Today has been mixed! It seemed to start far too early as a certain small person wanted breakfast... One bowl of apple porridge later and he seemed happy!
I followed that up by washing and drying my hair - not a great move as I am now seriously concerned by the sheer amount of grey up there. My decision now is whether I age gracefully or continue to colour!?!?! At the moment I'm so not happy about hitting a milestone birthday I have a feeling I will continue to age very slowly!!
Last night my laptop decided to get infected by every virus/trojan etc around! We tried running scans and antivirus stuff but this morning it was still not opening anything at all so we've scanned it all day today and it is still on the danger list! If it dies there is no way I can replace it at the moment plus it has a load of photos I need to get off it and backed up.
But on a more positive note I made bread yesterday and, even though I say so myself, it was rather good! This domesticity is so not me but to be honest I am rather enjoying it! I've decided that I'm not buying bread any more... the machine makes smaller loaves so we don't waste any plus I love the smell as it's baking! So it's a win win really!
Sunday, 27 February 2011
Sunday, 20 February 2011
Climbing...
Or at least I feel as though I am trying to climb a never ending hill. Luckily Mikey still seems to find the need to make me laugh as much as he can (this morning he was beating Daddy up with a teething ring or 2!!) If I didn't have my little boy I would be a much bigger wreck than I currently am - he and some wonderful friends have kept me going this week (especially on Thursday, thank you so much Brian & Rachel - I wouldn't have got through it without you)
I have also started keeping a paper journal this week, it means I can write exactly what I want about how I am feeling and not worry about who may read it... I know it is a little cowardly but at the moment I simply need a place to vent that other people can't then hold against me. I now sound totally paranoid and maybe I am...but I have learnt over the last few years what I need to do to protect me and at the moment that is the most important thing to me - along with protecting my son.
Not much else of note has happened this week really, I have been trying to hold myself together and be as calm as possible for Mikey's sake. My parents are off to Norfolk at the end of this week for a Funeral. Not a nice thought and it is for someone I never expected to have gone now... My memories of her are of someone full of vitality and life... Probably the nicest way to remember her really. I haven't actually seen her for ages - in fact the last time I saw her was the day Diana died... we had a birthday party for my Dad's 60th and she and her husband came down for it. That was another very odd day but one I'll never forget for a nice reason :-)
I have also started keeping a paper journal this week, it means I can write exactly what I want about how I am feeling and not worry about who may read it... I know it is a little cowardly but at the moment I simply need a place to vent that other people can't then hold against me. I now sound totally paranoid and maybe I am...but I have learnt over the last few years what I need to do to protect me and at the moment that is the most important thing to me - along with protecting my son.
Not much else of note has happened this week really, I have been trying to hold myself together and be as calm as possible for Mikey's sake. My parents are off to Norfolk at the end of this week for a Funeral. Not a nice thought and it is for someone I never expected to have gone now... My memories of her are of someone full of vitality and life... Probably the nicest way to remember her really. I haven't actually seen her for ages - in fact the last time I saw her was the day Diana died... we had a birthday party for my Dad's 60th and she and her husband came down for it. That was another very odd day but one I'll never forget for a nice reason :-)
Tuesday, 15 February 2011
Big Dip
Most of my friends are aware that I suffered from depression after I was ill in 2008. I went through counselling which was fantastic but at £25 a session I stopped - probably too soon, and I also had a course of therapy in 2009. Thankfully that was on the NHS so I didn't have to pay for my 12 weeks, just convince work to let me have every Friday morning off. When things get too bad I do go back to all of my notes from the course, today I re-read the lot.
I didn't get the job last week. But my feedback was my experience was perfect and I interviewed really well, but the person appointed is a Man (with the implication he hasn't just had a baby) Most days I would handle this with some sort of off the cuff remark such as 'I'm too good for them' but at the moment I have other things/people eating away at my self confidence and to be honest I'm finding it hard to pick myself up this time. My biggest 'fear' as such is I don't know where I belong anymore...it doesn't feel as though I'm in the right place to me...
My one saving grace at the moment is Mikey - he has a wonderful ability to make me laugh even when I'm crying my eyes out (there has been alot of that over the last few days) an even when he decides to use my sore knee as a football he has a really cute grim which just melts my heart. I guess most Mums feel like this about their children, but I suppose having waited so long for Mikey he is a little more special to me. I just want to do everything I can to protect him for as long as I possibly can.
I currently have a new health challenge...over the last few weeks I've been having trouble with my knees and ankles again, last Monday I got stroppy with my GP surgery an demanded an appointment (they don't like giving them out on Mondays as they are so busy...) Any came with me and Dr Raj dispatched us to the Hospital or a load of blood tests and an x-ray (I'm also having an ultrasound but not until March) I went back yesterday an it appears I have arthritis and have also had an attack of gout in my knee (Dave, you have my sympathy) so even though I have been losing weight I'm now feeling if I'm going to have gout the least I should do is get drunk to give it a reason for occurring... In fact I'm so fed up I could quite happily eat chocolate until I'm sick, bugger the diabetes.
My one bit of good news is my cholesterol level is down below what they want - but I still have to keep taking the statins to make sure I don't stroke out again...I do wonder what would happen if I simply stop taking the various drugs that are now part of my daily life. A day with no tablets would be fantastic...a dream really
Mikey is now getting very interested by the advert for the HM Armed Forces toys...He won't believe me that he isn't old enough for them and I hope he will be as laid back as a little boy as he has been as a baby - or I may have to dig a ditch with bear traps and fireworks in it as suggested to me earlier this week.
I didn't get the job last week. But my feedback was my experience was perfect and I interviewed really well, but the person appointed is a Man (with the implication he hasn't just had a baby) Most days I would handle this with some sort of off the cuff remark such as 'I'm too good for them' but at the moment I have other things/people eating away at my self confidence and to be honest I'm finding it hard to pick myself up this time. My biggest 'fear' as such is I don't know where I belong anymore...it doesn't feel as though I'm in the right place to me...
My one saving grace at the moment is Mikey - he has a wonderful ability to make me laugh even when I'm crying my eyes out (there has been alot of that over the last few days) an even when he decides to use my sore knee as a football he has a really cute grim which just melts my heart. I guess most Mums feel like this about their children, but I suppose having waited so long for Mikey he is a little more special to me. I just want to do everything I can to protect him for as long as I possibly can.
I currently have a new health challenge...over the last few weeks I've been having trouble with my knees and ankles again, last Monday I got stroppy with my GP surgery an demanded an appointment (they don't like giving them out on Mondays as they are so busy...) Any came with me and Dr Raj dispatched us to the Hospital or a load of blood tests and an x-ray (I'm also having an ultrasound but not until March) I went back yesterday an it appears I have arthritis and have also had an attack of gout in my knee (Dave, you have my sympathy) so even though I have been losing weight I'm now feeling if I'm going to have gout the least I should do is get drunk to give it a reason for occurring... In fact I'm so fed up I could quite happily eat chocolate until I'm sick, bugger the diabetes.
My one bit of good news is my cholesterol level is down below what they want - but I still have to keep taking the statins to make sure I don't stroke out again...I do wonder what would happen if I simply stop taking the various drugs that are now part of my daily life. A day with no tablets would be fantastic...a dream really
Mikey is now getting very interested by the advert for the HM Armed Forces toys...He won't believe me that he isn't old enough for them and I hope he will be as laid back as a little boy as he has been as a baby - or I may have to dig a ditch with bear traps and fireworks in it as suggested to me earlier this week.
Tuesday, 8 February 2011
Update on Me!!!
Thankfully Mikey was at Rachel's busy being entertained and fed, I've just remembered that I never quite got round to having either breakfast or lunch! That child eats far better than I do! As usual I refused to give much (any) blood from either arm so it was taken from the back of my right hand, the bruise is busy working it's way to the surface now so as well as a sore, swollen knee I have a very stiff hand as well!
The Dr has given me a whole load of paracetamol and some tramadol for the pain, I'm not supposed to be driving due to the pain relief, but I have an interview on Thursday so I am going to have to drive. I doubt they'll come to me for the interview to be honest!! I know I'm good, but....
I've also got some cream to rub into any affected joints - it does help but smells horrible! But the actual action of rubbing it in seems to help too! Any chance of getting a masseur on the NHS???? A nice hunky Swede would be decidedly welcome to come and massage my knee/leg anything else he wants to 3 times a day!!!
Saturday, 5 February 2011
The human mind
I really should stop watching stuff like Casualty. I've just watched this evenings episode which concentrated on a Doctor having a breakdown. What really scared me is I didn't have a breakdown at the end of 2008. I was severely depressed but I was nothing like the state this character had got into (it is so nice to be able to say that!!) But I an VERY aware just how close I got to it. The thing I found really scary this evening is how much it felt as though the writers have been marauding through my head and one comment the character made about Mental Health practitioners was exactly how I felt about one of the professionals I saw a few times... I am NEVER going to complain about the help I have been given though, I feel very grateful and the Counsellor I saw was truly wonderful, but I paid her privately as the waiting list for a NHS appointment was far too long and I was very aware I needed help quickly so needed to start very much sooner rather than later. I am also very aware just how many people don't seem to think mental illness actually exists and that it's something that should be brushed under the carpet or better still ignored until it goes away. Having experienced it more than once it is real, scary and it doesn't go away if you ignore it - trying to that makes it worse. Please, if you know someone with a mental illness, never tell them to 'buck up'. Instead please give them a hug and listen - that will help more than you will ever know. My personal theory is the world needs more hugs and if we all did that it would be a much nicer and happier place.
On a much more positive note my son has been charming another woman again! This afternoon he met Sam for the first time, he was soon happily sat on her knee smiling at her ( he is a floozy!) before he retreated to the floor for some mat time! One thing both Andy and I are very aware of is just how lucky we are to have such a cheerful friendly little boy :-) And the fact he is happy for Mummy to have cuddles whenever she needs them is wonderful for me!
He also went up to bed easily this evening and I have a feeling he was asleep before Andy got downstairs! If I'm honest I would love us to have a brother or sister for him but we simply don't have the space for another child and knowing our luck a second would not be as laid back and easy going as Mikey! I'll just have to continue my campaign for a pet instead! I have ruled out hamsters etc as I know who would be left to clean them out and fish and birds simply don't appeal! To be honest I would really like a little female kitten for my birthday so the sexes in the house would at least be evened out!
On a much more positive note my son has been charming another woman again! This afternoon he met Sam for the first time, he was soon happily sat on her knee smiling at her ( he is a floozy!) before he retreated to the floor for some mat time! One thing both Andy and I are very aware of is just how lucky we are to have such a cheerful friendly little boy :-) And the fact he is happy for Mummy to have cuddles whenever she needs them is wonderful for me!
He also went up to bed easily this evening and I have a feeling he was asleep before Andy got downstairs! If I'm honest I would love us to have a brother or sister for him but we simply don't have the space for another child and knowing our luck a second would not be as laid back and easy going as Mikey! I'll just have to continue my campaign for a pet instead! I have ruled out hamsters etc as I know who would be left to clean them out and fish and birds simply don't appeal! To be honest I would really like a little female kitten for my birthday so the sexes in the house would at least be evened out!
Tuesday, 1 February 2011
Second Month of the year...
This year is already whizing past far too fast - and I thought last year went fast!! Well to be honest the 2nd half of last year was far quicker than the first... I spent the 1st 6 months wadling around behind a bump!
The bump is now growing fast, I know I spend far too much time Mikey watching but I feel one of the best ways of describing me is a besotted Mum! In the last 2 days he has started waving at people (OK, so it is usually to say hello but I'm not going to stop him!) and he has definately come out with Mamma and quite possibly Mum. What is really scary is the knowledge that is isn't going to be very long before he is far more mobile, he seems to be itching to be underway now but luckily is still objecting to being on his tummy for any length of time so crawling has yet to happen!! And so far as Mummy is concerned it can take as long as it wants to arrive!!
Other than the baby not much else is happening on Planet Heather... Still job hunting and trying not to let it get me down (some days that is far easier said than done)
Oh yes, today Mikey had an encounter!!! We were at Auntie Rachel's when Kat arrived (which was lovely as I don't see her very often!) Mikey was having a cuddle when he noticed Kat had very long glittery eyelashes! The poor little thing freaked out and cried!! Luckily Mummy was still aorund as a safe haven! My son is basically a wuss when face with a woman with long eyelashes and glitter... but I guess we still have a few years to work on that phobia!
My other main thing at the moment is I want to get a Christening sorted out. I can't really explain why, I simply know that I need to get Mikey christened. Maybe I can still blame the after effects of Baby Hormones...Or I am just being a totally paranoid mother for no reason at all (probably more likely if I'm truthful!)
The bump is now growing fast, I know I spend far too much time Mikey watching but I feel one of the best ways of describing me is a besotted Mum! In the last 2 days he has started waving at people (OK, so it is usually to say hello but I'm not going to stop him!) and he has definately come out with Mamma and quite possibly Mum. What is really scary is the knowledge that is isn't going to be very long before he is far more mobile, he seems to be itching to be underway now but luckily is still objecting to being on his tummy for any length of time so crawling has yet to happen!! And so far as Mummy is concerned it can take as long as it wants to arrive!!
Other than the baby not much else is happening on Planet Heather... Still job hunting and trying not to let it get me down (some days that is far easier said than done)
Oh yes, today Mikey had an encounter!!! We were at Auntie Rachel's when Kat arrived (which was lovely as I don't see her very often!) Mikey was having a cuddle when he noticed Kat had very long glittery eyelashes! The poor little thing freaked out and cried!! Luckily Mummy was still aorund as a safe haven! My son is basically a wuss when face with a woman with long eyelashes and glitter... but I guess we still have a few years to work on that phobia!
My other main thing at the moment is I want to get a Christening sorted out. I can't really explain why, I simply know that I need to get Mikey christened. Maybe I can still blame the after effects of Baby Hormones...Or I am just being a totally paranoid mother for no reason at all (probably more likely if I'm truthful!)
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