Friday, 21 January 2022

Thoughts

 My insomnia is simply not going away. I am exhausted and appear to be totally unable to turn my brain off at the time I should be dead to the world and giving myself time to recover from each day.

This weeks thoughts have been decidedly varied - Monday morning at 4am I decided that I need to learn how to tap dance...Lucky for Andy I let him continue snoring rather than thumping him awake and filling him in on my latest big idea! Due to our suspended floors I am going to need a large board on the patio to practise on so I don't bring the row of houses down....

Other thoughts have been that I really am not happy living here and all the things I hoped my life would include that can/will never happen for me. I am not happy living where so many people just want me to get on and die. I really wanted more than one child...the one I did manage to produce is, according to me, rather cute, so it appears making people is something I was quite good at.

I also hoped that, by now, I would have a dog as a companion. But I married a man scared of dogs who hates them and is adament that we will not have one. I have a feeling he is hoping I will soon be in a place where I will stop going on about this and leave him in peace. You would have thought he would know what I'm like after 20 years of marriage - but apparently keeping a happy wife is way down his list of priorities. I have even come up with sensible reasons, but they are still being ignored. I'm also fed up that the cats only ever attack/bite me - never him. He is the cat lover, but I'm the one with the scars.

Todays main achievement has been to yell at Amazon Customer Relations...One of the books I bought Andy for Christmas was also bought for him by his brother - I'm not sure how his relatives manage to remove so many things from wish lists without them deleting off... To avoid confusion, we returned the one I bought and Amazon decided it had been sent in addition to the order I made (Totally untrue) and when Andy returned it he was told no refund would be made. I decided I was in exactly the mood to take on the penis flying moron so did! The refund is now being processed along with a 5 pound credit on my account! I did make the bloke I was talking too laugh when I referred to objecting to funding a flying penis as Bezos' rocket really looks like one - he said he couldn't comment but could see where I was coming from!! I'm now exhausted and very tempted to go to bed in the hope I might pass out.

Yesterday I was in the woods - I can honestly say I can't remember ever being that cold! At one point people were almost sitting on the fire! But the atmosphere was great fun and we were all lovely and relaxed - even coping with the news that Karen and Mark are leaving. I hope they have a fantastic time going around the UK, and can't wait to see what ends up on Marks U tube channel! I think there is a chance we may all move into Jo's garden until the new groups - hopefully - receive funding and we can go back to the trees! In the meantime I am just going to try to absorb enough wood energy to keep me going...

Tuesday, 18 January 2022

Another Long night

 Last night was horrific yet again. Sleep was decidedly conspicuous by its absence. I think I finally fell asleep at about 5.30 am....my alarm then went off at 8.15, I moved to the bathroom. Andy then phoned me to make sure I was up in time for my ACC appointment at 9.20. I ended up pretending to be a helicopter as I was parked up next to the helipad due to the continuing building of the Nightingale Unit - which probably never be used as the infection rates appear to be falling and hospitalisations are dropping alongside that.  Heaven only knows how long it will take to remove this from the carpark...and in the meantime it is not looking as though my visits will reduce any time soon. My INR was 1.7 today, my target rate is 2.5 - 3.0 so I'm not really making that much progress at the moment so my doseage has been increased again. Hopefully I will not follow my usual pattern and shot right up again. If I do I have a horrible feeling that I'll be stuck back on the anticoagulant injections...the bruises have finally faded, but the horrible lumps and bumps are still hanging around and I can honestly say that I am the strangest shape now.

At the moment my fatigue levels are getting crazy, the lack of sleep combined with that is really not helping me achieve an acceptable of happy way of life. Right now I would be happy if it all ended as I just feel like a waste of time and space. If I could come up with a way to  get around it I would...I would love to get a semblence of normality back where I can stop treading on egg shells with myself to ensure I don't upset me.

My one aim at the moment is to try to convince Andy to let Mikey and me get a dog; this isn't just for me - I know how much having Pip helped me when I was at school....she gave me another being to talk to and confide in. That gorgeous girl knew so many secrets, I didn't have any close friends to confide in apart from her and she got me through the move from school to work and through the adjustment and dealing with the reaction from my parents that nothing I was doing was actually worth doing and that I had wasted my Uni place for nothing. Misty, my so called loving medi cat, decided last night that my foot had too much blood in it so decided to free some with her claws. That is usually Rorys trick, but she then used me as a climbing frame to try to apologise...needless to say it didn't work.

Monday, 17 January 2022

 Still trying to empty my head in an attempt to actually get a good nights sleep for once...

Last night just seemed to go on for ever. I just couldn't get comfortable and alternated between too hot and too cold. To say the bed felt lumpy is an understatement and I just cant seem to relax at sleep time. If this goes on much longer I am going to have to admit defeat and ask a Dr for help to knock me out so I can at least catch up on my deficit at some point!

One good thing I did achieve today was to finally order a new box of LFT Tests on line! At least I now don't have to sweet talk a pharmacist into handing over a box this time!

I also managed to get some wellies I can actually got on as well. In theory they are arriving tomorrow, but they turned up early evening instead;  I can get my feet round the bend - but once on they feel far too big and cold! Hopefully they won't get pulled off in the mud...and my socks will be warm enough!!

This week are meant to be cooking - but my brain just won't come up with any ideas for food to take...but then as I am living on soup and rolls at the moment food really is not a high priority at all. Eating is really feeling like a waste of time still...Most of the time, if I taste anything, it is bland and completely boring. If I add enough garlic or spice to add a flavour I can taste, most other people wouldn't want to touch it. I miss cooking and tasting to ensure it was good. if you can't taste something, how can you taste if the seasoning is balanced or adequate?

I'm also hoping my headache will do one sooner rather than hanging around much longer. I am crap at coping with pain and this has been going on since Christmas and I have had more than enough now. I am also bored of feeling sick so constantly; which when added to my total lack of taste is making ating even more difficult. 

Mikey has certainly been making his presence felt since he got home from school...I guess he has spent most of today being quiet so is making up for it now he is home and allowed to make noise. I love him dearly, but after I have spent an afternoon keeping silent so Andy can work in the peace he needs I really do not need World War 111 breaking out upstairs with Cheeky!! I guess I should just be pleased he feels so comfortable at home...but my head disagrees right now.

Friday, 14 January 2022

Hello Internet!

My laptop is still dead...Andy did contact a repair place before Christmas - but they obviously were not interested in any extra work at that time and have yet to respond in any way! As Mikey now has a laptop I have 'borrowed' his notebook that was originally obtained for his maths homework at Primary as it is not exactly in use at this time! The keyboard is not very responsive and my fingers are already aching!!

Secondary school still seems to be going well for Mikey - I'm more concerned that they let him have a weapon (hockey stick) although he really appears to be getting into the game. He just needs to learn to use the stick on the ball rather than his foot....

Today I am getting angry at snowflakes. Why is everyone looking for things to get upset over? Midget Gems are now Mini Gems so people who have a growth issue are not upset. Are we all getting so upset by words now? Aren't there many more things to get angry about in the world other than the name of sweets that I doubt that many people actually eat any more?

I am probably not helped by the fact I have given up Chocolate this month - prior warning, February 1st I will probably be extremely sick as I have a month of eating to catch up on!! But having said that - right now I'm not sure I actually want to eat any... Cadbury's will shortly be issuing a profit warning!

Yesterday meant I returned to the woods! The sun was out - but it was so cold and decidedly muddy! I have ordered wellies for next week! But being me they are spotty - I could never wear normal, boring wellies! I may well need more socks at this rate...borrowing any from Andy or Mikey really does not appeal! It was lovely and relaxing being back in the trees - I even did as I was told and avoided all sharp tools. If I'm honest I spent nost of the time near the fire shivering!!

Wednesday, 29 December 2021

Christmas completed

 I've survived Christmas! I'm impressed as my INR was up to 8.0 which meant I was at high risk of a serious bleed! It has also left me feeling even more exhausted than normal and I could happily sleep for England at the moment!!

The Amazon wish list fiasco of last year repeated again this year. I'm annoyed as I've got Andy things he wants and actually needs - but so have other people. But it's my gifts that get sent back rather than him telling his family they have messed up. I know I shouldn't react but yet again I've got it wrong...

Today we bribed Mikey with a trip to the Haribo shop so he was up in time for my hospital appointment! He came home with a few tubs and bags so we've hardly seen him today! Tomorrow it's a quick trip to M&S to get some nibbles for New Year's Eve. I am still being really good and avoiding alcohol...I really don't need anything else reacting with my medication right now. At the moment I'd just like a few quiet weeks as I know I need a full load of renal tests in about 7 weeks time. And I'm really hoping those results don't move so I can just keep trying to keep going on a level playing field.

Friday, 17 December 2021

Update

 I appear to have moved on from Covid! I now have a pulmonary embolism and am under the care of the Anticoagulant Clinic. I started off injecting an Anticoagulant drug every day but have now moved to warfarin. It has started to look as though I an unable to cope with this as I am feeling sick 24/7. I raised this with the senior nurse today and she is referring me to the consultant of the week in the hope I can be moved to a different drug and feel happier.

In the meantime my INR levels have shot up and I am covered in horrific bruises and lumps which don't ever seem to go down. Basically breathing is a challenge and I am an even stranger shape than normal which is really impacting the little body confidence I had left. Plus I keep catching the sore, painful bumps with my arms and this is not beneficial to my mood/state of mind. I have had enough and really need a break. Preferably on another planet...

I am still feeling incredibly lonely. Andy is still working from home and is allowed to yell at his laptop as much as he wants to. But I am meant to stay silent and not cause any type of distraction or noise. If I had enough energy I would go and steal a dog for some company as he is making it very obvious that I will never get one if my own. At least I could talk to a dog...and it wouldn't such me.

Wednesday, 29 April 2020

29 April 2020

I've been stuck at home since the 5th of April...I have now received letters from the NHS and my GP stating I should be shielding. This would mean Mikey sleeping in my bed and me moving into his room as a start, no physical contact with him at all (something that doesn't bother or worry Andy ) and in theory I should have no contact with any food etc that I'm not eating. I know it is to protect me, and I am grateful as 24 hours under Covid care was more than enough to terrify me.

The main downside of this lockdown is it gives me too much time to think...I just feel even more isolated and alone here. Nobody has checked up on me locally. I'm more aware that my death would actually be a major event and cause for a party. The only person locally who worries about me is Mikey, but I'm sure in the next year or so he will get over that fear and move on.

I am very aware of how isolated I am from my family. Due to social isolation and Mums age I have been good and stayed away. But it has only rubbed in how none involved I am inherently life. We are rapidly having less and less in common and there is nothing I can think of right now to improve/help resolve that. Most of the time when I call I feel that I am just being humoured and when I go away life carrie's on quite happily.

Mikey is struggling with his mental health, we did see Lenworth Clinic, but they have decided there is nothing they can do so have palmed us off to Early Help and have stuck us on a list for an Autism test...but that is a 2 year wait at least. Early years have already referred us to Crossroads who are happy that Mikey fits their criteria and should be calling me soon to talk about what they are able to offer. After all this I feel anything away from home and both of us will help him and he will get to meet more people his age who are also dealing with more than children their age should have to.