and so the heat goes on

I know I really shouldn't moan about good weather...but I was not designed for this sort of heat. If anyone has ever wondered why I love Noway so much well there is a simple answer... it has a cool climate and in May there was still snow around! I would love to be sat in a pile of snow right now. Poor Old Gizmo really can't cope with the heat - right now I have no idea where he is but most of the time he is flaked out on the floor as stretched out as he can get while being blasted by the fan tower thing as much as possible!

This morning was hair washing time and I'm seriously tempted to do it again with cold water. It was nice leaving it to dry on it's own - no way was I using a hairdryer! The only downside is I now resemble the Wild Woman of the West as it has gone seriously frizzy and I have no intention of straightening it, even if tonight is my first night at Choir...it will probably simply get tied back and that's as far as it goes! If they are lucky I may even put some lipstick on!

One real downside in this heat is eating.. I'm really not in the mood to eat, I'd rather just pick at things that make and eat a 'proper' meal. the thought of cooking at the moment is exceedingly unappealing to say the least. I managed to last night but that was mainly a put it in a pan and hope session. I have no idea what I'll do tonight but I'm out at 7.00 so it may be a bit of toast of something along those lines... At least that is quick and easy!!

Heatwave.... Is all too much

I'm really not designed for hot weather...I got into my car this afternoon and it said it was 34 C... This is England - we don't do temperatures that high for days at a time and this is forecast to last for a while - I have a feeling I'll start melting and I'll need hugging like a candle to stop me turning into a puddle of wax!

I had my first appointment with my psychologist today. He was a really nice bloke and taked a whole load of sense... it turns out the damage done to my brain last year can take up to 5 years to heal and settle down and start to work in the way I want it too. WHilst I'm waiting for it to rewire itself I am going to be different to how I was (which for me means a whole lot more emotional) and explains why I have no self confidence and why I'm being far to harsh and critical with myself. He also said the brain is a paradoxical macine and the harder you try to avoid or control something the more likely it is to happen (again - me being emotional - the more I try to stop it the worse I get)

Looks like I'll get 10 sessions of one on one therapy and also CBT but there is a 6 month waiting list so it won't happen until 2010. But in the meantime he's sending me some web sites to look at that may well help me, I'm relieved he's outting everything in writing for me as I'm sure I've forgotten a load of what he said. One thing I do know is I'm going to avoid quicksand! He's also suggested I should record all my emotions etc in a journal... I'm not exactly sure here is the right place to do that..maybe pen and paper is better especially if I want to burn it afterwards

Tough week

It's safe to say this has not been a great week for me... I've mastered bursting into tears on a regular basis at work and got summoned for a chat and basically told to get signed off and have a break and relax..good to know someone noticed and cared!

I saw my GP on Friday and after I explained how I was feeling and what was happening he signed me off and asked me how long I wanted! I've taken 2 weeks or going back again will be even harder, plus that is what Rachel suggested at counselling last time I went. I'm being a huge coward and haven't told my family... they find it hard to accept mental illness and are still of the opinion that Im making myself ill and I should just pull myself together and I'll be fine and exactly how I was at the start of last year. It's more probable that I've been building up to this for years and being ill was the only way I gave in long enough for it to break through and me to even pay attention to how I was really feeling. Shame they don't read this as it is easier than trying to talk about it as that just makes me emotional and I start crying again. And I'm pretty much cried out so far.

But - one positive move, I have joined another choir in Ashford...apparenty the womn who runs it knows my father! But singing again is something I have really missed and I want to do again in some shape or form... I got so emotional just watching my old choir sing so I know I need to try this, hopefully they won't mind out of tune squealing!!!

Therapy ideas....

One of the suggestions from my thereapy is to write a daily blog/diary and get unwelcome and/or negative feelings out of my head and to then burn it to obtain closure and release from them...somehow I think there is a limited number of times where our insurance will pay out for a new latop if I burn this one!

We joined the mad cyclists for lunch the Tickled Trout today... My jacket potato and Tuna was delicious and Batty cleared up my tomatoes for me - another couple were there with their new Puppy...a Labradoodle called Tessa who Tina offered to puppysit whist they ate their lunch...

She was totally gorgeous and just made me want a dog even more. I remember during my time studying or my A-levels our dog was the one 'person' I could talk to about anything and everything. She would sit on my bed whilst I poured my heart out to her, usually with her head on one side, looking as if she understood every word I was saying.

I could really do with a dog to do that now - and as Batty put it, to provide unconditional love and affection. I really feel that a loving pet would help me get through this thing I'm fighting right now, I need the love without the questions that they cn give along with the companionship. Especially as it looks more and more unlikely I'll ever have a baby, I'll baby my dog instead and maybe it won't hurt as much as it does right now - I would settle for it being less painful as it is rather than feeling as though I'm constantly being stabbed in the back by life.

NOt sure what we're doing for the rest of today...I think I may have a quick afternoon nap - I am feeling totally exhausted most of the time at the moment. It would really help if I could get rid of this headache, but the next stage for me is a referral back to Neurology on 23rd July, thankfully in Ashford rather than Canterbury this time. I have a feeling there will be a delay as they will want my notes from Canterbury and I guess I'll have to refuse to have a Lumbar Puncture again...

Medical stuff again....

I was back at the Dr this morning for the results from my blood tests last week.... I hope everyone is sitting down as it turns out my blood is NORMAL which is a real first for me! My blood pressure is still far or high, hence my headache not vanishing yet so my medication has been upped and I've been given some nice strong painkillers to make me even more zombified every day! But at least the pain will finally go.... I've also been referred back to Neurology but thankfully in Adshford rather than Canterbury so I guess I'll have a new neurologist from the 23rd July....

I am hoping I'll have got rid of the headache before then and I imagine I'll simply be told they still need to experiment with the medication I'm on - I've been told that I'm already showing the side effects of one of them but they are in no rush to change it for me...my assumption is I'm on the cheap stuff and my side effects aren't considered serious enough to switch to the more expensive stuff... I'm not worth the extra money.

Fridays is Group therapy day and today there were only 2 of us! Not sure what happened to everyone else - but it was honestly tough for me. As we were finishing we were warned to look after ourselves this weekend as what we talked about may affect us more than we would expect it to... I'm already feeling decidedly wobbly so I really could do without another over emotional session but at times I simply can't control them and if I decide I want to cry I bloody well will...

Crying has been a bit of a theme this week, but I have obviously needed to do it and the images I've been getting in my head have just confirmed to me how far I have to go to beat this illness. My main aim at the moment is to get some people to accept I have an illness and I can't just 'snap out of it' If I could I would - why can't people realise how hurtful comments like that can be?

Is anyone out there....

I'm not having a great day right now.... It is easy to say I am getting stressed far too easily and I need to find a way of avoiding that. I need to thicken my skin I guess and learn to let things wash over me and to not react in the way I do. I'm fantastic at over reacting and I can get almost paranoid. Maybe my appointment with my new psychiatrist is exactly what I need at the moment - I'm getting far too close to just giving up and trying to just kep everyone else happy and simply let Heather vanish and disappear even more.

If I'm honest right now I just feel totally trapped, the more I fight the tighter the ropes that hold me seem to feel. To quote Mr Mercury 'I want to break free' but the only problem is I have no idea what I want to do next, only that I need something new and different to stop me sinking back into the mess that was my old life.

The stupid headache is still pounding away happily inside my skull and the site of the bloodtest is now a wonderful mis of bruise and blood under the skin. I just hope the results are back on Friday when I go the see the 4th Dr about this - he'd better come up with a solution that will stop the pounding of at least dull the pain so I don't keep wanting to drill a hole in my head to relieve the pressure.

Sorry, not a nice update, but I'm feling down and have decided not to keep trying to behave how other people expect and demand I do. If I'm feeling down there is more tha probably a reason for it and I will act/behave how I feel rather than try to be someone I'm not.

I think Blog hates me

It wouldn't let me log in.... I thought it would/should be straight forward!

Right now I'm still dealing with a 2 month old headache... I've had a 24 hour heart monitor on and yesterday I had blood tests done. The bruising from that is turning into some rather spectacular colours and I now have what is best described as a decidedly stiff wrist which is painful to move - I do wish it was easier to get blood out of my wonderful stone or lead based veins!

I'm off to see Carmen (the opera) tonight, My Mum is in the chorus and if I was still in the choir I would be too....although the fact I still can't sing may well have had a bearing on that!! I'm looking forward to it and I guess it will be a good way/time to look at the feelings I have as I would have loved to have been singing in it... I've got loads of tissues as I feel crying is extremely likely. Andy is also out tonight - to be honest I'm really not sure what he' s up to except it's due to finish at 4am! He'll never last that long!

Some of our neighbours are having a party today...last time they did it went on well into Sunday so the chances of sleeping are slim as I think it'll be far too hot to have the windows shut... But we are off to see the in-laws tomorow which should be nice and gets us both out of the house and away for a little while...time to bore them with photos from the cruise anyway!!!

07 June 2009

Been a challenging day today....it did make me wonder why I want a child when I spent an afternoon with 8 nine year old boys for my nephews birthday! I had forgotten how much noise they can make...it was deafening and not great with my wonderful continuing headache :(

My family wound me up too - I don't know how to explain to them the issues I have with how my mind works right now and how the events of last year are weighing on me right now...all I get told is that it's in the past and doesn't matter...Sorry, but to me at the moment it does and comments like that really hurt. I felt like bursting into tears there and then - but I couldn't do that to Jake.

I'm also missing my husband, he seems really distant to me right now and I need him...but not sure he needs me

First steps...

Seeing as Yahoo 360 are closing down I've decided to abandong the sinking ship... at least I have time to shift my existing entries over before 360 self combusts!