Saturday, 12 August 2017

Deja Vu....

At the moment there is an awful lot of fuss over the 20th anniversary of Diana's Death. I guess some part of me envies her lifestyle, although the more I hear about her marriage the less I envy her! But I now realise I have a fair amount in common with her...;

1) Like her, there are 3 people in my marriage - Me, Andy and his mother. She has never let go of him and even though he works in West Kent, he has never once considered moving over there as it would mean leaving Ashford and her sphere of influence. Both her sons are completely tied to her and neither has ever tried to break away.

2) Like Charles, my husband has lost any interest he may once have had in me. Apparently once Harry was born he didn't sleep with Diana, and when she tried to tempt him with racy underwear from Harrods he laughed at her and said she looked ridiculous. Welcome to my world...

3) She was lonely and searching for the one man who was her soul mate...I never expected to feel so lonely once I was married. But I go to bed alone every night and physically ache from wanting attention. I have to ask for hugs and I don't offer any affection as I have been rejected so often. And that does hurt - I feel that I am a failure as a woman as I seem to be rejected at every turn.  Possibly a strong reason for my ongoing depression and anxiety, but how do I over come this? I'm now getting to the stage where I am fed up with fighting to try to keep my marriage alive as I feel as though I am the only one bothered.

4) Am I damaging Mikey by staying here? Would he be better off with 1 happy parent rather than 2 who are simply existing from day to day? How do I leave if that is the right thing to do? All I have are endless questions and no answers...where do I find my dashing knight on his charger to save me? Am I even worth being saved?

1 comment:

  1. Heather, I am so sorry to hear you are so depressed. You are not worthless. You are a strong, beautiful woman and a caring, loving mother. All marriages go through lulls and I hope that this is all that is happening with yours. It sounds like you are both under some stress and that can affect how people interact with each other. Whatever the is not your fault. We can only ever do our best. I thought I had done my best for my son but it seems I really failed at that. I hope that this hiccup soon passes and you can be a happy threesome once again. Blessings.