Wednesday, 29 April 2020

29 April 2020

I've been stuck at home since the 5th of April...I have now received letters from the NHS and my GP stating I should be shielding. This would mean Mikey sleeping in my bed and me moving into his room as a start, no physical contact with him at all (something that doesn't bother or worry Andy ) and in theory I should have no contact with any food etc that I'm not eating. I know it is to protect me, and I am grateful as 24 hours under Covid care was more than enough to terrify me.

The main downside of this lockdown is it gives me too much time to think...I just feel even more isolated and alone here. Nobody has checked up on me locally. I'm more aware that my death would actually be a major event and cause for a party. The only person locally who worries about me is Mikey, but I'm sure in the next year or so he will get over that fear and move on.

I am very aware of how isolated I am from my family. Due to social isolation and Mums age I have been good and stayed away. But it has only rubbed in how none involved I am inherently life. We are rapidly having less and less in common and there is nothing I can think of right now to improve/help resolve that. Most of the time when I call I feel that I am just being humoured and when I go away life carrie's on quite happily.

Mikey is struggling with his mental health, we did see Lenworth Clinic, but they have decided there is nothing they can do so have palmed us off to Early Help and have stuck us on a list for an Autism test...but that is a 2 year wait at least. Early years have already referred us to Crossroads who are happy that Mikey fits their criteria and should be calling me soon to talk about what they are able to offer. After all this I feel anything away from home and both of us will help him and he will get to meet more people his age who are also dealing with more than children their age should have to.

Wednesday, 23 August 2017

SAS - Summer And Survival

Mikey and I are still surviving the Summer Holidays!! We have pretty much finished uniform shopping (just shoes to go) and have thought about doing the tiny bit of homework...and put it off again!

We had a lovely 10 days in Broadstairs at the start of August - the weather was best desribed as mixed, but we managed to fit in a day at Dreamland, a trip to the RAF and Spitfire Museums in Manston as well as a trip to Adventure golf, Lillyput Golf and as much Italian icecream as we could fit in! Mikey is now also the proud owner of his very own aircraft carrier (a reward for a red card free year) and following the Museum trips also has a WW1 tank, biplane and a WW11 Spitfire...still slightly war obsessed I'm afraid.

At the moment we are coping with Andy's Dad being ill. He has cancer of the throat and at the moment can't eat or drink as the tumor has blocked his throat. He is currently in St Thomas's in London and they are hoping to fit a stent in the next few days. They did try to fit this at the QEQM but couldn't do it, hence the transfer to London. It isn't easy for me as I feel so guilty that I'm envious that both Andy and Martin are getting time to spend with their Dad - exactly what I would have given anything to have but didn't get. Also at the moment my sister is going through the same thing with her mother in law, although her cancer is far more for most of my family time is very precious right now.

Saturday, 12 August 2017

Deja Vu....

At the moment there is an awful lot of fuss over the 20th anniversary of Diana's Death. I guess some part of me envies her lifestyle, although the more I hear about her marriage the less I envy her! But I now realise I have a fair amount in common with her...;

1) Like her, there are 3 people in my marriage - Me, Andy and his mother. She has never let go of him and even though he works in West Kent, he has never once considered moving over there as it would mean leaving Ashford and her sphere of influence. Both her sons are completely tied to her and neither has ever tried to break away.

2) Like Charles, my husband has lost any interest he may once have had in me. Apparently once Harry was born he didn't sleep with Diana, and when she tried to tempt him with racy underwear from Harrods he laughed at her and said she looked ridiculous. Welcome to my world...

3) She was lonely and searching for the one man who was her soul mate...I never expected to feel so lonely once I was married. But I go to bed alone every night and physically ache from wanting attention. I have to ask for hugs and I don't offer any affection as I have been rejected so often. And that does hurt - I feel that I am a failure as a woman as I seem to be rejected at every turn.  Possibly a strong reason for my ongoing depression and anxiety, but how do I over come this? I'm now getting to the stage where I am fed up with fighting to try to keep my marriage alive as I feel as though I am the only one bothered.

4) Am I damaging Mikey by staying here? Would he be better off with 1 happy parent rather than 2 who are simply existing from day to day? How do I leave if that is the right thing to do? All I have are endless questions and no answers...where do I find my dashing knight on his charger to save me? Am I even worth being saved?

Saturday, 6 May 2017

Crying without tears....

It is coming up to the first anniversary of my Dads death....I still miss him and have picked up the phone to call him more times than I want to either admit to or care to remember. Mikey tends to use his death to try to get out of homework or going to bed. He is only too aware that the mere mention of Grandad reduces mè to tears...I had hoped I'd be cried out by now but the tears just keep falling.

I guess I'm also thinking of my own mortality now...especially after the funeral for Glenn. He was so young and having spoken to him only a few days before his death so lovely and kind. He helped me get over being told what a terrible mother I am by my son. Glenn reassured me that I'm doing ok and that Mikey doesn't mean it. I really needed to hear that at that time and I will always be grateful he took the time to tell me...

Glenn's funeral just re-emphasised how I hate crematorium ceremonies with the curtains closing etc and the coffin being left alone. I found it very hard at Dads funeral to leave him and last Friday made me certain I don't want that. At the moment I'm not sure what I want other than lots of music... so it looks like I want one hell of a party...and I quite like the idea or being buried beneath a tree so I can at least help clean air for the future...

I'm still job hunting, I'm applying for every local job I can do but don't seem to be getting very far. The number of places that reply/give feedback is extremely low. To be honest I feel that is rude and not exactly polite.  But I'll keep looking, there is a job for me out there somewhere!

Wednesday, 25 January 2017

Could the world stop so I can get off??

I have been meaning to post for ages....but life sort of got in the way!

2016 was really not a great year. I no longer work for Commercial Services and my Dad died very suddenly. Mikey and I are still trying to adjust to his loss....I tried some counselling through Cruse, but all he seemed to want to do was make me relive the day Dad died - something I found and still find devastatingly painful and then he'd leave. Andy would then try to calm me down before I went to cry myself to sleep again. If I'm honest I feel he did far more damage to me and my emotions...but I have not been able to provide any feedback. I'm hoping I was one of his first clients and he'll learn from the mistakes he made with me.

I'm trying to find a new job....but not having much luck if I'm honest. I've applied for loads of vacancies but am getting nowhere fast. In the meantime Mikey is growing rapidly and seems to be working through as many pairs of trousers as he can... anyone fancy sponsoring his school uniform?!?!

Sunday, 19 October 2014

Ups and downs

I'm feeling decidedly fed up at the moment. I should be bouncing off the walls in excitement as I have moved on from Heart Failure to Heart Disease - but at least there is a treatment that can pretty much cure me!

The CT scan I had showed that I have a blocked artery - the probable cause of the heart attack I had at some point, still no idea when it happened - but that is probably for the best!! My problem at the moment is I still have no idea when the Angiogram is being done. I was told at the CT Scan it would be in 6 weeks, but other than being called in on the Monday for some more blood tests I've not heard anything. If I know when it is happening I can at least know when I'm aiming for! Hopefully it will just be a day procedure - Andy is going to be dragged in with me so I don't get lectured about being alone like I was at the scan!!

In the meantime my moods are all over the place. most of this week I've had a migraine and been stressed...stopping myself crying is getting harder and harder to do. My emotions are as volatile as they were when I was pregnant and pretty much uncontrollable. 

Sunday, 28 September 2014

The light is getting bigger and brighter!

I think it is safe to say that I have had a good week! My weight loss has slowed down which I feel is a good thing as I seem to be maintaining it without, so far, any blips occurring! 

I have also been discharged by WACU as they are happy that, for now at least, my medication is at the right levels and my kidneys etc are coping fine so no problems and hopefully fewer blood tests!

The next big step is a return to work on Monday. If I'm honest the thought of the drive is the main scare factor for me. I am going to be quite a way from my security blanket at the Hospital. ..but I now know a whole lot more than I did before! The daily weigh in alone should help to quickly identify any potential changes or problems! I guess I'm also nervous as I have no idea how the changes proposed for the various parts  of the finance team may have been implemented or changed. I'm not even sure how the credit control team has been or is proposed to change! Guess that will be something I discover on Monday! Or tomorrow as it is now....cue butterflies etc taking off en masse in my stomach. Now my weight will probably change.....