Sea sickness time...

I started writing this last night when I was in my dark place...since then I have had what can only be described as one hell of a manic day and it seems to have helped brighten or lighten the cloud enveloping me...

I've even been reading how 1 in 50 deaths in Belgium are now caused by euthanasia without trying to work out how to get there! For me this is a huge leap forward. I never usually escape from my dark place so quickly...a good positive feeling for me.

Lookibg back now I know it was triggered by something last week. My overwheming thought when I collected my prescription was what would happen if I took all the migraine and anti clotting tablets in one go? That would be 4 weeks of fairly dangerous drugs in one hit. I didn't know if they would just knock me out and let me slide away quietly. Basically I'm a coward and don't want any pain...so as I couldn't find any answers to the questions I didn't ask Andy to take control of them. But it obviously wasn't a serious mindset as my next thought was I need a lockable medicine cupboard now Mikey is getting older.

I've learnt today when my Uncle's funeral is...on the 18th in Rotherham. I'm really hoping I can get there so I can at least say good bye...for years I was convinced he flew a helicopter,  I can't remember why - I must remember to ask  my parents as it's annoying me that I can't remember!!

My overwhelming wish is that Mikey could have known both of my Uncles...my Mum"s brother died over 20 years ago and although Mikey did at least meet the other one he is never going to remember him. I know they would have both loved him as much as I loved them.

We hit another Mikey milestone today. ..his first 'school' photo. He looks like a cheeky imp and totally aborable (no bias here!!!) I wish I could have bought packs for all 3 photos but that would have given my bank manager a coronary... so I've been good and stick to one :-(

R.I.P

The news from Yorkshire yesterday was not what we had hoped for...My Dad's family is now pretty much just him and Nicky and my cousins. Our Uncle sadly died last night.

He was one of the kindest and quietest men I have ever known. He accepted you as you and never tried to change you in anyway. It was also easu to just relax in his company. Something I relished when I was frequently travelling between Kent and Halifax or Oldham. On one such trip back to kent from Oldham I stopped to see him and my Aunt, as usual they wamted to feed me! I'd had several weeks of wonderful Italian food so je went off and came back with Nuggets and fries as I was craving junk food!!

Another wonderful memory is his wonderful sense of humour and his reaction to a mug with a frog lurking at the bottom.  I vaguely remember a comb being used to try to discover what was so different about this mug and an awful lot of laughter.

I just wish Mikey was old enough to remember meeting him..

This week...

Has not been brilliant. There was some news from Yorkshire that I am not going to dicuss on here but I'm sending big positive hugs to my family.

Mikey is still loving playschool. And thanks to Debbie we now know that 'Oggy" is not some strange playschool activity but is actually Maggie, his key worker! I have no idea why he has shortened it... But as he is happy I'm not going to question it!

On Tuesday I finally called my Dr as I've been having painful twinges in my back on the left side. On Tuesday it was more painful than giving birth so I called my GP. As expected there were no appointments so I agreed to have the Duty Dr call me. 4 hours later I got a call which quickly turned into a total farce. By the end of it he thought I had a migraine and he is sending me for an ultra sound scan and has prescribed some serious painkillers.

What has amazed me is that he hasn't even done a dip test to check for any infection. He didn't even check my records...when I said where the pain is located and sounded surprised that I'd had problems before...I really hope I am wrong but I've also lost my appetite and feel sick most of the time. But on a positive note I might lose some weight. ..so some good may come from this!!!

The photo is of Mikey earlier this week...I wish I could sleep like that, without a care in the world! Oh to be 3 again and to have nothing to worry about.

Growing up

Yesterday was another step in the growing up process for my little boy. Next month he is being a page boy so yesterday was a trip to Moss Bros. for thr first fitting of his suit. I know I'm biased but he looked gorgeous and far to grown up. He didn't help much when his collar size was being checked and once I put it on him there was a lot of pulling at it as if it was too tight  buf they must be used to this as the top button is sewn on with elastic so it gives!!!

Once he was back to being a boy (his words) we wandered across to Clarks to look for some black shoes without flashing lights! Unfortunately the only pair I liked had flashing yellow lights and I know someone would bounce down the aisle to make sure they flash! But I have got another couple of weeks to find some!!

He is loving playschool, although I have yet to learn what 'Oggy' is. This is his usual answer if you ask what he has done there. ..he did tell our neighbour that he does painting - but we have yet to see any of it! But when it starts to come home I'll have to find space for a gallery!!

One problem we have had recently is him thumping people, including Nanny, Auntie Nicky and me. We felt it was due to an overdose of Tom and Jerry so watching of their escapades is currently under a temporary ban.  So now we need to  work out how to explain that cartoon characters don't feel or get bothered by pain, but people do....

But this is one of the first problems we've really had so in my mind we've still been very lucky with our little boy.

Monday...

I'm not sure what is going on at the moment...all I know is I'm scared. I have no idea of what or why, but this morning on the motorway I was close to full blown panic. On the way home a van driver was very close as we were going through the variable speed limit and I was close to tears.

Once we were out of the variable limit I stuck in the inside lane - basically I felt to scared to pull out to overtake anyone...looking back at cars in the middle lane they just seemed to be travelling to fast for me to risk trying to move lanes.

I was ok once I'd parked the car and got back into the house...well a little better, I still can't switch off and relax and I feel really tense...as if I'm on the verge of something horribly bad happening.

Not sure if Mikey has picked up on how I'm feeling but for the last few days he has been a total nightmare plus he's slapped me, Nanny and Auntie Nicky accross the face. I think he's seen too much Tom and Jerry and has yet to realise that humans don't bounce back in the way they do! So at the age of 3 the cat and mouse are now on the banned list. Much as I moan about Disney Junior at least none of their shows have any violence in the way T & J do....

Right now I really don't know how to deal with him...maybe he hasn't got the sort of stability he wants, but we can't afford for me not to work. But if me working is going to damage Mikey I'll have to rethink things...

PLEASE COULD SOMEONE JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO? I'm fed up with crying myself to sleep and feeling so useless as a Mother.

Emotions...

That's it, summer is now officially over as I'm sat watching the Last Night of the Proms. Mostly with tears streaming down my face. The main problem I've had this evening was the choices of a couple of pieces that I used to be able to sing.

This may sound crazy to anyone else but singing was the only thing I could do and other people could also enjoy. Plus the feeling once you mastered something was amazing. The first time we got it right was an amazing sensation and to then repeat it as we mastered on of Verdi's most famous pieces is something I never want to forget whilst also being a feeling that has been torn away from me

I did try to sing again with a choir but I think I did more damage than good to what was left of my voice thanks to the butcher of Canterbury. At this choir there was nobody to teach you how to support and look after your voice. Fitting routines to songs appeared more important than the actual noises we produced.

Unfortunately Danny Boy was included this evening...I apologise to anyone who loves the song, but I hate it with a passion. For some reason it depresses me and I can't explain why.

Mikey has started playschool this week. He and I went to a taster session on Wednesday. He loved it, I just felt very un- needed. He wandered on quite happily and already seemed to know loads of people! That child has a far better social life than I ever have. The photo I'm hopefully going to attach is Mikey in his official t- shirt. But we are now in a countdown mode to next September when my baby is going to start school. Far too soon...