SAS - Summer And Survival

Mikey and I are still surviving the Summer Holidays!! We have pretty much finished uniform shopping (just shoes to go) and have thought about doing the tiny bit of homework...and put it off again!

We had a lovely 10 days in Broadstairs at the start of August - the weather was best desribed as mixed, but we managed to fit in a day at Dreamland, a trip to the RAF and Spitfire Museums in Manston as well as a trip to Adventure golf, Lillyput Golf and as much Italian icecream as we could fit in! Mikey is now also the proud owner of his very own aircraft carrier (a reward for a red card free year) and following the Museum trips also has a WW1 tank, biplane and a WW11 Spitfire...still slightly war obsessed I'm afraid.

At the moment we are coping with Andy's Dad being ill. He has cancer of the throat and at the moment can't eat or drink as the tumor has blocked his throat. He is currently in St Thomas's in London and they are hoping to fit a stent in the next few days. They did try to fit this at the QEQM but couldn't do it, hence the transfer to London. It isn't easy for me as I feel so guilty that I'm envious that both Andy and Martin are getting time to spend with their Dad - exactly what I would have given anything to have but didn't get. Also at the moment my sister is going through the same thing with her mother in law, although her cancer is far more advanced...so for most of my family time is very precious right now.

Deja Vu....

At the moment there is an awful lot of fuss over the 20th anniversary of Diana's Death. I guess some part of me envies her lifestyle, although the more I hear about her marriage the less I envy her! But I now realise I have a fair amount in common with her...;

1) Like her, there are 3 people in my marriage - Me, Andy and his mother. She has never let go of him and even though he works in West Kent, he has never once considered moving over there as it would mean leaving Ashford and her sphere of influence. Both her sons are completely tied to her and neither has ever tried to break away.

2) Like Charles, my husband has lost any interest he may once have had in me. Apparently once Harry was born he didn't sleep with Diana, and when she tried to tempt him with racy underwear from Harrods he laughed at her and said she looked ridiculous. Welcome to my world...

3) She was lonely and searching for the one man who was her soul mate...I never expected to feel so lonely once I was married. But I go to bed alone every night and physically ache from wanting attention. I have to ask for hugs and I don't offer any affection as I have been rejected so often. And that does hurt - I feel that I am a failure as a woman as I seem to be rejected at every turn.  Possibly a strong reason for my ongoing depression and anxiety, but how do I over come this? I'm now getting to the stage where I am fed up with fighting to try to keep my marriage alive as I feel as though I am the only one bothered.

4) Am I damaging Mikey by staying here? Would he be better off with 1 happy parent rather than 2 who are simply existing from day to day? How do I leave if that is the right thing to do? All I have are endless questions and no answers...where do I find my dashing knight on his charger to save me? Am I even worth being saved?

Crying without tears....

It is coming up to the first anniversary of my Dads death....I still miss him and have picked up the phone to call him more times than I want to either admit to or care to remember. Mikey tends to use his death to try to get out of homework or going to bed. He is only too aware that the mere mention of Grandad reduces mè to tears...I had hoped I'd be cried out by now but the tears just keep falling.

I guess I'm also thinking of my own mortality now...especially after the funeral for Glenn. He was so young and having spoken to him only a few days before his death so lovely and kind. He helped me get over being told what a terrible mother I am by my son. Glenn reassured me that I'm doing ok and that Mikey doesn't mean it. I really needed to hear that at that time and I will always be grateful he took the time to tell me...

Glenn's funeral just re-emphasised how I hate crematorium ceremonies with the curtains closing etc and the coffin being left alone. I found it very hard at Dads funeral to leave him and last Friday made me certain I don't want that. At the moment I'm not sure what I want other than lots of music... so it looks like I want one hell of a party...and I quite like the idea or being buried beneath a tree so I can at least help clean air for the future...

I'm still job hunting, I'm applying for every local job I can do but don't seem to be getting very far. The number of places that reply/give feedback is extremely low. To be honest I feel that is rude and not exactly polite.  But I'll keep looking, there is a job for me out there somewhere!

Could the world stop so I can get off??

I have been meaning to post for ages....but life sort of got in the way!

2016 was really not a great year. I no longer work for Commercial Services and my Dad died very suddenly. Mikey and I are still trying to adjust to his loss....I tried some counselling through Cruse, but all he seemed to want to do was make me relive the day Dad died - something I found and still find devastatingly painful and then he'd leave. Andy would then try to calm me down before I went to cry myself to sleep again. If I'm honest I feel he did far more damage to me and my emotions...but I have not been able to provide any feedback. I'm hoping I was one of his first clients and he'll learn from the mistakes he made with me.

I'm trying to find a new job....but not having much luck if I'm honest. I've applied for loads of vacancies but am getting nowhere fast. In the meantime Mikey is growing rapidly and seems to be working through as many pairs of trousers as he can... anyone fancy sponsoring his school uniform?!?!