I started writing this last night when I was in my dark place...since then I have had what can only be described as one hell of a manic day and it seems to have helped brighten or lighten the cloud enveloping me...
I've even been reading how 1 in 50 deaths in Belgium are now caused by euthanasia without trying to work out how to get there! For me this is a huge leap forward. I never usually escape from my dark place so quickly...a good positive feeling for me.
Lookibg back now I know it was triggered by something last week. My overwheming thought when I collected my prescription was what would happen if I took all the migraine and anti clotting tablets in one go? That would be 4 weeks of fairly dangerous drugs in one hit. I didn't know if they would just knock me out and let me slide away quietly. Basically I'm a coward and don't want any pain...so as I couldn't find any answers to the questions I didn't ask Andy to take control of them. But it obviously wasn't a serious mindset as my next thought was I need a lockable medicine cupboard now Mikey is getting older.
I've learnt today when my Uncle's funeral is...on the 18th in Rotherham. I'm really hoping I can get there so I can at least say good bye...for years I was convinced he flew a helicopter, I can't remember why - I must remember to ask my parents as it's annoying me that I can't remember!!
My overwhelming wish is that Mikey could have known both of my Uncles...my Mum"s brother died over 20 years ago and although Mikey did at least meet the other one he is never going to remember him. I know they would have both loved him as much as I loved them.
We hit another Mikey milestone today. ..his first 'school' photo. He looks like a cheeky imp and totally aborable (no bias here!!!) I wish I could have bought packs for all 3 photos but that would have given my bank manager a coronary... so I've been good and stick to one :-(
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