct really calmed me down last night, I'd been calm upstairs with Andy, but only really relaxed once I'd read that he is protected. Why couldn't he have got chicken pox so all I need to do is stop him scratching!!!

We've also had day 1 of the new Advent Calendar, Mikey did have one last year, but this year it is altogether more exciting!! This has arrived courtesy of Nanny and Grandad and is a large stocking with 24 pockets on the front and a candy cane to move each day. Mikey had his treat for today, thoroughly enjoyed his chocolate and then asked for the next one!! In his defence Grandad had a magic pocket yesterday that produced a lindt chocolate bear and a kinder bar (like the one he had this morning) so my small pig seemed to think he would get more than one a day!! But I'm sure he will soon work it out and Christmas will become more exciting for him as he does!! We have still to go and see Father Christmas although he did get a letter from the top man this morning - apparently he is about the same height as the elves at the moment! Mikey wasn't to sure what to make of this, and I'm not sure Father Christmas will understand him when he gets going! I know Andy and I don't and end up trying to make the best guess with the odd word we do understand!!

One thing we do know is no presents an go under the tree until Christmas Eve as Mikey has worked out the tearing wrapping paper off is a great occupation, but he doesn't care who they are actually for!! So Santa can't make any early deliveries this year as Mikey can't read labels yet...

Yesterday was a rather strange end to my time at CSL...as Mikey was so poorly I stayed at home with him and then had a diabetes eye test in the afternoon. Not exactly fun as they dilate your pupils with some stuff which stings so far as I'm concerned. 2 photos are taken of each eye - and usually it takes more than 4 attempts for get photos of my eyeballs as my blink reflex is pretty fast. But the technician yesterday threatened to tape my eyes open so I managed to slow my blink down! But after 4 photos she was happy and I was allowed to leave, much to my relief and with a horrible headache which carried on all of yesterday evening, but does seem to have vanished mostly today thank goodness - although my legs doesn't seem to want to do what I want today and the family curse of painful knees has returned again - but I'm leaving the operations and platelet infusions to Nicky and the replacements to Mum!! So my exit from CSL happened on Wednesday with me dashing home just after 3 as Mikey was not a well little boy - and he is the most important person in my life now.

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Looking forward

I am trying really hard to be positive right now...The main up type thoughts are, 1) I get to spend more time with Mikey 2) I won't have a 60 mile round trip drive every day 3) I won't be spending anything like as much on Petrol and 4) I can try to find a job nearer home so I will hopefully see more of Mikey when I go back to work. I can be truthful and say I'm not going to miss the drive, especially in the dark as it really isn't helping to reduce my headaches and the lights coming towards me on country lanes make me feel really dizzy...

So far I have applied for over 40 jobs (to be honest I don't think it's too bad for 1 week) but they are pretty much all over Kent and some I think will end up in London...that is something I'd rather avoid. I know the salaries are higher and 5 years ago I did consider it...but my priorities are slightly different now so while I still have the option to make a choice that is what I'm doing - so London is a no right now...(I'm female so I reserve the right to change my mind!)

I have an appointment at an agency in Maidstone next week, they are the people who got me the job at Norfolkline so I'm slightly apprehensive about going there, but they have been advertising credit control jobs in Ashford which would be perfect for me...so I'll go in with my new positive attitude and smile sweetly to convince them my CV should be sent to the employer as soon as possible! Right now I don't have enough to do so a job that will keep me busy is exactly what I need/want! If I'm doing a job I prefer to keep busy all the time, if I get bored my mind tends to wander and then I can get into mischief (what chance does Mikey stand with a mother like me???) But I'm sure Mikey won't mind if I leave him with Nanny and Grandad for a while...

This evening on my way home I need to stop at our local primary school as they are having an evening for prospective parents... I know mine is only 2 and a half but I really want him to go to this school as it has a good reputation and good results...plus we live opposite it and Debbie could continue to have him before and after school so he gets continuity which I feel is important, even if he is picking up a Scottish accent! I think I can express and interest in the school soon - but my main reason for going is to find if they have a pre-school class as I think that will do him good - especially as he is an only child and currently the only one with Debbie during the day. He needs to learn to socialise etc before it's too late.

When is this year over?

This is not a good week... but at least it should now start to improve, I don't even want to think how it could get any worse. Basically as of next Friday I am out of work. It is now anything I've done or not done, but all down to economics and a large pink elephant in the States (Sorry, private joke between Mikey and me) I'm more at the angry stage right now, they wanted a credit control system - they now have one and the UK outstanding is healthier than it has ever been before...

But I know what I've done is good and the system works provided someone puts the work in...and I can't see that happening. But if they don't work it then it will collapse...and getting me back to sort it out would cost them a whole lot more than they are paying right now.

Sorry, short post, but I'm shattered and have done a fair bit of crying today

A step into an unknown place....

Yesterday, as well as using me as a mummy mattress, which he hasn't done for ages, Mikey announced he needed a wee and wanted his potty! I was slightly flabbergasted and went into a minor panic mode while I looked frantically for his potty and tried to get him within my reach! We explained (for me, calmly) that he needed to pull his trousers down and take off his nappy. Unluckily he seemed to find this concept rather unwelcome and once we had stripped him down to the necessary, he gingerly sat, or hovered, over the potty and screamed! At this point we decided that retreat was our best option and found a new nappy and pulled his trousers back up. At which point he triumphantly sat happily on the potty!

I mentioned this 'experience' to Debbie today and she (having been through this before) decided that she would sit him on a potty each time she changed him. I did warn her about the screams as I like her and don't want her to decide that she is only taking school age children! I have received a text this morning advising he will only sit on the potty with his trousers on (again). Maybe this is going to take longer than I thought and I have a feeling it will also involve lots of laundry! But I also think it may be time to get some pull ups rather than 'normal' nappies so he can get used to everything involved with the process - and the standing up part is down to his father to teach him - after all I have no knowledge or experience of it!!

At the moment I'm trying to convince myself I'm feeling better. I was off work last week with a virus (for once I was happy with the diagnosis as it meant no more antibiotics!) I started to feel better last Friday and had a chat with a Dr (as usual no chance of an appointment) and was given some stuff to help reduce the symptoms. Yesterday I was feeling OK until I got to work and realised my glasses were 30 miles away in Ashford! So there was plenty squinting etc and I got through the day. This morning was different. I woke up feeling decidedly queasy, if I didn't know it was impossible I would have gone down the morning sickness route. I made it to work somehow (I have no real recollection of coming off the M20 and getting here!) and decided to sit quietly until I felt better and the world stopped spinning around me. That didn't happen very quickly but I did make it to the bathroom before the spinning took real effect. I guess I can see now why breakfast might have been a good idea rather than using stomach acid. After I'd cleaned up I grabbed a glass of water and wobbled back to my desk - I have now discovered that Tic Tacs are a great pick you up and help your mouth feel a whole lot fresher! Those little green and orange ovals kept me going this morning! At this point I decided to just get stuck into something and try to ignore the feeling that I was going to fall off my chair and the pains in my left side (whomever was stabbing a voodoo doll of me, please stop - it hurts!) at least kept me awake while I shivered. If this is a virus it really should be cultured and would soon bring most disputes to an end very quickly - provided they find a way to make it go away! At the moment I'm trying the cup a soup and sandwich cure! And my follow that up with the Kitkat I've been carrying around for a while! Actually, thinking about it I may well have the cure...Andy and I were both ill at the start of last week but Mikey has been fine...wasn't that how penicillin was discovered??? Or maybe his formula milk may have previously unknown protective qualities!!!

Been a long slog....

It has been a stressful few weeks, Mikey has been throwing up on a pretty regular basis and I got fed up being told by Dr after Dr that he has a virus. At the end of October it was almost a daily occurrence and my poor little boy was losing weight. It was really bad on Tuesday night an we ended up taking him to see the emergency Dr at the hospital (and as per usual, by the time we got there Mikey was full of beans and bouncing off the walls!) We had a bit of a wait to see the Dr, who did apologise for that which was rather unusual for any visit there I've made before, and he determined Mikey was (at midnight) perfectly OK, but there is an underlying problem that needs to be investigated. So Tuesday morning I'm on the phone to our GP and the receptionist made sure we got a morning appointment. Mikey and I arrive to be told...he has a virus. He didn't even weigh him and basically told me I was being a neurotic mother and wasting their time and I was told to take him home as he was tired (well he had been up until about 1am throwing up etc)

For one I did as I was told, but to say I was getting fed up was a considerable understatement. I ended up calling and asking for a 2nd opinion. I was told by the receptionist that they had an appointment in the afternoon, but I would only be told the same as the 1st Dr in the morning. I took M back to the surgery and by now he was bored and annoyed at being woken up and threw a massive tantrum, laying on the floor and screaming until he went purple. Thankfully one of the assistants appeared from the pharmacy with a chupa chups lolly and he stopped screaming and calmed down and ate his lolly. By now I'm falling apart and Kirsty calmed me down too - sometimes a hug is a magical thing, I know I simply don't get enough of them. We saw the second Dr very soon after and he decided that the sticky boy has gastric reflux and there is some medicine that sometimes helps...he eventually decided to prescribe this after yelling at me for a while (I think that is just his mannerism, but I felt even more useless and small) For some reason he prescribed 15ml of the liquid with a 3 times a day dose of 3ml. It didn't take long to run out of the medicine and when we die, the vomiting was back. As anyone who knows me would realise I was rather annoyed. We had been instructed to keep a food diary for 3 weeks, but the medicine lasted less that 2 days and then he was being sick again. I ended up getting to talk to a Dr who expressed his displeasure that I had asked for a 2nd opinion and that the 1st Dr was probably right and it is a virus...I have no idea how I managed to keep calm and not tell him what I thought at that moment, but he is my little boy and I have known him intimately since he was about 18 weeks old - if anyone is going to know when he is ill and has a problem surely his mother will over a Dr who checks his eyes and ears and doesn't even bother to weigh him. I eventually got more medicine prescribed but with no advice on how to manage this or what the net steps might be.

My next stage was to get an appointment with the senior partner...Andy came with me as I wanted some support this time, but all he did was read the notes, look at Mikey's throat as he is still not eating properly and prescribe more medicine...That was it, still no advice on how this is to be managed, Mikey had stopped being sick, but then again he has stopped eating.I feel at my wits end, Mikey looks perfectly happy, but he hasn't put any of the weight he lost back on. I have lost al faith in the surgery Mikey and I are registered with and am now doing my best to get both of us moved somewhere else. I am usually very proud of having the NHS to look after me and my family - they saved the life of both Mikey and I, but if I can't trust my Dr it is time for me to move somewhere else. They have proved me right again this weekend but messing up my repeat prescription which has left me coming off the drugs which control my migraines cold turkey...The Dr I saw for a medication review recently told me I should not do this as it could be dangerous, but I had no choice and was accused of lying when I phoned this morning to complain. I still don't have my medication sorted and there is no way I want to ever speak to the staff or go in there again.I don't trust them to look after my health and certainly not the health of my son...it took a very long time to get him and the pregnancy journey was far from smooth so I'm not willing to take ANY risks over his wellbeing. The emergency Dr at the start of all this says he needs to be referred back to paediatrics and have this problem investigated so I waited for the months they messed around re my headaches, but now I WANT MY SON REFERRED AND A CURE FOUND.

So I guess this is a watch this space type scenario for now...

This seasons new look....

The last few weeks haven't been too muchh fun, poor Mikey keeps being sick. This started back at the end of August and over the last 2-3 weeks has been getting worse. It started off at night, usually when he was in bed which leads to a stressed Daddy trying to change the bedding while Mummy tries to calm Mikey down. But in the last few weeks he has switched to throwing up at odd times during the day and night...mostly while sat on Mummy's lap so this seasons new look is most definitely vomit!

My main occupation right now is battling with Drs. The GP's at our surgery are pretty useless. When I was ill they were great, and also while I was pregnant they were really good - the receptionist was great at getting me prescriptions done within 15 minutes when I ran out of stuff (which happened a lot thanks to baby brain) but now they have a new management team in and I am totally unimpressed. The reception staff have improved (one today told me I'd be better off taking Mikey to A&E) but the Drs...that is a whole different story. So far as I can see we no longer have a female Dr (so I am totally unimpressed) and the ones they do have seem extremely unimpressive. We took Mikey to see an emergency GP last week who told me to take him to the GP on Wednesday and ask them to refer him back to paediatrics. I did this, the 1st Dr we saw basically told me I was over reacting and to just go away. He checked Mikey's ears and throat but didn't bother to weigh him and told me it was a virus and he didn't look malnourished. I was so angry that I then demanded a second opinion, when I took him back Mikey was not at all impressed and had the mother of all screaming tantrums in the waiting area. The reception staff  brought him water, but Kirsty from the Pharmacy prodcued a lolly which stopped him very quickly and then tried to calm me down as I was crying and i a bit of a state. The 2nd GP told me it is probably Gastric Reflux and gave me some medicine to stop the vomiting and Gaviscon. The medicine seems to help - but we only got 5 doses and it was to be taken 3 times a day before food... It did seem to work, but Saturday night Mummy got covered again and yesterday it was Nanny's turn. This really does seem to be a look for the females in my family... Mikey has decided that infant Gaviscon is horrible and has refused to take it

As I am now probably as fed up with this as Mikey is, I dropped him at Debbie's this morning and charged to work to ring the Surgery. It took a while to get through and the receptionist took some details and said the Dr would call me back. (this is before 9 this morning) By 1.30 I hadn't heard anything so I called them back and after being on hold for about 15 minutes got through and was told his name was still on the list! But if I was worried to take him to A&E... By this stage I'd gone past worry to furious and panic. The Dr called me back just before 2 and obviously hadn't bothered to read the notes on Mikey's records so I went through everything again, and I know full well he didn't listen to me. His first question was why had I seen 2 Drs on one day last week, so I told him that I wasn't happy with the Dr I'd seen int he morning so I had seen another in the afternoon. At which point I was told that he agreed with the 1st diagnosis that is it a virus. At this point there was a mushroom cloud over Yalding. I calmly explained that this virus had been going on since August and I was not happy with what has been done. So he is leaving another prescription for this medicine and also a bottle for a stool sample... They seem to have forgotten about the urine sample they wanted last week. I am trying to calm down but it is not really happening right now. I know they see 100's of people every week, but all I care about is my little boy and I want him to get the best care I can find. I feel a move to another surgery coming on as I no longer trust the one both Mikey and I are with. And if I can't trust my Dr how do I trust he is doing the best thing for me? I may well be a neurotic mother, but at least I care. Right n ow Mikey is the most important thing in the world to me and I will do whatever is needed to protect him and get him back to the Mikey I know and love,

Tempus Fugit

Been a tough few weeks really, last week Mikey got signed off by the consultant he has been seeing for the last year...and his heart was well checked and no problems apparent! That is a real weight off my shoulders that has been there since the 20 week scan and also the day after he was born and was whisked into SCBU. Just 1 more consultant to see now who has been checking his development as I know there were concerns that his first week could cause problems...but I don't think he has any, he is happily doing everything at his own pace and in his own time!

The rest of last week wasn't anywhere near as good... On Wednesday some kind child tried to take a chunk out of Mikey's arm,,,the bruise is still fading, and my bank called me to let me know some kind person had cloned my card and had tried to put over £470 plus lots of little expenses at an American hotel through! Lloyd's kindly cancelled it and sent me a new card which arrived yesterday, it made life interesting as the only way I would get cash was over the counter in  the bank...Yalding doesn't have a Lloyds TSB!!!

Thursday was a real mixture...my cold got worse and British Gas messed up our heating. But on the plus side Mikey got a new audience and really played to them! If he gets to much trouble I may well stick him on a plane to Chicago so Sue an play with him again! Or failing that I'll drop him off at Donna's! I love the way he happily settles down with people he doesn't really know - but following what happened to April Jones part of me wants to make sure he doesn't instantly trust every adult he sees as he does now...

Friday was British Gas trying to sort out the previous days mess...it sounds as though they didn't need to do much and got it restarted quickly... so my stress and bad mood the day before was all for nothing!!

I paid for my previous stress on Friday...I hardly slept on Thursday night and I honestly have no idea how I got to work! But there are no major dents so I got home OK as well! Saturday I started aching and it carried on to Sunday. But at least Downton distracted me for a little while. Monday morning was not good and I started throwing up - at one point I couldn't even keep water down. Andy got me a couple of bottles of lucozade and I switched to not eating mode. Today I've stopped being sick but there are still plenty of dashes to the bathroom :( I am shattered and dizzy - mainly from not eating I think as my blood sugar today was far too low...but I'm sure today's bottles of lucozade will soon sort that out! There has been a massive breakthrough...my toast has stayed put!!!

But in the meantime I can't believe how fast this year is flying past...only 76 days to Christmas and I have done precisely nothing and made no plans for anything at all! Oh well, maybe I will worry about that next month!

S.A.D. Here I come

We've had a pretty good weekend...Mikey certainly thought so! We headed to Broadstairs again as Mikey is of the opinion that the place is wonderful and Grandad is happy to splash around in the sea with him - what more can a 2 year old ask for!?!?! We got there around lunch time so quickly fed the small sand monster who quickly demolished his fish fingers and Ketchup before we had a salmon roll and headed for the beach. This showed the true advantage of pushchairs as the mat and blanket + towels and a bucket and Spade were quickly stored underneath the seat and we rolled off down the hill! Our spot was quickly staked and Mikey was off. Thankfully this time he did remember to take his shoes off at least but in his first return trip to demolish a sandcastle or two he was a tad damp (he had tried to sit down but Grandad wouldn't let him!) While demolition was in progress Grandad filled the bucket and buried it in the sand so it couldn't be picked up...this led to a fair amount of splashing and wobbling stood on one leg while he tried to de-sand each foot...he seemed to have plenty of sandy feet so this took some time and then Grandad started dropping pebbles etc in from a great height to even more splashing occurred! This appeared to be greeted as the best game ever and the shorts were soon totally drenched and sand covered whilst sand was shovelled into the water too.

At this point I gave up and removed the shorts and Nappy so we at least stood a chance of keeping that dry for the trip home! Not sure M was too keen to start with but soon was heading back to the sea with Grandad in tow! Plus eyeing up the boats which were heading out and the surf school who seemed to be having a wonderful time...I wonder what age I can sign him up for that??? The weather was wonderful, a light breeze so the temperature was perfect for me at least! Once it did start to get cooler we extracted Mikey from the sand and rinsed him off as well as we could, stuck his nappy back on and then wrapped him in a towel and stuck him back in his pushchair. He seemed to find this rather strange yet amusing - I am never going to understand the way this child thinks!

Once back at the house he had a shower...I think the screams would have been heard the other side of the UK! Demolished some biscuits (savoury and sweet!) and ran around like a lunatic, occasionally stopping if Disney Junior caught his eye! At 6 we tried to do the calming down ting with his milk and cuddles, but he wasn't having any of it and even when he went to bed he was protesting that he wasn't tired!

Saturday evening was spent at the Tartar Frigate for dinner... I though it was going to be a typical pub type dining room...but there were crisp white table clothes, napkins and gleaming silver...very civilised and very impressive - the boy did well choosing there! Having already had a glass of wine before we left I sort of stuck to that with a spritzer, Andy had Coke!! I think he was a tad perturbed by the lack of butter with the bread, but soon got the hang of the oil and vinegar! My starter was a Seafood Chowder...delicious but about 3 times as much as I needed! It had prawns, salmon, white fish and I think mussels in it along with potatoes, bacon and onions and Garlic toast on the side along with a pot of pink stuff and 2 unpeeled prawns (which Any had) In Florida I had only ever had a cup of Clam Chowder - far smaller than the small ocean I was given - I think the waitress was worried I didn't like it as there was no way I could finish it and also my main course! Andy had smoked salmon...again with unpeeled prawns but he seemed to be enjoying ripping them apart!

My main course was slow roast pork, on a bed of apple mash with a cream mustard sauce and crackling... The crackling was fantastic, the apple mash is going to lead to some experiments at home and the mustard sauce was subtle enough to not overpower the pork...which fell apart as you cut it and was moist and tender. Andy had steak and I was allowed a taste - wonderful. I wasn't so generous as I was enjoying mine far too much. I looked at the desserts going to other tables - they looked amazing but there was no way I could eat one and I was enjoying the flavours I had already had to much to add any more to the mix! I was slightly grateful for the walk back up the hill...but as I was wearing heels I was trailing way behind Andy!

I have got a load of photos of the beach...will upload some soon!

Driving home yesterday was no fun...sometimes you could almost see the car in front through the spray, but not often. Today is as bad, if not worse and strong winds are predicted for this afternoon. As I am picking Mikey up I am not going to be driving along my usual narrow, tree lined route, instead I'm heading straight for the motor way and up the A229! Hopefully avoiding as many trees as possible! I'm just fed up that is hasn't really got light yet...I have a feeling Saturday was it, the sun will be back next Spring. Getting up this morning it wasn't light enough for me to kick into get up mode, Mikey was fine and busy singing whilst I staggered to the bath room!

End of Summer

As the kids (except for certain small persons) have gone back to school, summer appears to have returned! I have discovered that sat at my desk with the window open provides a lovely sunny aspect and a most refreshing breeze. Which is a good thing as we really are in the middle of nowhere! One of my routes home involves wing mirrors being folded in to enable me to drive as close the the hedgerows as possible as the local, 'normal' people just stick to the middle of the road and seem to think if they go fast enough they will miss you! One large black scrape on my nice white wing mirror disproved this theory, but good old Dad cam to the rescue and polished it out for me and now I can't find it! The amount of dead bugs on my car also are good at hiding any scratches I pick up during my communion with various hedges!

Mikey has a new craze at the moment....He has discovered the fun you can have with Alphabet Flash Cards. Once you work out it is close to bed time you clamber (or rock climb) onto Mummy's lap and request 'Cards' which buys you an extra few minutes before Daddy insists it is bedtime (Mummy doesn't cook dinner until all toddlers are in bed!) The pictures on the cards are, on the whole, pretty obvious...Mikey adores them as B=Bus, at the moment his joint favourite vehicle along with Tractors! If you drive anywhere with my child you have to be prepared for shouts of joy every time he sees a bus! The big problem we are having at the moment is animal classification...In this set C=Cow... or in our house Goat! As does M=Mouse, also Goat, but we are fine with G=Goat, we get that right every time! For some reason last night R=Rabbit was just Miaow and P=Panda is met with a blank stare! It appears that the animal kingdom is now classified as Goat, Cat and Fish. If he can't fit a picture into any of those 3 it doesn't exist!

I blame his grandfather who have never told either of his grandsons the correct name for any animal! And also is of the opinion that when compared to Chemistry and Physics, Biology is not a real science! Which is probably why I often got sent for walks during biology lessons as I was so good at fainting during them...But I enjoyed both Chemistry and Physics and managed to pass O'Levels in both! But I did get extra revision tuition for both, usually when Moonlighting was on so my knowledge was strangely combined with Bruce Willis and Cybil Shepherd! But History was even stranger - the industrial Revolution was revised to Wagner! So singing in my head did bring dates etc back, but luckily nobody ever heard me doing it! My physics knowledge now is pretty much limited to the water at the bottom of ponds that are frozen often staying at 4c so fish can survive if the depth is right...but I have no clue how deep etc it must be - I can just image the diagram I drew 24 years ago...I can also remember one of Puck's speeches from 'A Midsummer Nights Dream' as we have to learn quotes and passages I think I got it into every essay I ever wrote! A-Level was easier, they let us take the texts in with us(which seeing as we read Chaucer in the original English was very helpful)!! But I do find it odd that after 24 years and everything my poor brain has been put through I still remember that line , but I don't remember my wedding...

Right now I have no idea what we are going to get up to this weekend...so far this week Mikey has been to Brockhill where he got amazingly dirty and found what is possibly the best slide in the world...I'm not sure how I can compete and beat that! We may go into town and try to find some different flash cards as I'm sure he is just learning the one's he has now and I'd like to work on a few more things and names with him. I am going to get him speaking English rather than Mikey... We are still awaiting his follow up speech therapy appointment and I would love to take him back and show them just what we have achieved without their help! I need to prove I am a good Mum to them and to myself I suppose. His recent bug has made me question myself a bit, although quite how I can protect him from whatever he had is beyond me! Plus I know I'm biased, but I think my little one is clever and I want to prove that to other people too. We had a bit of a delayed start when he was born, and it has taken a while to get walking sorted out, but now we are ready to start plotting world domination, I'm sure he will start recruiting to his cause soon enough!

Downward Spiral

I will apologise now for this entry...but  I am getting more and more depressed. All around me I can see other people's lives moving on whilst mine just feels stagnant and totally isolated. On the plus side I am still enjoying work - but part of me is scared that if I throw myself into this the way I did at the start in Norfolkline. And as that ended up with 5+ weeks in hospital plus a major bout of depression plus a feeling of really being hated and bullied I do tend to try to pull back a little - but also as I do enjoy the job I am inching further into probably doing too much. But today all I have done is check my e-mail to make sure a report I need from the USA has been sent, which thankfully has arrived so I will work through that on Monday rather than Sunday.

The last week has been rather worrying as Mikey has not seemed to get over whatever bug or virus he picked up. Thankfully he hasn't been sick since last Sunday - but to make sure he isn't sick he seems to have decided the best thing to do is to stop eating. Not good for your Mum when she is worried already worried and when you add in the target practice using toy cars, lorries and tractors as missiles against her as well. Yesterday he also lobbed a bus, cash register and spinning ball thing at me whilst have a fairly constant tantrum! I am really looking forward to '2' being over and seeing what '3' may bring...Only 10 months to go!!!

He is currently up stairs having a nap. I'm not sure if we are building up to another growth spurt, but he seems to need to have at least an hour nap every afternoon or if possible 2, 3 or on occasion 4!! It does mean that bedtime can be a struggle at times, even when you can see how tired he is and however much he rubs his eyes. All good fun I guess... and explaining why I am exhausted most of the time. Plus the drive to and from work can be fun... If I stay at CSL (as I'm really hoping I will) I would love to move back to West Kent...after all Andy works over there so between us we are driving 100 miles a day jut to get to and from work - which strikes me as crazy. Plus at least living that side of the county would mean I will feel less lonely and isolated which I do right now. But any mention of moving is ignored by Andy - plus to sell this house it will need a new kitchen at the very least and the thought of packing everything up does not exactly appeal to me as a fun thing to do. So I guess I'm stuck here. Maybe I need a new hobby where I can have some me time? I just have no idea what I want to do. I used to enjoy singing but the choir I joined down here after being ill didn't help me get the voice I had prior to 2008 back an to be honest I think I damaged it more. Other than that I have no idea...I just know I need to find something. I wish I was artistic - but Mikey can draw etc better than me at the age of 2.  So an suggestions would be really gratefully received.

September....

Sorry for yet another quiet period...

Work has been going well and I don't seem to have upset the States much recently!! The new system seems to be settling in well and they are a really nice bunch to work with. URS were also a nice bunch (mainly) but the prior working environment pre Mikey, was horrific.

The down side at the moment is poor old Mikey. We were at the coast the week before last and he was sick on the Tuesday and Sunday... then on Tuesday last week he was very upset and his temperature was really high. He wouldn't settle and kept going rigid - I was scared. As NHS Direct has a 4 hour waiting time we tried to call an ambulance (there was no way he was bending to fit in a car seat) but the controller didn't feel he was ill enough and sent us back the NHS Direct! Thankfully we got hold of a nurse quite quickly plus got some calpol into him, she advised we got him to a dr the following day, and as he had fallen asleep and stopped screaming, get him back to bed. I took Wednesday off work and for once my GP had an appointment available that morning. The Dr checked his temperature, ears, throat and chest and said he as fine and it was a virus (which by now had lasted a week and a half) He seemed much happier by the time we left and carried on for the rest of the week until we got to the weekend. On Saturday morning he was violently sick again and I was told to phone my GP again to get the emergency Dr number. Once I had spoken to them we were asked to take him in an hour later - the GP we had seen on Wednesday was on duty but left soon after we arrived, We ended up seeing a Dr from Andy's surgery who again went down the virus route. Again, by the time we got home he was full of life and seemed fine - but had a 4 hour nap as well!

Today we were off to my parents as it is Dad's birthday tomorrow, Mikey didn't eat much lunch but was full of life as he has had Jake to play with, who amazingly was fine coping with a cousin who is 10 years younger than him!!! He kept going all day and had a 15 minute nap on the way home. He took himself up to bed a little early, but by 7 the screaming started again and I resorted to calpol again...but within minutes he was violently sick again, all over his matress and the floor, plus himself. I stripped him off and replaced his PJ's while Andy changed his bottom sheet....a quick trip down stairs to settle him down and within 30 minutes he was fine and happy again.

I took him back up to bed and he was soon asleep again while I waited for Sainsburys to deliver. I can honestly say I am completely exhausted - I hope this week is not too taxing, I'm going back to work for a rest!!!

What happened to July?

I have been meaning to write, but work is simply too tiring! I love my job, but I seem to have alienated most of the USA so far!!

For my Birthday we headed down to the coast for the weekend! Broadstairs had mixed weather, we had to dash for shelter at one point after lunch as it is safe to say it was coming down in stair rods!!!

The seagull was not impressed, we sheltered and Mum, Dad and Andy had a coffee - Mikey had an ice cream, well he was at the seaside!! We had tried ice cream cones the evening before, Mikey wore most of his and then threw it at a large gull who happily flew off with it - not quite what my small person expected to happen, but I'm sure he has learnt not to throw food at seagulls now!

The most recent event has involved me getting decidedly bruised... I got a call from the assistant to one of my Neurologists on Tuesday. It appears I was supposed to have been called in for a blood test in May, it wasn't urgent but could I call her back asap! I called back the following morning and she asked if i could drop into the hospital. apparently there was something they were checking for but I didn't understand what she said and Google just assumed I wanted to know about Febreeze... I dropped in on my way home to pick up the forms to find they wanted the blood there and then! The first attempt failed and didn't even bleed when the needle was removed so there was a quick dash to the Richard Stevens ward for someone else to have a go, scarily the first nominee was a Dr, but thankfully a nurse was found!!! She also failed the first attempt so resorted to my right wrist. The blood flowed sluggishly (so much for the blood thinners) but all day Thursday you could almost see the bruise spreading. My wrist is now purple and black and stiff and I can't grip anything . The samples have been sent up to London for genetic testing and I am praying he has jumped to the wrong idea. I am being tested for Faybry's disease... If I have got it there is a 50% chance Mikey does as well and it will take 2 weeks for the results to come back for me and then he may get tested too. I hope the results are definitive as a kidney biopsy really doesn't appeal to me - unless they can knock me out first!!!

4 days done...

I've been back working for 4 days now and I love it! OK, so I get rather shattered by the end of the day, but hopefully that will change and improve!

I'm working in a village called Yalding on the outskirts of Maidstone. The journey there is pretty easy and once I'm out of Maidstone rather nice to look at! I made one mistake on my return journey... I thought I'd go home through Maidstone. I'd forgotten that the closure of Knightrider street for gas repairs was causing a few problems. The journey that took me 40 minutes there took 80 back. I'm not making that mistake again! The remaining 3 nights I went through Teston, on the first the level crossing was closed and I really don't like turning right out of there... but the Sat Nav and I are going to try a different route on Monday!

My new job is still credit control, but I have a posh new title! Group Credit Controller. And it appears the job profile/spec will be created as I go along! But I'm really enjoying it. The office I'm in only has  people, me, Jason (one of the Directors) and Tanje who is currently in Finland having a vacation!! The rest of finance is in an office on the other side of the building (all 5 of them!) But I'm quite chuffed with my first weeks result, and even more importantly that some of my long buried insurance knowledge seems to be coming back to me!

Whilst I'm busy re-programming some of the pathways in my brain Mikey has really got back into his old routine and is back with Debbie for 3 days a week and with various grandparents on the remaining 2 days. He has settled back into this routine easily and is loving it...which has really helped me as it was harder leaving him this time than it was last year. The only way I can justify the feeling to myself are that last year he was only 9 months old and wasn't so much 'Mikey' compared to the 2 year old small person who is fast making his likes and dislikes very clear!

The only other major news is I pick up my CPAP machine on thursday, this should stop me waking up so tired! The consultant likened it to running a marathon in your sleep. This is the closest I'll ever get to running a marathon and I am more than ready to retire from the sport! I hadn't realised sleep apnea is so dangerous! It isn't just snoring, your heart rate increases as does your blood pressure whilst your brain is going into panic mode as it isn't getting any oxygen! I have no idea how long I'm supposed to use this machine for, but my follow up appointment is next May!

The Eve....

Tomorrow I start my new job... It is safe to say that I'm nervous, but I also know I CAN DO THIS...So why on earth am I getting so wound up?

Today was my last weekday with Mikey for a while as we had a trip to the hospital to a 'Community Clinic'. Before we went I have no idea what this was for and was doing my usual thing of winding myself up! Mikey and I arrived about 10 minutes early, which I was impressed with as getting Mikey into the car and walking in the direction I want to go in can be a bit of a battle! We played in the waiting room for a while and then Mikey was weighed and measured. He's grown 2 cm and has put on 700 g so is nicely sticking on his percentile line. I guess I should also stop worrying about him not eating enough, the days he doesn't eat are usually made up for on the days he is in dustbin mode! What actually happened this morning was a development review...mainly I think because the consultant we saw about his lack of interest in walking was horrified that Mikey didn't know the parts of his body. But today's 'tests' were a walk in the park for my lovely boy! His current development level is 22 months which everyone is quite happy about as he is only just 2 (plus he hasn't read the book which tells him what he should know by now!) All in all I am now a proud and happy Mum...we must be getting something right!

This weekend has been another first...Mikey's first trip to the beach - including building and destroying sandcastles and trying paddling for the first time, whilst holding tightly onto Grandad's hand! It is safe to say he loved it, and rather than getting scared when the waves got a little larger and splashed him more Mikey was all set to go deeper! I think next time we may need an extending dog lead to try to keep track of him! I'm also threatening to buy the neon coloured sun block so he'll stand out!! But it's safe to say at the moment our son has no fear and is not getting a lilo or dinghy as I think if he does he'll head for France!!

We've also discovered that our son is following in his mothers footsteps with his love of chocolate! This face was the result of a very small piece of cake! I'm not quite sure how he gets this messy, but I have seen him hugging a piece of cake quite tightly so I'd really not suggest getting between him and his cake! Unless you have a desire to wear chocolate frosting!!

On that note I'm going to finish... I need to decide what I'm going to wear tomorrow and really go into full blown panic mode (but I'd better feed Andy before I do!!)

The day after 'THE BIRTHDAY'

Yesterday was Mikey's second birthday...Our garden which used to look a nice size is now way too small thanks to the recent addition of the slide which now has a small trampoline and playhouse to keep it company! Meanwhile inside the toys are undertaking a bid for world domination with the help of their new owner who seems to feel they should be spread out as much as is possible by a toddler!

I would like to point out that nobody else pulled a face like that when they tasted my cake!

The morning started with a quick trip to Folkestone Hospital to see a thoracic consultant. I have no idea why I had to go there (Andy thought at first I was being sent to Brighton, he only works for the NHS) but it is now official, I am causing the damage showing up in my brain myself, but there is a 'cure' I will shortly have a CPAP machine which will stop my throat closing up, my blood pressure rising and my heart going into overdrive! I should also not get as hot in bed (I've no idea what she has heard about me!!) The biggest advantage as far as I'm concerned is I should now start to wake up feeling more refreshed... I can't remember the last time that happened!

On our return Mikey had to go and inspect his house... I think we will need to get him a chair and/or table etc to keep in there, I can't really insist Andy sleeps out there as it has very large windows and only a half door so it could get drafty... Plus I'm not sure Mikey is willing to share it with anyone, he didn't look happy when Daddy crawled in. I have to admit I laughed and watching him come out was even funnier!

I think Mikey has really noticed that things are changing, he's suddenly much more welcoming when I try to cuddle him and does let me comfort him if things don't work the way he thinks they should. I am going to miss my little man when I go back to work, but in return he is going to have a happier, more sane mother and   I am very aware how much he loves being with Debbie, and how much she has helped him become the little boy Andy and I have now. Plus with the advent of the terrible twos I'm not going to miss his tantrums!

730 days ago...

Things have changed around here a little over the last week or so... The main thing is I have  a job! I had an interview a couple of Fridays ago, I thought it was just a preliminary interview which would be followed up with a second, more structured, skills testing type of thing! I have an interview on the following Tuesday with Marley in Lenham, this also felt like it had gone well. I wasn't sure when I'd hear about the first interview as I was aware they had other people to see, but I knew the Lenham job wanted to move quickly. I ended up hearing about both last Wednesday! I didn't get the Lenham job...it was the usual excuse I've heard twice recently, that the job isn't challenging enough and I was over qualified. The Agency said they think my interviewer had decided I was after her job!! But I did get the Friday job!!! What is even better is the company was created through a type of management buy out from a previous company I worked for until 2007! And I can say, hand on heart, I had a wonderful time there and met some really great people... I start there on  the 26th and I'm a mix of excited and nervous now!

But before I get ready to immerse myself back into the world of work we have the small matter of a birthday to celebrate tomorrow...It has led to a period of reflection for me... The tiny scrap of humanity that I gave birth to 730 days ago has now grown considerably! Today he has also discovered the joy that a snail can bring to a small boy! Thankfully he has yet to try and eat one, but on this afternoons showing it won't take long! He was trying for quite a while to stick his finger into a shell and scoop the inhabitant out! He eventually gave up on that game and dropped them all into a flooded flower pot, he seemed to feel this was fair as they had dared to climb up his slide! The photo was lunchtime today...he has also discovered the joys of tomato ketchup (thankfully the reduced salt & sugar version!) and prefers to enjoy his sauce with the occasional side of chicken or fish... we also added fromage frais to the mix before he retired upstairs for a short nap before we headed outside to do some serious playing and snail torturing! I told Andy recently that I was really going to miss him (Mikey) when I start work... after this week I'm more than aware that Debbie earns every penny we pay her!! And to think I even considered training as a Child minder... I do have some pretty daft ideas at times!

Jubilee Weekend

Well the Jubilee weekend has commenced... and the warm/hot sunny weather has vanished and the rain has arrived! Well, what would we expect over a long bank holiday weekend!

This last week has not been that much fun to be honest. After the sleep test on Monday I had a CT scan on Tuesday. Apparently the consultant had decreed that contrast was needed so the hunt was on the find a vein in my arm! The nurse was very kind and tried not to hurt me too much and thankfully didn't tell me to expect a 'sharp scratch' But it went into my left arm eventually and the saline was cold as it was flushed through. Next stop was the scanner itself... I much prefer these to MRI, the noise isn't as nasty and they are no where near as claustrophobic as the MRI feels to me. The contrast was soon attached and it is the strangest feeling! It made me feel as though my skin was burning... I don't remember it feeling like that before. The cannula also left a lovely bruise....Maybe I should have told them about the blood thinning stuff I now take!?!?!

My CT was followed by a Diabetes review. Thankfully last weeks blood tests came back more or less OK. My kidney function has worsened slightly so the sample I had actually remembered to take with me was dip tested and ....SURPRISE!!!...I have yet another kidney infection. So it as another load of strong antibiotics. They actually have made me feel worse for the last 3 days but all done now and hopefully they have sorted it all out!

The rest of this week was mostly taken up with the garden! Andy's Dad was already chopping stuff down when I got home from the Dr. and Thursday brought Martin as well! We now have a new fencepost that doesn't wobble and it is proposed that tomorrow will bring a refitted gate which will stop a small person escaping so easily!!! I can't wait as right now getting Mikey into the car is always a challenge involving several circuits of the car park, or further and more if I don't catch him!!

A testing week

If I'm honest I'm really not looking forward to this week... Tonight I have to sleep wearing a monitor as I'm being tested for possible sleep apnea. I'm not holding out much hope as when I talked to the nurse who was explaining how to fit all the various to me and the monitor she pointed out that the condition isn't known for causing what they are theoretically testing for and that Stroke Consultants are well know for guessing and sounding extremely confident about their guess! But he was a very nice consultant so I'll wear all the gubbins and then have to do an early morning dash back to the hospital to return the stuff so it can be analysed, I have no idea if/when I'll get told what is discovered.

I did have a nice surprise when Mikey and I arrived at lunchtime. As usual there were no spaces in any shade left so I parked where I had lots of room to open the door for easy toddler extraction and return. I went to get my ticket but the machine refused to accept my £1 coin...OK, next idea was to pay using my mobile!! 1 minor problem... I have not yet worked out how to use the keypad whilst using the phone to make a call so I was unable to punch in the identifying number they wanted! By now my stress levels were on the way up so Mikey and I went to have a chat with the Parking Team. I had no other cash with me at all, but seeing as I was only dashing in quickly they kindly wrote me a permit to leave on my dashboard at no charge (I have a feeling Mikey was doing the big brown eyes and the blond curl thing which may have helped!!)

I was out of the hospital within 15 minutes including a stop at the shop to buy a bottle of coke as I was roasting! Then it was a quick dash home to get Mikey fed... but we had to stop off and do a circuit of the garden and a couple of trips down his new slide!

The photo was over the weekend... the grass wasn't that colour when Andy mowed it on Friday, but it really has been hot and we've had a distinct lack of rain over the last few days! The slide was being given away by a neighbour, Mikey doesn't care it isn't brand new, he just enjoys sliding and yelling WEEEEEE At the top of his voice! We have discovered that he seems to feel his swing is too small now, getting him into it can be a challenge now! But he also likes swinging high, which the swing we have is not designed to do... maybe next birthday the fairies will bring one!! This year they are more into bouncing!!

It is hard to believe that he is now nearly 2... My latest plan is to record as much of important events that have happened in his lifetime as I can. We've got the fireworks from both of the New Years Eve celebrations he's been around for, the final shuttle launch, the Troop muster for the Diamond Jubilee,  the arrival of the Olympic flame and I'm looking for some keepsake for both the Jubilee and the Olympics. I imagine I will copy the opening and closing ceremonies as well... The chances of him remembering things that happen when he's only 2 are slim, so I'll make sure he can look back at things that are important and have happened during his lifetime. Any other ideas will be gratefully received!

Sunday Blues....

This weekend has not been exactly great... I seem to be building up my cold and feeling very congested and fed up. Getting to sleep last night took ages and sleep was decidedly not restful, I feel shattered and every joint aches. My head is pounding and I have the joy of a blood test tomorrow morning to look forward to followed by yet another row with my GP reception as all I want is an appointment to talk to a Dr and the bulldogs won't let me have one. If they tell me again to phone at 8am for an emergency appointment I will probably scream. I simply want to talk to my GP about the blood thinners that I am supposed to take for the rest of my like to protect me from any further stokes...exactly what I want as I would like to see  my little boy grow up. If I can't get an appointment I'm intending to demand to see the practice manager before I officially complain to the PCT.

I'm not being helped by the flashbacks to 4 years ago happening more and more frequently, I just want to curl up and cry until the world goes away and leaves me alone. I'm also fed up with people who I thought were friends making assumptions about me that are NEVER going to happen, what I need are friends to offer some kind of support to me whilst I work through all this and to not make judgements about me and how I feel. There is so much happening in the UK this year... I just want to be in a place where I can enjoy it with my little family without other people trying to but in.

Emotions....

I know that when I am ill I get very emotional! Last night I was watching Glee and ended up in tears for no real reason.This evening I have watched The Firefly or Speedbird 2012 land and deliver the Olympic Flame from Greece to the UK. I can honestly say I am now feeling decidedly patriotic and also proud to be British... Not only do we have the Games only 70 days away now but we also have the Diamond Jubilee happening, something that last happened over 100 years ago. I'm actually now very aware of wanting to collect things that Mikey can look back on and think 'this happened in my lifetime', As he isn't even 2 yet the chances of him remembering any of this years happenings are slim! We have recorded the landing of the last Space Shuttle for him and this evening I recorded the flames arrival and tomorrow, if I can distract him from the Disney Channel, he is going to see the start of the torch relay.

One thing that is really getting me down is the feeling of isolation that is really getting to me daily... I adore my son but having a conversation with him is rather difficult, it means that spending every day with him and doing the same thing over and over again is starting to drive me slowly insane. I don't think the seemingly endless rounds of job hunting is starting to drag me down. All I want is a job that I can do... I've done the ambition thing and now I want to sort out my work/life balance and spend time with my family rather than in an office... who do I need to beg to in order to get a job???

My seasons appear to be confuzzled!

I an feeling decidedly fed up right now as through the day today my throat has felt more and more painful... It is almost getting to the stage where swallowing is painful so thankfully Andy has gone on an throat saving run to buy ice cream.

In my mind I really didn't expect to be getting this in May!! I had expected spring to have well and truly sprung. Instead it appears to have regressed back to winter. Today Mum's Taxi was at work taking Mikey to a speech and language Assessment. It seemed to go well, he is being referred for some help but hopefully by the time that appointment comes through he won't need it! The theory is of the better safe than sorry kind in this instance

Andy has done well...I am now demolishing a new Ben & Jerry's core ice cream, it feels wonderful on my throat so I'm a much happier bunny now :)

Job hunting has chaned a little now... I am now signed up with 2 Temp Agencies. The Salaries are far lower than I was previously earning, but I need a job with some income as I don't qualify for any benefits. Taking time off to have a baby means you don't pay any NI so you don't get any assistance when you are out of work. As I'm married and my husband works that also stops any tax credits if you are honest about his income. If I was an imigrant sinlgr mother I'd have money thrown at me. But since I am a married mother who has paid over 20 years of NI payments I don't get a penny. I hate being out of work, but it really doesn't strike me as exactly fair....

Update...sorry it's taken so long

Things have change a lot his year. I finished work on 9th March as my contract ended and I'm now trying to be a Mum and failing miserably at it.

Mikey is now growing fast and is mostly walking, except when he wants to get anywhere fast and he resorts to his high speed crawl or walking on his knees! I seem to have mastered most types of nappy changing protocols...even the vertical change when he insists on standing up and not helping in the slightest! I am also applying for every job I can find but I@m now fed up with the feedback. I've now been told twice that I interview really well but the job isn't 'challenging' enough for me. There is one good reason why I haven't applied for management roles (well actually 2) I now have very different priorities and want to try and find that elusive work/life balance (the other is that there simply aren't any management roles around that my experience qualifies me to apply for!)

The other major change in my lovely little sporty black car has gone...I have a feeling it had been sold before I agreed to the deal the dealership offered but I now have a bigger, less powerful car which is white - or in my case dirty grey/black and brown! But is does make life easier getting a small person into his seat in the back - mainly as I don't have to get in to strap him in!!

Speaking of small people, he is currently watching TV and taking his trousers off! I have asked why and he appears to have not heard me... I so need a female cat to try and redress the balance in the house!! He is now talking to me but all he will say is Debbie so it doesn't tell me much about the desire to remove trousers! He's also stomping on my feet which hurts if I'm honest! I have no idea what his current weight is but I may find out on Monday as he has a hospital appointment with his consultant to check how his walking is progressing...so cue loads of crawling and knee walking!!!

I think it is now time for a trip upstairs for a nap, he is now trying to pull my screen further back than it is designed to go and 'No' is not a word he appears to understand today. And having had over an hour of constant screaming this morning I really don't need him to start again.....

Sorry....

This Christmas was pretty quiet...my darling son passed his cold onto Daddy and I - And Mummy had to go one better and end up with Bronchitis! My first trip to my GP ended up with me being told to just inhale steam, I tried to tell him that I simply can't do that - but he didn't want to know. I went into the pharmacy to collect my repeat prescription and was told that I wasn't the first patient that day he'd told to do that! That was Monday, I was back there on Thursday to be told I should have been on antibiotics since Monday... Great! So I was only 4 days behind trying to beat this thing! Andy and I spent most of the festive season surrounded by tissues and trying to to keep ourselves going whilst Mikey was fine and pretty much ran riot! He has discovered that his Fisher Price Garage makes a good climbing frame and the cars etc he got for Christmas make great missiles!
He's also got a few puzzles but we are not yet at the stage where we want to put things in their 'homes' when it is more fun to cover the floor! He's also found out that as a nearly 2 year old throwing tantrums can be fun too....we've have the slamming feet on the floor and screaming if he doesn't get his way immediately...the next year or so could be fun I suppose! But he is still adorable when he puts his mind to it!
Today we had the first Mikey Masterpiece in colour, he was bought soem felt tips for Christmas but his cruel Mother felt that is was safer to try coloured pencils first, I make be a coward but I'm also trying to keep Daddy calm!
I have a feeling that we may have to buy a climbing frame and baby trampoline for his birthday, he can now climb onto the sofa and once he gets up there he just bounces and giggles! He'll even sit on the floor and try to bounce! Maybe once we've mastered walking we may need a trip to Margate in the summer if there are still trmpolines on the beach!
We're actually off the William Harvey Hospital next week to see a specialist about his walking -his left ankle seems to be too flexible and it could be that walking on it is simply painful so he has stuck to crawling, except when he wants to climb! We're both going with him, I can cope with most things but where Mikey is concerned I'd quite like some support with me!