Lack of news...

Not much has been going on in Heather's world recently. I'm still crazily filling in books for the job centre to prove I am looking for a job while they don't pay me at all. I wish I'd attended the class on how to play the system as I'm rather fed up that I have to drag poor Mikey into the Job Centre every other Tuesday to sit with the unemployed masses. Apparently I don't appear in any jobless figures as I don't get paid any benefits! I'm sure if I hadn't been born here I'd have got benefits coming out of my ears.

This week Mikey charmed another lady who really looked as though she would rather be anywhere than say waiting for her advisor. I noticed quickly that she had a hearing aid so I just made sure I looked at her when I spoke and her lip reading was fantastic, unfortunately the advisor she saw was far more interested in her computer screen (which I assume told her that her client was deaf ) and just yelled loudly at her. I know I get  annoyed at the way the deaf are treated as my grandmother was deaf, and I adored her. I suppose growing up with someone who has a 'disabilty' you automatically slip back into old habits. My grandmother never let it stop her, when my parents arranged for a new colour tv to be delivered to her flat with cefax so she could read subtitles she flatly refused to use them as they were too distracting! She was also a massive snooker fan - I never quite worked out how or why with her old black and white tv.

I'm not sure why I've been thinking about her so much recently, she died over 20 years ago but recently she has been in my thoughts an awful lot. I would have loved her to meet Mikey, she was one of the few people I felt comfortable talking to during my teens, I even wrote letters to her as she lived in Yorkshire and didn't have a phone. I've realised while I was upstairs sorting Mikey out, today would have been her birthday. I just hope Mikey will have the sort of relationship with his Nanny as I had with mine.

My Parents are currently cruising round my favourite place in the world, Norway. And today they are in Olden with a brilliantly sunny and hot day - pretty much the same as it was in 2009 when we renewed our wedding vows on the bridge thanks to the Captain, at least I can remember that day unlike the day in 2002 which is sort of broken up in my memory.  I will admit that I don't remember all of the evening as we got through a fair amount of champagne...not enough to stop me feeling very embarrassed on the ships version of Mr & Mrs (Which we were supposed to win) but we did end up with another bottle of bubbly, plus another bottle was sent to our cabin by some friends from our table at dinner.

This was us on the flying bridge with the captain after we'd done our vows. I was still upright which wasn't so easy a few hours later!! But the scenery in Olden is amazing - I was pleased the Captain chose there for us. Mum and Dad are on a much bigger ship, there isn't much space there to turn ships around and they are so big they have filled the whole quay, a Thompson ship which is also there is having to tender it's passengers ashore! Thankfully we were the only ship there in 2009.

Looking Backwards...

Everyone (whoever everyone is) keeps saying that you shouldn't look back...but yesterday and today I did and I feel good for having done so!

In my distant past I had a friend who lives just outside Birmingham, when I got sent up there for meetings he was fantastic at appearing to keep me occupied and avoid sitting at a table for 1 in a hotel dining room, avoiding the gaze of travelling reps! He also took me to see Gladiator, and still finds it hilarious that we almost always ended up in the Rat & Parrot! We have been really good friends since the early naughties, but since I got married and was ill we've sort of lost touch! Thanks to Facebook we reconnected a few years back and just recently we ended up playing the same daft game, I'll admit I was sat here wondering how he was and thinking about sending a message to him as I was sure his mobile number had probably changed from the one I had. Then yesterday afternoon my phone beeped and I got a message from him! Spooky or what...

We chatted for a while via text and he called this afternoon, we chatted for over an hour and it felt like the last time we chatted was last week! It was nice to realise he hasn't changed at all and we seem to have fallen back into our old pattern! He is one of the few people I'll argue with about politics as I know we'll just end up laughing! I spent most of this afternoon trying to convince him to propose to his girlfriend of 4 years...after putting up with him for that long I think a proposal is the least she deserves, the VC is probably a more deserving award for her!

Mikey is still growing like a weed! At the moment his favourite thing to do in the whole world is to bounce! He has a small 1 person trampoline in the garden which he now can nearly bounce over the safety handle so will probably be asking for a larger one soon...I'm not quite sure where that will go as our garden is rather narrow...unless we can get an oblong one to fit into the garden!! That would make mowing the lawn a bit of a challenge!! It is decidedly scary to think the he is 3 next month, but on the other hand it is difficult to think of what life was like before him (fewer cars all over the floor)

He has had a haircut since this photo and looks less like a girl...a woman at the outlet centre told my Dad he had a lovely granddaughter...I got his hair cut as soon as I could when he told me that!

I think my next challenge is to find some kind of storage system for the fleet of cars, trucks and lorries which have accumulated in the last few months. The fact we have 2 massive fire engines, endless tractors and dustbin lorries plus various emergency vehicles (with sirens and no off switch) in addition to 'normal' cars means we have a major parking issue in our house! I think it may be solves with a plastic set of drawers so he can sort them out to his hearts content and they won't be on my lounge floor! It really is time his toys move into his bedroom with him!

OK, I know I'm wishing for a miracle...but they do sometimes happen don't they?!?!?

Roller Coaster Time

But unfortunately not in somewhere sunny like Orlando!

Mikey managed to amaze me last Sunday, we were at my parents on Sunday and Mr Black Eye was chatting to Mum's next door neighbour. I heard her ask what his name was and got a very confident 'Ikey' from him. I had no idea that he actually knew his name to tell anyone!

I've had 2 interviews this week but didn't get anywhere with either of them. I'm getting rather fed up with being told I interview well, and for the last one I got the old, 'you are over qualified for what we need'. It was for a 1 month temporary contract so even if I got another job the chances are I'd see the contract out...plus reading my CV should show that I don't exactly chop and change jobs. The first interview on Tuesday was in Tunbridge Wells, on a map the cross country route looks relatively short, but on Tuesday it seemed much longer there than any previous trips over. Plus I parked at the opposite side to the office, walking there was easy, all downhill! But on walking back to the car park it was more like the foothills of the Himalaya's! Plus I was worried as the car park was pay and display - I had only got enough change for an hour and when I'd tried to pay via phone it had crashed... By the time I got back to the car park it was 15 minutes after my ticket expired, and I went up to the wrong floor so had a minor panic that my car had been stolen! All the spaces were numbered, and I was parked in space 212...but when I got back there was a silver BMW parked in it...so I tried not to panic too much and went down a floor and there was my white car, thankfully without a parking ticket so I decided that was a good time to head back to Ashford!!

Although it was good to have some time to myself, there is no way I would cope with that drive twice a day. Even arriving at 9.30 I still had to queue into Tunbridge Wells and parking would have cost a fortune, I didn't see any sign of park and ride or any option like that!

This was going to be a longer post, but I'm just too tired...Andy managed to break the Microwave door this evening so I've sourced a replacement so tomorrow I guess well need to dispose of the current machine...so if Mikey wants any spaghetti this week before the new one arrives I'm actually going to have to cook it in a pan!!

As winter draws in...

At the moment I am sat in the garden as Mikey is busy playing outside. Yesterday being out here was fine,  the sun was out and there was a light breeze. Today is the total opposite...the sun is trying to break through and when you are out of the gale it is cold. But on the wind...I wish I had thermals on!

Mikey is totally unbothered and is keeping busy, fuelled by regular intakes of rich tea biscuits! So far today we have had trains, recycling lorries and now a couple of sports cars and a rescue truck out here. But they are all plastic so I doubt much can happen to them!

He is now asking to open the gate for some reason,  cruel horrible Mummy has said no so there is a minor sulking session underway...it is so tough being nearly 3!!!

Fed Up

I know people keep telling me that I should be grateful for everything good in my life...but my brain chemistry refuses to let me do this. Instead I'm just getting more and more tearful and it is getting harder and harder to keep my emotions under control. I'm very aware that I have to keep calm whenever I'm in contact with him...seeing me cry upsets him and I think that he worries it is his fault. It is far from that, it is just Mummy's brain making life for her difficult again.

What really annoys me is I can feel when I'm getting down, and I have lots of techniques I was given for keeping me going - but they are for when I've got to my dark place. What I need is to learn how to keep the lights on for longer so it doesn't get so dark...I also don't need people telling me to pull myself together, if it was that simple don't you think I would?

I know I really should go and see a Dr, but I don't trust mine and there aren't any there who I feel I can talk to...I know I keep saying this but I really need to change them. Having already been down a diagnosed with depression route, I really don't want to be labelled again. There has been loads of information and campaigns to try and change people's opinion of depression, but there is still a long way to go before people accept it is an illness and not just sufferers trying to be difficult.

Mikey is wonderful at cheering me up, but I don't like relying on him to keep me going. Poor little thing isn't even 3 yet so shouldn't have to keep Mummy going...

This last week has been quite busy for Mikey and I, next week is looking decidedly empty of anything to do. Hopefully the sun which has just arrived here will hang around for a few days so Mikey and I can get outside and enjoy it. His blond has got a little darker recently so he could do with a sun top up! And sun really does help when you are feeling down...so hopefully it will help me to - sun is better than relying on yet more tablets to get me through the day.

This is going to be a short post...I need to get out and get some Vitamin D Therapy...

Milestones...

Had a bit of a milestone today!  Mikey had his 2 year 6 month review and I am now a very proud Mum. He was busy playing while I chatted to the Health Visitor (another Sally...his speech therapist is also Sally... I'm likely to get confused eventually!)

The first different thing was being sent up stairs ay the Doctors. Mikey adored looking down on everyone in the downstairs waiting room...luckily he didn't have anything to throw!!! We didn't have to wait for long and we saw the same person who did his 1 year review. Mikey was given a few toys (shape puzzles and a few blocks which he immediately stacked and demolished with gusto) while I had a chat with Sally. There was a trainee health visitor who was trying to cope with Mikey, unfortunately for her he had found the measure on the wall and she tried to measure him. .. But being Mikey it wasn't that simple and after several attempts it was decided he is about 94.1 cm tall. Next up was weight...but someone spotted how you rest the scales so kept doing it. He did that at his first hospital appointment and obviously hadn't forgotten!

Unlike his review with Dr Freiburg he happily drew lines and circles - sometimes even staying on the paper! In my sons defence his pad for drawing is much bigger than A4. And once he discovered he shouldn't draw on the floor the crayoning got far more extreem (Mummy probably didn't help as she got the giggles!)

Sally seemed quite happy with his speech right now...so hopefully next month we will get discharged from there as well.

Then its his last immunisations in October and that's it until my baby goes to school. I find it very hard to remember him as the same size as Grace next door. Right now he is a little boy rather than the toddler I thought of his as even last week.

Next Steps...

I believe I have mentioned that I was thinking about starting an Open University Degree, mainly to prove I can do it as I wimped out 23 years ago...

I have opted for an Arts/Humanities BA (Hon) in English Literature and History. 2 Subjects I actually enjoy and would love to learn far more about! Thankfully the Government have decided that part time students can now also apply for a tuition fees loan which you only start paying back after 4 years provided you are earning at least £25k...no sign of me earning that amount again any time soon. I have registered with the OU and also with the Student Loan people, but I can't apply for the £2500 I need for my first year until May and my studies won't start until until 5 October, but I have got a list of book that will help that I can start on now! I will also need a computer that will play DVD's as much of the course is contained on them. Unfortunately my poor old laptops CD/DVD player has died and the keyboard has a mind of it's own! The OU also advise that tablets or I pads are no use so it is now time to start saving up for a new Laptop. Anyone know of any cheap ones around!!

The other news today has been the death of Baroness Thatcher. The reaction to the news has upset me. I'm not going to pretend I agreed with many of her policies but she was a leader who wasn't worried about upsetting a group of people if the country as a whole would benefit. I'm not going to pretend I understand all the politics surrounding the Miners Dispute, but on a personal level my Uncle, who I adored, has stones thrown at his house and was spat on by friends he had gone to school with because he was a 'scab'. He went into work everyday, crossing lines of men wound up to be abusive morons by their Trade Union leader. He kept the electronic systems working so the mine didn't flood and they had a job to eventually return to. Not long after the dispute ended he was diagnosed with Diabetes (He'd had a car boot full of 'pop' for as long as I could remember) But the next we heard he's gone into hospital for some tests and he never came out. So far as I was concerned Arthur Scargill had murdered him. It's a good thing I never bumped into him as I wanted to make him suffer in the way he'd made my Uncle suffer.

Margaret Thatcher was the first politician I have any memory off...her name was in the entrance hall of my first school in Norfolk as she had opened it when she was Education Secretary...so when she became leader of the Conservatives her name meant something to me! I also have hazy memories of the Falklands Conflict, we had a big map/plan on a wall in school and updated it daily. But I do remember hearing her calm voice on evening updates, to me it sounded like the voice of someone who knew what she was doing and would see it though. I guess it was her Churchill Time. (I wonder if this will come up in the History part of my studying!)

I know there are many people who won't agree with me, but R.I.P Mrs T...you stopped them forcing me to drink warm gloopy milk every morning break at school! But looking back, she made it OK to be female and have ambitions. She was a strong woman who was holding her own in a male dominated world, and getting many of them to do what she wanted.