A testing week

If I'm honest I'm really not looking forward to this week... Tonight I have to sleep wearing a monitor as I'm being tested for possible sleep apnea. I'm not holding out much hope as when I talked to the nurse who was explaining how to fit all the various to me and the monitor she pointed out that the condition isn't known for causing what they are theoretically testing for and that Stroke Consultants are well know for guessing and sounding extremely confident about their guess! But he was a very nice consultant so I'll wear all the gubbins and then have to do an early morning dash back to the hospital to return the stuff so it can be analysed, I have no idea if/when I'll get told what is discovered.

I did have a nice surprise when Mikey and I arrived at lunchtime. As usual there were no spaces in any shade left so I parked where I had lots of room to open the door for easy toddler extraction and return. I went to get my ticket but the machine refused to accept my £1 coin...OK, next idea was to pay using my mobile!! 1 minor problem... I have not yet worked out how to use the keypad whilst using the phone to make a call so I was unable to punch in the identifying number they wanted! By now my stress levels were on the way up so Mikey and I went to have a chat with the Parking Team. I had no other cash with me at all, but seeing as I was only dashing in quickly they kindly wrote me a permit to leave on my dashboard at no charge (I have a feeling Mikey was doing the big brown eyes and the blond curl thing which may have helped!!)

I was out of the hospital within 15 minutes including a stop at the shop to buy a bottle of coke as I was roasting! Then it was a quick dash home to get Mikey fed... but we had to stop off and do a circuit of the garden and a couple of trips down his new slide!

The photo was over the weekend... the grass wasn't that colour when Andy mowed it on Friday, but it really has been hot and we've had a distinct lack of rain over the last few days! The slide was being given away by a neighbour, Mikey doesn't care it isn't brand new, he just enjoys sliding and yelling WEEEEEE At the top of his voice! We have discovered that he seems to feel his swing is too small now, getting him into it can be a challenge now! But he also likes swinging high, which the swing we have is not designed to do... maybe next birthday the fairies will bring one!! This year they are more into bouncing!!

It is hard to believe that he is now nearly 2... My latest plan is to record as much of important events that have happened in his lifetime as I can. We've got the fireworks from both of the New Years Eve celebrations he's been around for, the final shuttle launch, the Troop muster for the Diamond Jubilee,  the arrival of the Olympic flame and I'm looking for some keepsake for both the Jubilee and the Olympics. I imagine I will copy the opening and closing ceremonies as well... The chances of him remembering things that happen when he's only 2 are slim, so I'll make sure he can look back at things that are important and have happened during his lifetime. Any other ideas will be gratefully received!

Sunday Blues....

This weekend has not been exactly great... I seem to be building up my cold and feeling very congested and fed up. Getting to sleep last night took ages and sleep was decidedly not restful, I feel shattered and every joint aches. My head is pounding and I have the joy of a blood test tomorrow morning to look forward to followed by yet another row with my GP reception as all I want is an appointment to talk to a Dr and the bulldogs won't let me have one. If they tell me again to phone at 8am for an emergency appointment I will probably scream. I simply want to talk to my GP about the blood thinners that I am supposed to take for the rest of my like to protect me from any further stokes...exactly what I want as I would like to see  my little boy grow up. If I can't get an appointment I'm intending to demand to see the practice manager before I officially complain to the PCT.

I'm not being helped by the flashbacks to 4 years ago happening more and more frequently, I just want to curl up and cry until the world goes away and leaves me alone. I'm also fed up with people who I thought were friends making assumptions about me that are NEVER going to happen, what I need are friends to offer some kind of support to me whilst I work through all this and to not make judgements about me and how I feel. There is so much happening in the UK this year... I just want to be in a place where I can enjoy it with my little family without other people trying to but in.

Emotions....

I know that when I am ill I get very emotional! Last night I was watching Glee and ended up in tears for no real reason.This evening I have watched The Firefly or Speedbird 2012 land and deliver the Olympic Flame from Greece to the UK. I can honestly say I am now feeling decidedly patriotic and also proud to be British... Not only do we have the Games only 70 days away now but we also have the Diamond Jubilee happening, something that last happened over 100 years ago. I'm actually now very aware of wanting to collect things that Mikey can look back on and think 'this happened in my lifetime', As he isn't even 2 yet the chances of him remembering any of this years happenings are slim! We have recorded the landing of the last Space Shuttle for him and this evening I recorded the flames arrival and tomorrow, if I can distract him from the Disney Channel, he is going to see the start of the torch relay.

One thing that is really getting me down is the feeling of isolation that is really getting to me daily... I adore my son but having a conversation with him is rather difficult, it means that spending every day with him and doing the same thing over and over again is starting to drive me slowly insane. I don't think the seemingly endless rounds of job hunting is starting to drag me down. All I want is a job that I can do... I've done the ambition thing and now I want to sort out my work/life balance and spend time with my family rather than in an office... who do I need to beg to in order to get a job???

My seasons appear to be confuzzled!

I an feeling decidedly fed up right now as through the day today my throat has felt more and more painful... It is almost getting to the stage where swallowing is painful so thankfully Andy has gone on an throat saving run to buy ice cream.

In my mind I really didn't expect to be getting this in May!! I had expected spring to have well and truly sprung. Instead it appears to have regressed back to winter. Today Mum's Taxi was at work taking Mikey to a speech and language Assessment. It seemed to go well, he is being referred for some help but hopefully by the time that appointment comes through he won't need it! The theory is of the better safe than sorry kind in this instance

Andy has done well...I am now demolishing a new Ben & Jerry's core ice cream, it feels wonderful on my throat so I'm a much happier bunny now :)

Job hunting has chaned a little now... I am now signed up with 2 Temp Agencies. The Salaries are far lower than I was previously earning, but I need a job with some income as I don't qualify for any benefits. Taking time off to have a baby means you don't pay any NI so you don't get any assistance when you are out of work. As I'm married and my husband works that also stops any tax credits if you are honest about his income. If I was an imigrant sinlgr mother I'd have money thrown at me. But since I am a married mother who has paid over 20 years of NI payments I don't get a penny. I hate being out of work, but it really doesn't strike me as exactly fair....

Update...sorry it's taken so long

Things have change a lot his year. I finished work on 9th March as my contract ended and I'm now trying to be a Mum and failing miserably at it.

Mikey is now growing fast and is mostly walking, except when he wants to get anywhere fast and he resorts to his high speed crawl or walking on his knees! I seem to have mastered most types of nappy changing protocols...even the vertical change when he insists on standing up and not helping in the slightest! I am also applying for every job I can find but I@m now fed up with the feedback. I've now been told twice that I interview really well but the job isn't 'challenging' enough for me. There is one good reason why I haven't applied for management roles (well actually 2) I now have very different priorities and want to try and find that elusive work/life balance (the other is that there simply aren't any management roles around that my experience qualifies me to apply for!)

The other major change in my lovely little sporty black car has gone...I have a feeling it had been sold before I agreed to the deal the dealership offered but I now have a bigger, less powerful car which is white - or in my case dirty grey/black and brown! But is does make life easier getting a small person into his seat in the back - mainly as I don't have to get in to strap him in!!

Speaking of small people, he is currently watching TV and taking his trousers off! I have asked why and he appears to have not heard me... I so need a female cat to try and redress the balance in the house!! He is now talking to me but all he will say is Debbie so it doesn't tell me much about the desire to remove trousers! He's also stomping on my feet which hurts if I'm honest! I have no idea what his current weight is but I may find out on Monday as he has a hospital appointment with his consultant to check how his walking is progressing...so cue loads of crawling and knee walking!!!

I think it is now time for a trip upstairs for a nap, he is now trying to pull my screen further back than it is designed to go and 'No' is not a word he appears to understand today. And having had over an hour of constant screaming this morning I really don't need him to start again.....