The human mind

I really should stop watching stuff like Casualty. I've just watched this evenings episode which concentrated on a Doctor having a breakdown. What really scared me is I didn't have a breakdown at the end of 2008. I was severely depressed but I was nothing like the state this character had got into (it is so nice to be able to say that!!) But I an VERY aware just how close I got to it. The thing I found really scary this evening is how much it felt as though the writers have been marauding through my head and one comment the character made about Mental Health practitioners was exactly how I felt about one of the professionals I saw a few times... I am NEVER going to complain about the help I have been given though, I feel very grateful and the Counsellor I saw was truly wonderful, but I paid her privately as the waiting list for a NHS appointment was far too long and I was very aware I needed help quickly so needed to start very much sooner rather than later. I am also very aware just how many people don't seem to think mental illness actually exists and that it's something that should be brushed under the carpet or better still ignored until it goes away. Having experienced it more than once it is real, scary and it doesn't go away if you ignore it - trying to that makes it worse. Please, if you know someone with a mental illness, never tell them to 'buck up'. Instead please give them a hug and listen - that will help more than you will ever know. My personal theory is the world needs more hugs and if we all did that it would be a much nicer and happier place.

On a much more positive note my son has been charming another woman again! This afternoon he met Sam for the first time, he was soon happily sat on her knee smiling at her ( he is a floozy!) before he retreated to the floor for some mat time! One thing both Andy and I are very aware of is just how lucky we are to have such a cheerful friendly little boy :-) And the fact he is happy for Mummy to have cuddles whenever she needs them is wonderful for me!

He also went up to bed easily this evening and I have a feeling he was asleep before Andy got downstairs! If I'm honest I would love us to have a brother or sister for him but we simply don't have the space for another child and knowing our luck a second would not be as laid back and easy going as Mikey! I'll just have to continue my campaign for a pet instead! I have ruled out hamsters etc as I know who would be left to clean them out and fish and birds simply don't appeal! To be honest I would really like a little female kitten for my birthday so the sexes in the house would at least be evened out!

Second Month of the year...

This year is already whizing past far too fast - and I thought last year went fast!! Well to be honest the 2nd half of last year was far quicker than the first... I spent the 1st 6 months wadling around behind a bump!

The bump is now growing fast, I know I spend far too much time Mikey watching but I feel one of the best ways of describing me is a besotted Mum! In the last 2 days he has started waving at people (OK, so it is usually to say hello but I'm not going to stop him!) and he has definately come out with Mamma and quite possibly Mum. What is really scary is the knowledge that is isn't going to be very long before he is far more mobile, he seems to be itching to be underway now but luckily is still objecting to being on his tummy for any length of time so crawling has yet to happen!! And so far as Mummy is concerned it can take as long as it wants to arrive!!

Other than the baby not much else is happening on Planet Heather... Still job hunting and trying not to let it get me down (some days that is far easier said than done)

Oh yes, today Mikey had an encounter!!! We were at Auntie Rachel's when Kat arrived (which was lovely as I don't see her very often!) Mikey was having a cuddle when he noticed Kat had very long glittery eyelashes! The poor little thing freaked out and cried!! Luckily Mummy was still aorund as a safe haven! My son is basically a wuss when face with a woman with long eyelashes and glitter... but I guess we still have a few years to work on that phobia!

My other main thing at the moment is I want to get a Christening sorted out. I can't really explain why, I simply know that I need to get Mikey christened. Maybe I can still blame the after effects of Baby Hormones...Or I am just being a totally paranoid mother for no reason at all (probably more likely if I'm truthful!)

New tricks...

We've made it t 7 months and to celebrate Mikey has mastered screaming for no reason at all. This has resulted in Mummy suffering a permanent headache and living on paracetamol for the forseeable future! The screams would be bearable if it was possible to vary the pitch downwards from the type we get at the moment which just goes straight through my head... It makes my past headaches feel like a stroll in the park and I have yet to decide of my head is trying to implode or explode! The thudding can get almost unbearable...

One new trick I am happy to live with is the way he can now grab stuff he wants! Right now he's on his play mat and I think he is trying to breed the elephant and the parrot! Somehow I doubt Dave would want one of those in his living room replacing the current visitor! We are also trying hard to roll over again, hopefully this activity will result in sleeping all night again, and sleep arriving soon after he ends up in his cot!

His other trick at the moment is to have a paddy if he is left alone - it makes going to the loo during the day interesting for me! Maybe I need a clone... he doesn't seem to mind who is with him so long as there is a person around (mainly to pick up the toys he flings across the room!) He has also started to react to his name! Maybe we did manage to chose the right one for him!!!

I'm still busy job hunting...this weeks knock back was due to me being over qualified. I could have done the job with one hand tied behind my back and both eyes closed. It was only a 3 month contract so I doubt I could have got bored enough to walk out in that time... It is nice to have skills recognised - but right now I just want a job. Much as I adore my son I need to spend a little more time with adults for me more than anything else (plus the money would come in handy too!) Just because I've had a baby it doesn't automatically follow that I'm going to have another one in the immediate future! It is illegal to actually ask the question in an interview yet I've had 2 where they have in a very roundabout way. What is even worse is one of the interviewers was also female and a Mum... But I'll still keep trying, there must be something out there for me!

16th January

I really have no idea what to call this post...so I decided to stick with the date (to be honest most of the time I have no idea what the date of even the day is!!)

The interview last week was not successful. I will admit it really got me down and Friday night was tough...lots of tears and feeling totally useless. But then I decided I'm too good for them and if they can't even be polite enough to phone to tell me they aren't taking my application any further then I don't want to work for a company that is so rude. Plus on Friday my clever little boy rolled over!!! Some things are just far more important - it can just take me a while to realise that! He hasn't done it since and I think it shocked him a little, but it is the next stage and brings crawling a step closer! Now that does scare me...a mobile Mikey!!!

Andy has just been out to buy 2 more toy boxes - the toy collection in the middle of the lounge floor is starting to get in the way so they need a home! The next job is to work out how to fit 3 large boxes into Mikey's bedroom so that once he's a little bigger he can get to his toys (and learn to put them away himself!!) Somehow I think we may have to get a toy cupboard or something similar as well as a bookcase as he is starting to build quite a library! This morning he's been learning to use one of his toy phones,  he was sat holding it up to his ear...maybe I spend too much time on the phone so he's just copying me!! He's also a mini magician as he can make his dummy vanish in milliseconds!!

Still...

Still job hunting...the interview on Friday went well and to be honest I nearly enjoyed it! But I'm not what they are looking for and looking back I feel it wasn't the job for me! I think the stress would have been more than I had in my previous job and the hours would have been long - and right now I have other priorities! I've already done the 12 hour day thing and I now like having a life...Plus I want to spend time with our son having waited so long for him to arrive!

I had another interview today, again the interview felt as though it went well - but it was only an 'informal' chat and hopefully tomorrow I'll find out if I've made the short list. If I have I have a new problem...what to wear as I only have 1 jacket that actually fits and isn't too big for me now! Oh well, that is a problem for the weekend...tomorrow we are off to see Nanny and Grandad so Mikey can learn more of the Periodic Table! So far the only word we've recognised is 'Hello' and he's only said that once so far as we've heard... but he is only 6 months old so he has plenty of time for talking and he makes more than enough noise in his own way!

Mikey has spent alot of today playing with Auntie Rachel! I'm honestly not sure who had the most fun, but when I got home Mikey was having a restoring nap having fallen asleep on Rachel during Cbeebies! He can be rather adorable when he goes into snuggle mode and I think he may have worked out this is a good way of wrapping Auntie Rachel around his little finger! Not that I think she is complaining...

New Beginnings...

I'm currently job hunting, if I'm honest I don't really want to go back to work - I want to be with my baby - but financially there is no way we can survive if I don't find a job... Supposedly I have an interview tomorrow, but that has yet to be confirmed. Hasn't stopped me gong into panic mode in advance though...

Mikey and I have been battling with the high chair this week... today we had lunch sat in it with no crying!!! Until he emptied his bowl but a quick cuddle and his bottle and we were a happy smiling boy again. He's now having a post lunch nap, which has meant I managed to have some lunch myself!

I've undecorated the tree today... I hate this time of year, everything is just dark and depressing, I feel like I have nothing to look forward to now as well. At least last year I had the birth of Mikey to look forward to, even if we did have a hiccup or 2 on the way...This year he's already here and I feel really down if I'm honest. I do miss being pregnant, I've lost the connection we used to have and I even miss all the kicking - and he was so good at that! I'll never forget the look of horror on Andy's face one saturday when Mikey was having a major workout and my bump was moving all over the place whilst he did it!

Andy's car is still off the road, this week he is using mine (whilst we can still afford to keep it) which has meant Mikey and I have been at home - not that the rain we have at the moment is exactly encouraging me to want to go out in it! Plus knowing how Mikey hates getting wet I don't think he would exactly enjoy it either!

2011

We saw the New Year in from home last night...after all Mikey can't exactly be left alone plus I still have the remnants of the flu and didn't think anyone would appreciate me sharing that around!

Mikey went off to sleep fairly easily...Daddy has reprogrammed Scout so he had lots of lullabies to lull him off to sleep! We then settled down with the TV and a couple of boxes of tissues to await the arrival of 2011. For some reason the fireworks started about 9.30 and carried on all evening! After midnight the sky seemed full of Chinese lanterns - hopefully all the relevant authorities were warned this year and nobody reported UFOs or emergency flares this year!

The fireworks from London were pretty impressive - we copied them and Mikey watched them this morning, he seemed to find them quite engrossing and just watched them quietly! Maybe I need to make lots of recordings of fireworks to keep him calm!!! He's also started grabbing anything he can get his hands on...it all then goes straight into his mouth and however much he stuffs in he still seems able to scream at an ear drum splitting pitch! We have yet to find his volume control, his dummy is useless as he can scream round it!