Big Dip

Most of my friends are aware that I suffered from depression after I was ill in 2008. I went through counselling which was fantastic but at £25 a session I stopped  - probably too soon, and I also had a course of therapy in 2009. Thankfully that was on the NHS so I didn't have to pay for my 12 weeks, just convince work to let me have every Friday morning off. When things get too bad I do go back to all of my notes from the course, today I re-read the lot.

I didn't get the job last week. But my feedback was my experience was perfect and I interviewed really well, but the person appointed is a Man (with the implication he hasn't just had a baby) Most days I would handle this with some sort of off the cuff remark such as 'I'm too good for them' but at the moment I have other things/people eating away at my self confidence and to be honest I'm finding it hard to pick myself up this time. My biggest 'fear' as such is I don't know where I belong anymore...it doesn't feel as though I'm in the right place to me...

My one saving grace at the moment is Mikey - he has a wonderful ability to make me laugh even when I'm crying my eyes out (there has been alot of that over the last few days) an even when he decides to use my sore knee as a football he has a really cute grim which just melts my heart. I guess most Mums feel like this about their children, but I suppose having waited so long for Mikey he is a little more special to me. I just want to do everything I can to protect him for as long as I possibly can.

I currently have a new health challenge...over the last few weeks I've been having trouble with my knees and ankles again, last Monday I got stroppy with my GP surgery an demanded an appointment (they don't like giving them out on Mondays as they are so busy...) Any came with me and Dr Raj dispatched us to the Hospital or a load of blood tests and an x-ray (I'm also having an ultrasound but not until March) I went back yesterday an it appears I have arthritis and have also had an attack of gout in my knee (Dave, you have my sympathy) so even though I have been losing weight I'm now feeling if I'm going to have gout the least I should do is get drunk to give it a reason for occurring... In fact I'm so fed up I could quite happily eat chocolate until I'm sick, bugger the diabetes.

My one bit of good news is my cholesterol level is down below what they want - but I still have to keep taking the statins to make sure I don't stroke out again...I do wonder what would happen if I simply stop taking the various drugs that are now part of my daily life. A day with no tablets would be fantastic...a dream really

Mikey is now getting very interested by the advert for the HM Armed Forces toys...He won't believe me that he isn't old enough for them and I hope he will be as laid back as a little boy as he has been as a baby - or I may have to dig a ditch with bear traps and fireworks in it as suggested to me earlier this week.